Dynasty Warriors: The Abridged Series
by Insertmanyfandomshere
Summary: Because I have no voice acting equipment and a lack of creativity, I decided to make a bridge with DW games like everyone else. Note I didn't start from the Yellow Turban Rebellion because I couldn't make anything funny with that all the up to where I actually started.
1. How Liu Bei Got His Castle Back

_**Several thousand and hundreds of years ago in Ancient China, there was an obscure era of fighting that American textbooks don't even bother mentioning. BUT, thanks to a book that wasn't all that historically accurate, the Three Kingdoms Era lives on in many types of media and this huge series of games made by just as obscure video game company that used to sell... uh...Japanese things...And it really depends on what series you are choosing. The one that is serious and is just clicking blocks of land and people or the one that is sort of serious and involves mowing down thousands of nameless Chinese soldiers. So, we're going with the second option with this story.**_

 _ **Ah, the Han Dynasty. The favorite dynasty of history textbooks along with the Shang and the Qing and the Mongols. And** **uh... I forget. Anyway, it was falling apart. I mean, really. People died. Nature throws natural disasters at China and rebellions sprung up. Men with non-working penises took over the government. Yeah, China was not exactly paradise. Later, this guy decides to rebel along with his brothers under the banner of the 'Yellow Turbans'. A lame name, if you ask me. Those guys lost and the emperor died. His son took his place and then Dong Zhuo happens. He kills these ten dudes that have non-working dicks along with their followers to then replace the current emperor with his younger brother. Blah, blah. You know what? Just skip ahead to where we get to see the good stuff.**_

 **The scene is fast-forwarded to where you see Lu Bu having Dong Zhuo impaled onto his halberd.**

 ** _Here's another render of what might have happened._**

 **It is the same scene except in the background is Diao Chan watching with widened eyes.**

 _ **Dong Zhuo became an asshole and Lu Bu killed him. Later, Lu Bu had to run away like a bitch** **and** **eventually crashed onto some loser's castle and kept it for himself. And that is where this story really starts.**_

* * *

 **Cao Cao sits on his horse with Liu Bei next to him. They both look at a castle from far away that was waving black flags.**

 **"So... You let this big hunk of human mass named Lu Bu into your castle?" asks Cao Cao.**

 **"Yes."**

 **"And you two were not even on good terms to begin with?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"And you knew he had murdered many people before?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"And you left th** **e castle alone WITH the big hunk of human mass named Lu Bu still inside?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"Along with your alcoholic non-brother to guard the place with him?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"And you never saw this coming?"**

 **"Yes-I mean-No!"**

 **"If you said 'yes' to everything, then you're a goddamned idiot."**

 **"I said 'no' for the last question."**

 **"Right... Anyway, I'm helping you out because I have nothing else better to do. You owe me now."**

 **"But... you said I didn't have to pay for this!."**

 **"Right, because money has no value to me. But you still owe me something for helping you out of a problem that was all your fault."**

 **"You can have a special custom-made pair of shoes for free. Made by yours truly."**

 **"No."**

 **"Uh... That's all I have."**

 **"I'll take your six** **foot tall statue of your heavily sun-burnt brother."**

 **"But... That is** **my brother."**

 **"Exactly."**

 **"No way! He is my brother and I cannot trade him away!"**

 **"You do realize you two along with the drunk just stood in the middle of a garden and declared yourself siblings? I mean, it's not even on paper. What you did is completely not legal, thus you three are not siblings. Just three dudes who just think they are siblings."**

 **"Lalalalala! I can't hear you! Lalala! You were adopted! Lalalala!"**

 **"That's right. I am. But I don't go around making random st** **rangers my brothers. I have cousins. Those are better than brothers."**

 **"How dare you! Cousins are half of your blood while brothers have a hundred percent of it!"**

 **"But your 'brothers' have zero percent of your blood."**

 **"Ggh! I-! Let's just** **go get my castle back!" Liu Bei races off on his horse towards the castle. Cao Cao remains there and watches arrows rain upon one t** **iny spot near the castle. Liu Bei is seen racing back to Cao Cao covered in arrows.**

 **"Maybe wait until we get the army ready... We can't just take them on our own. We need NPC's to do the work for us. Yeah... That's right..."**

 **"Mmhm."**

 **Xiahou Dun is sitting at a table when Xiahou Yuan stumbles up to him while swatting bits of vomit off his clothes.**

 **"Damn that stubby alcoholic!"**

 **"Don't let him get to you, his brain cell count is five and you can't argue with someone that stupid."**

 **"He can barely talk in his state."**

 **"But he's not important. Now, that giant with the heavily sun-burnt skin is." He points to Guan Yu staring off looking like a statue.**

 **"How do you know?"**

 **"I can just feel the main character aura from him. You can just know he will be important later on."**

 **"Huh. Say, how about a contest to see if we can get an arrow to slice off the giant's beard?"**

 **"You're on."**

 **"Xiahou Dun! Xiahou Yuan! Hurry up! We're going to storm the castle now!" called out Cao Cao from the camp gates.**

 **"Aw, man. Oh well, I guess we can shoot off one of Lu Bu's antennas."**

 **"How about his whole head? I heard Lu Bu could stay alive without his head."**

 **"That's for a cockroach."**

 **"Yeah. He is one, right?"**

 **"No, that's just what he w** **ears on his head. Come on."**

 **The three cuts through the army with ease thanks to their over-powered attacks. Interrupting them was a speech log with Liu Bei's face looking sad.**

 **"This does not look good..."**

Liu Bei is in trouble! Assist at once!

" **Wait a minute! HE'S the commander here?! Why aren't I the commander?!" exclaimed Cao Cao. "I paid for the armor and weapons! I paid for the horses! I paid his hotel fee and drunk brother's room service! Why aren't I the army commander here?!"**

 **"Maybe it's because it's HIS castle we're fighting for here." says Xiahou Dun.**

 **"Phht, it was his fault for letting the giant man known for betraying and killing his masters into his castle."**

 **"Look, we're at the castle gate already." pointed out Xiahou Yuan.**

 **"Huh. Wow. Is this army really that weak?"**

 **"No, we're playing on Beginner Mode."**

 **"WHY?!"**

 **"Huh? Don't you want an easier time to get here?"**

 **"Then pick Normal like any sane person would! Beginner mode is for anyone too stupid to play this game! Or you're a toddler. But I think a toddler can handle Normal mode."**

 **"Too bad, I can't change it now."**

 **Cao Cao groans and walks up to the large gate and knocks on it. A voice is heard from behind the door.**

 **"Who's there?"**

 **"Your mother."**

 **"Ooh! You came to visit me!" The gate opens to let Cao Cao and his two cousins in.**

 **"That was strangely easy..." commented Xiahou Yuan.**

 **"Everyone knows that if your mother came out onto the battlefield to visit you, you HAVE to let her in."**

 **"But what if she were a spy-"**

 **"NO EXCEPTIONS."**

 **"Hey! You're not my mummy!" Cao Cao turns to see a fuming Chen Gong.**

 **"Oh, hello. Long** **time, no see."**

 **"That is low! Pret** **ending to be someone's mother! Oh well, I can just kill y** **ou with these soldiers!" Chen Gong t** **akes out his giant scroll and summons glowing blue soldiers.**

 **"Oh. My. God. You are a Satanist!"**

 **"What? No, I'm conjuring up some soldiers to beat your ass."**

 **"So, you can see dead people?! Conjure up my mother whom I never I knew!"**

 **"I can't see dead people! And no about conjuring your mother!"**

 **"Then who are those soldiers that you summoned?"**

 **"They... are..." Chen Gong freezes and looks at the summoned soldiers and sees that they had hollow black eyes that were starting to bleed. "Those aren't my normal soldiers..." He shudders and his t** **eeth start clattering. "...I-I-If those d-d-didn't come out of m-m-my sss-c-croll...AAAAAAAAGGGH!" He screams hysterically and runs off flailing his arms.**

 **"Wait! Take us with you! AAAAGHHHHH!" Cao Cao runs away from the ghost soldiers screaming, leaving Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan to shrug and chase after him.**

 **The three find themselves inside the castle and see that the ghost soldiers were following them.**

 **"Quickly! Into this room!" Cao Cao enters a random room while Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan go into different rooms themselves. The ghost soldiers all stop to look around confusingly and decide to all go into one single room. Cao Cao runs out of a room and into another while the two from earlier swap rooms unintentionally. The ghost soldiers all come out from different rooms. Cao Cao runs into a soldier and runs back into the room he came from. The soldier loudly groans and follows Cao Cao into that room.**

 **One room's door abruptly opens to have Cao Cao carrying Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, and one ghost soldier. They see it and yell out in fear to then split apart and enter into different rooms again. Another door opens again with Chen Gong running away from a group of ghost soldiers, still yelling and screaming.**

 **Cao Cao goes into a room and shuts the door forcefully. He lowers himself towards the ground panting.**

 **"I hope those two are alright..." He looks up and sees a young woman with silver hair looking at him with fear in her eyes.**

 **"Uh... Hello...?"  
**

 **"There's a man that I don't know in my room..." She mutters.**

 **"Where?" He notices her eyes narrowing to glow red as she stood there shaking. She also holds up a giant weapon consisting of what seems like four halberds fused together.**

 **"Oh... No..." A bright light engulfs everything including Cao Cao.**

* * *

 **Liu Bei stands there while one enemy soldier pokes him repeatedly with his spear.**

 **"Is nobody going to help...? Hello...?" His health barely depleted from the constant light stab** **bing.**

 **"I'mma... *belch*... Beat you until... you can't feel... *belch*... anything...!" Zhang Fei wobbles near Liu Bei and knocks soldiers over with one his heavy self. He then knocks the one soldier attacking Liu Bei before falling over onto the ground. A loud puking sound is he** **ard.**

 **"Ew..."**

 **"Mm... Yes... Yes... Little girls..."**

 **"Eww..."**

 **"Mm... Lindsey Lohan..."**

 **"EWWW!" Liu Bei walks off disgusted and finds Guan Yu standing in the middle of the f** **ield with soldiers ignoring him. He** **approaches him and lightly taps him.**

 **"Hello...? Aren't you going to attack-"**

 **"Ssh! The beard's incognito."**

 **"You're just** **standing here like a statue!"**

 **"Exactly. It's the** **best plan. Now let the beard be incognito or it will destroy you."**

 **"No, get going!" He pushes Guan Yu, but he barely could make him budge. He strains loudly and ends up giving up. "Fine! Be that way! I can do this by myself!"**

 **He turns to face the castle, but a giant beam of light shoots up into the sky. It was coming from the center of the castle where the beam eventually spreads to the outer walls. The light disappears as a charred black Cao Cao falls down and catches himself onto Guan Yu.**

 **"You saved me. Now your debt has been paid. I don't have to go save your castle now." Liu Bei complains,"What?! No! T** **his doesn't count!"**

 **"Everyone gets one from me."**

 **"Come on! Please! I'll do anything! Just no sucking dicks."**

 **"You already do suck dick. In both meanings."**

 **"Hey!"**

 **"Anyway, I should get going." Cao Cao hops off of Guan Yu, who was still standing still, and whistles** **for his horse to come to him. Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan are rushing towards Cao Cao carrying captured ghost soldiers.**

 **"We got** **these guys while that giant beam of light took up everything!"**

 **"It turns out they're not ghosts at all!" They set the soldiers onto the ground near Cao Cao.**

 **"Now let's see who you really are!" Xiahou Dun reaches down to grab at one soldier's head and rips if off to reveal it was Zhang Liao. Xiahou Yuan rips off the other soldier's heads to reveal generic soldiers.**

 **"Well, well. If it isn't Zhang Liao! It was you who was behind this stunt!"**

 **"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't you meddling kids!" angrily says Zhang Liao.**

 **"Ah, save it for the execution block!"**

 **Meanwhile, back inside** **the castle is Lu Bu angrily scolding Chen Gong.**

 **"That plan f*EFF!*ing sucked! Thanks to you, Zhang Liao has been captured along with some other unimportant generals!"**

 **"Looks on the bright side, they're out** **of the castle thanks to that giant beam."**

 **"There's a giant ho** **le in the west wing thanks to that beam!"**

 **"That was your daughter's fault. She saw a pest and overreacted."**

 **"Gagh! Now what? We're holed up in this place and have no where else to go!"**

 **"There's Yuan Shu."**

 **"He's useless!"**

 **"Diao Chan? Gao Shun? Your little girl? I dunno. I gave up on life. That's why I have 2000 plus hours on my World of Warcraft account."**

 **"Oh well, let's see what happens. Send them out."**

" **Annnnnd they're defeated."**

 **"Already?!"**

 **"Sorry sir, Xiahou Dun is level fifty while those two are just level twenty-one. He also has a five star weapon."**

 **"Are you joking?! Grragh!"**

 **"They are also playing on Beginner Mode."**

 **"WHO THE F*EFF!* PLAYS ON BEGINNER MODE?!"**

 **"I know, right?"**

 **"I'm going out."**

 **"No sir! You'll be defeated!"**

 **"Are you kidding? I am a hard foe to beat even on Beginner Mode! I'll show 'em!"**

 **"Um... No, you're not..."**

 **Five seconds later...**

Lu Bu has been defeated by Xiahou Dun!

 **Chen Gong stares at the battle log entry with a disappointed expression.**

 **"F*bleep* it. Well, I'm all alone..." He holds up a DVD case. "I can just go watch Pokemon with just the parts with Team Rocket. I just love that little talking cat."**

 **One** **hour later...**

 **Cao Cao along with Xiahou Dun and Xiahou Yuan knock down a door to see Chen Gong laughing at a television screen.**

 **"Hahahaha! Oh, Meowth... Too bad in the games, you're a crappy Pokemon."**

 **"What kind of a grown man watches Pokemon?!" exclaims Cao Cao. Chen Gong jumps and sees the three standing at the door. He uses his scroll to jam it into his television's screen, breaking it.**

 **"W-What? No! I was just watching... Um... Doraemon! Yes, Doraemon!"**

 **"That's even worse! And who the hell watches that anymore?!"**

 **"Hey! Don't you diss Doraemon! Doraemon works very hard! He has merchandise all the up to instant noodles and chalky vitamins!"**

 **"It's just a t** **alking blue cat."**

 **"A talking ROB** **OT b** **lue cat!**

 **"You might as well just relinquish your man card by watching that kid's show."**

 **"...I was watching Pokemon." He says quickly.**

 **"There it is! Hahaha! Think you could lie to me, eh? Oh well, let's get you ready for execution."**

 **"Wait, what?" He gets dragged out of the room by soldiers.**

* * *

 **Cao Cao stands in front of Lu Bu, Zhang Liao, Chen Gong, Lu Lingqi, and Diao Chan. They were all bound by rope. Liu Bei is standing with him along with Guan Yu, Xiahou Dun, and Xiahou Yuan.**

 **"I am blown away with how easy it was to defeat you. Just... Wow." Lu Bu angrily yells at him,"You were playing on Beginner Mode, you noob!"**

 **"I didn't choose it! Yuan did!"**

 **"Excuses, excuses. Say, how about I te** **ach you how to play the Normal way if you release us?"**

 **"How about... NO? There had been people you had offered that and they got the Expert lessons. They died."**

 **"Hmph. T** **hey were noobs anyway."**

 **"Take him away." Lu Bu is dragged off by guards.**

 **"I will be back! Count on it!"**

 **"Hahaha... He's** **not coming back..." Liu Bei asks,"What** **about the other four there?"**

 **"Well..." Cao Cao goes over to Zhang Liao. "Do you want to end up like that guy?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Would you work for me?"**

 **"Maybe."**

 **"We have free healthcare and all of the meatbuns you could eat. Unless there's a famine."**

 **"Deal." Cao Cao turns to Chen Gong. "What do you say? We can go back to the good old times."**

 **"What good old times?"**

 **"..." Cao Cao turns** **around to a guard and sh** **akes his head while motioning his finger across his neck. Guards** **drag Chen Gong away and he angrily yells at Cao Cao,"See?! This is why I left you in the first place!"**

 **"I'll take care of your mother!"**

 **"Oh, you bastard!"**

 **"What? I am really going to take care of her. What else was I going to do to his mother?" Liu Bei suggests,"Maybe he thought you were to take her into your personal harem?"**

 **"Ugh! No! That's disgusting! That's someone's mom there!" He stands there with Liu Bei giving him a dissatisfied look. "Okay, maaaaaybe I would do that. But that's if her woman plumbing still works. I'd hate to kill a woman just by sticking my dick in her." He continues to get looks from everyone else and he says nervously,"L-Let's just move on to the other soldiers."**

 **"What's left are two women."**

 **"Women?" Cao Cao looks over to Lu Lingqi and Diao Chan sitting on the ground bound by rope. They look back with blank stares.**

 **"Those are women?"**

 **"Yes. What else did you think they were?"**

 **"I don't know... Very very pretty male prostitutes?"**

 **"Why would male prostitutes be in Lu Bu's army?"**

 **"You never know, okay?!** **This game is such a HUGE sausage fest, that I forget what a women actually looks like!"**

 **"Huh, you're right." Cao Cao walks over to the two girls and loudly asks them,"Excuse me! Do you have vaginas?!" His yelling almost knocked the two down. Diao Chan answers him in an annoyed tone,"YES! We both are female! What other proof do you need?!"**

 **"Can you make babies?"**

 **"...W-What? Well, I never had any children. But, I'm also not a virgin."**

 **"And I barely had my first period. I destroyed my hometown that day." says Lu Lingqi.**

 **"I see... Can I fondle your chest to see if you two have boobs?"**

 **"NO!" The two angrily yelled in unison.**

 **"Then you two's claims about being** **girls are invalid!" Liu Bei says** **to him,"You know, these might be the last time you may ever get to see unique modeled women. I mean, have you SEEN th** **e towns around here? The women** **all look the same! It's like they all multiplied by just splitting themselves up into more women!"**

 **"So you're saying to add these ladies to my personal harem?"**

 **"No! One of them's not even legal!"**

 **"It's the second century. This is perfectly normal. Just don't stick your dick in them until they get older."**

 **"What I'm saying is to save them from being captured by bandits or being raped in a Japanese hentai fanart."**

 **"Oh, alright. I'll just arrange a nice house for these two and-Where did they go?" Cao Cao turns around to see rope scattered on the ground and that two figures were already running off into the horizon.**

 **"Ahahahaha... I can't believe it..."**

 **"Yes, they refused a nice home that will be paid for entirely by you..." comments Liu Bei.**

 **"They were lesbians! They 'Thelma and Louise-ed' into the sunset! That. Is. HAWT. Too bad they will die once they hit the sun."**

 **"...Well, it was good to work with you. I should get going. I have my castle back and you just missed an** **opportunity** **to save two vulnerable women from rape hentai."**

 **"My work here is done. Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan. Let's go." Cao Cao goes with the two to get their horses when Zhang Fei stumbles near them holding a bow with an arrow ready.**

 **"Loooook at me! I'mma Xiahou Yua-Blllllarrrrgh!" He vomits and releases his arrow into the air. The arrow flies into Xiahou Dun's left eye with an audible** **squish. He stands there for a moment and blood trickles down his face.**

 **"...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" He takes the arrow and pulls it hard out of his eye socket. The eye remains pierced by the arrow. Cao Cao and everyone nearby all groan in disgust.**

 **"Oh god! That looks painful!"**

 **"I just ripped my own eye out of my head! Of course it f*bleep*ing hurts!" He holds the arrow** **up to the sky and announces,"Essence of my father, blood of mother, I cannot throw this away!" He then takes the arrow and puts it in his mouth to eat the eyeball. Tossing the arrow away, he stands up tall while chewing the eyeball. But, this doesn't last long as he begins to kneel down and pukes loudly while spitting out bits of his own eye.**

 **"Oh god...Blarrrrrrrgh! Ugggh... It tastes so b** **ad...! Huuuuh..."**

 **"What was that about you cannot wasting an already-damaged eyeball? What's next? When your leg gets chopped off, are you going to eat that? I doubt your parents would want you to eat yourself or any of your** **body parts anyway." comments Cao Cao with slight sass.**

 **"Ohhh... I didn't think that through...Koff koff...AAAAARRRGH!" He clutches his eyeless socket while wincing in pain.**

 **"You need to get that checked."**

 **"OH SHUT UP! AGGGHHH! It hurts again!"  
**

* * *

 **[I am not so sure about this chapter. Maybe later ones will be more funnier.]**

* * *

 **"Hey, Dun. Have you noticed something weird about us?"**

 **"What? And look, I have a badass eyepatch now."**

 **"Yes, that is nice. But, there is something that's been bugging me. Aren't we Chinese?"**

 **"Why yes, Yuan. We are." Xiahou Dun says in a mocking tone. "We live in China, thus making us Chinese. What about it?"**

 **"Then why are we speaking English?"**

 **"But we live in China. Of course we speak English."**

 **"What? No, we're supposed to be speaking-"**

 **"Sssssssshhhhhh."**

 **"But-"**

 **"Shhhhh."**

 **"It's-"**

 **"Shush."**

 **"But it's-"**

 **"Shut the f*bleep* up." He says in a scarily calm voice.**


	2. Save Sun Ce's Ass

_**So thus after Cao Cao helps Liu Bei out with getting his castle back, Liu Bei becomes that guy and tries to have him killed.**_

 **"Aw man, not cool. Come on, Liu Bei. Don't be that guy."**

 **"I have to! It's the only way!"**

 **"Orrrrrr you can just kill yourself. Huh? Huh? That's a hell of a tempting offer. No responsibility, you get to live be in between Nu Wa's breasts, and most important of all, no me."**

 **"I have to end your devilish ways!"**

 **"You begged like a little bitch to get me to help you and this is what I get? Fine, be that way. And whoever wrote your dialogue just now deserves to be put to death!"**

 _ **So Cao Cao kicked Liu Bei's behind back to Xiapi and then takes his castle away right when he had** **just gotten it back for him. See, kids? This is what happens when you be that guy. He also steals Liu Bei's limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity statue also known as Guan Yu. Now he goes back home to fight with his old friend and rival warlord, Yuan Shao.**_

 **"Aw, cool! Is this one of those limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity statues I've been hearing about?!" excitedly exclaimed Yue Jin about Guan Yu standing there. "Aw man! Where did you get one of these?"**

 **"I did it like any collector would. Beat up its owner and steal it from them." replied Cao Cao.**

 **"Wait, are you people actually thinking I'm some collector's t** **oy? I thought it was a ploy for Xiapi!" says Guan Yu.**

 **"Aw, it talks! But... where's the string?"**

 **"I'm a human being, jackass! Now get out of my sight before the beard destroys you!" angrily yelled Guan Yu causing Yue Jin to fall down in shock.**

 **"Hey, where are Guo Jia and Jia Xu?" asks Cao Cao. "I thought I saw them an hour ago." Cao Pi is standing next to him and replies,"I think they went off to play children's card games."**

 **"Now why would they do that?"**

 **"Isn't that what nerds do?"**

 **"They are not those kinds of nerds. They have more class than that. They are above children's card games-Oh, now I know where they are."**

 **There were two tents that sat beside each other and the only noises that come out of it were loud clicking and yelling. Cao Cao goes over to one and forces himself in t** **o see Jia Xu hunched over while looking at a computer screen.**

 **"Are you seriously using up my broadband for League of Legends?!"**

 **"YES! Get wrecked! Hahaha!" He laughs at his computer screen for a few minutes until he finally notices Cao Cao standing next to him with crossed arms. He stops laughing and he sweat** **s nervously.**

 **"O-Oh... Hello, my lord..."**

 **"I never told anyone but one the Wi-Fi password, yet you still got connected. HOW?"**

 **"Umm..."**

* * *

 **"Now what is the password for 'AwesomePrivateHotSpotforCC (Totally not going to use it for porn?)'?" asks Jia Xu to Xun Yu, who was duct taped to a chair.**

 **"Not** **telling you! No matter how much you hurt me, I will NEVER give you the password!"**

 **"Alright... Guo Jia, Guantanamo Bay him."**

 **"He's going to die if he gets another round of that." says Guo Jia while ho** **lding a towel and** **a bucket of water.**

 **"WE'RE going to die if Xun Yu spills the beans about this whole scene! We can't go back."**

 **"Alright." Guo Jia shrugs and proceeds to nearly drown Xun Yu with the towel and bucket of water. After it was over, Xun Yu coughs loudly and falls down along with the chair. Jia Xu goes over to him and asks,"Are you going to tell me now?"**

 **"No... Koff..."**

 **"Alright... alright... You're** **still alive after all of that..." He grins manically as he slowly holds up a pair of pliers. "How about I mess up your pretty face...? I doubt you would be popular with the ladies after I pry off a few teeth of you..."**

 **"No! Anything but my face! My wife will leave me once I lose my beauty!"**

 **"You have a wife...?"**

 **"What? It's not normal for someone my age to be married?"**

 **"No... There are no women around here... Who could you get married to?"**

 **"I married one of those handmaidens that you usually have to save from tigers or wolves in Ambition Mode."**

 **"Oh. I thought you married an Edit officer."**

 **"That's in the Empires game. But that game is not canon."**

 **"...And this is what is considered canon...? This an ABRIDGED series. How is this canon?."**

 **"Well..."**

 **"Ah! I got it! The password is 'Ambition Mode'!"**

 **"Ahhhh!"**

 **"Pleasure doing business with you." Jia Xu walks off whistling and Xun Yu calls** **out to him,"Aren't you going to release me?! You already have the password! And how did you figure** **it out?!"**

 **"No one talks about Ambition Mode unless you're a fangirl talking about the male characters' high bond lines for a female officer. It is the perfect password. Guo Jia, use the Forget-Me-Stick on him."**

 **"The what stick?!" Guo Jia whacks Xun Yu on the back of the head with a black club with a skull and crossbones lazily drawn to knock him out cold.**

* * *

 **"Sir, I picked it up from this..."**

 **"The only per** **son that knows is Xun Yu. You probably tortured him to getting him to saying the password."**

 **"Nooooooo... Why would I do that...?"**

 **"Argh... You're lucky you are very useful or else** **I would have just killed you by now. Now about Guo Jia-"**

 **"AAAAAAAGH! GODDAMN IT! F*BLEEP*! F*BLEEP*, F*BLEEP*, F*BLEEP*!" is what interrupted him and it was coming from the tent next to the current one he was in. Cao Cao gets out of the current t** **ent and goes into the other one. He sees Guo Jia smashing a keyboard over a desktop computer.**

 **"What the hell happened to you?! The last person I would see rage quit would be you. The first** **person would be Xiahou Dun, of course."**

 **"It's this obnoxious kid that had taunted me non-stop!"**

 **"Well, what's his name?" Guo Jia cools down and says,"I honestly think that was a girl-" Cao Cao breaks down laughing hysterically while slapping his knee.**

 **"Hahahahaha! Kahahahaha! Phhhhbhbhbht...what...? A girl?! In this part of town?! And second of all, what kind of girl plays League of Legends?! Kahahaha! That's stupid! They more likely to play DOTA! Hahahaha!"**

 **"Well, the voice was weirdly high-pitched."**

 **"Then it's a twelve-year old boy whose balls didn't drop yet!"**

 **"Huh. I suppose so..."**

 **"Meh. Let** **'s go kick Yuan Shao's ass."**

 **"Alright!"**

 **"Also, if you continue to aid Jia Xu with bullying Xun Yu, I will spread the rumor of you playing a nerd's game."**

 **"No! It will ruin my chance with Random Handmaiden #582!"**

 **"Ahahaha... That's the spirit."**

* * *

 _ **Don't worry, we didn't forget about the other people down south. While Liu Bei is MIA and Cao Cao is of** **f doing his own thing, there were this family that was taking over the south part of China. Their father died earlier, so the eldest brother** **took over. He died too.**_

 **Sun Ce runs swiftly through the forest and shoots an arrow to kill a rabbit that was hopping around. He then turns quickly to shoot at a deer. Next it was an ox. Then some more deer, and a couple of birds. A few minutes later, he was surrounded by animal carcasses.**

 **"A fine day's work." Zhou Yu casually walks up to him holding a tablet and says,"You just eradicated twenty species off the face of the earth-"**

 **"En** **glish, please!"**

 **"You just made twenty kinds of animals go extinct."**

 **"Still not getting it!"**

 **"You killed every single one of these animals."**

 **"Thank you!" A tiger runs by and Sun Ce shoots it, killing it. Zhou Yu exclaims,"That was an endangered species!"**

 **"That means more points, right?"**

 **"No!"**

 **"Oh well, I bet that will make a nice rug!"**

 **"Dear god, why am I friends with you?"**

 **"Because I am voiced by Yuri Lowenthal! Everyone's favorite voice actor with the name of Japanese lesbian porn! Hey, are you even listening?!" Zhou Yu ignores Sun Ce and is continuing to use his tablet. Sun Ce slaps it into the air and shoots an arrow through it while it was still in the air.**

 **"I was working on my manuscript, you wanker!"**

 **"So you could work as a Starbucks barista? Not a chance!"**

 **"First of all, that was not that kind of manuscript! Second of all, that was expensive! I had to sell my child wife to a brothel in order to pay for that!"**

 **"How could you?! What kind of monster separates twins?! Are you trying to recreate The Parent Trap?!"**

 **"Those two weren't twins in the first place! You got the older one, remember?"**

 **"Oh right. Let's go kill more stuff!"**

 **"Are you at least going to eat any of these dead animals?"**

 **"Good idea! It will give me strength to kill things!" Sun Ce goes down to take one dead deer and begins to bite into it.**

 **"Aren't you** **going to cook it?"**

 **"Cooking is for women! I am a man, thus I eat my meat super f*bleep*ing rare! Nomnomnom!"**

 **"Alright..."**

 **Later, they walk through the forest and Zhou Yu tells Sun Ce,"I don't like the look of this. I think we've wandered into the wrong side of the forest."**

 **"How could you tell? All forests are the same! I would know because I am a forest-ist! "**

 **"Well, as we walk down this path, the trees start to become less coated with leaves and are dark grey."**

 **"Is some evil witch going to take us into her house made of candy? Because I want some candy. Let's get kidnapped by an evil witch to go to her candy house."**

 **"No, that would be most inconvenient."**

 **"And refuse free candy?! You're insane! I thought British people LOVE candy! They have bad teeth, after all!"**

 **"I'm not British!"**

 **"That explains why you have perfect teeth. That doesn't** **explain the accent though... Are you Australian then?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Irish!"**

 **"No."**

 **"Indian?"**

 **"F*bleep* no!"**

 **"Then what are ya?!"**

 **"I grew up in Hong Kong." He lies to get out the ridiculous conversation.**

 **"Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh, that explains it!"**

 **"Sir, for your well-being, we have to turn back."**

 **"But I want to eat the candy house!"**

 **"There is no candy house!"**

 **"Ooh, candy house!" Sun Ce runs off t** **owards a pink house that was sitting within the far reaches of the forest.**

 **"Sun Ce! No! You can't go alone! You're dark-skinned! That means you're destined to die! You're not African... but it is still close!" Zhou Yu shouts, but Sun Ce was too far away to hear.**

 **"Crap. I need to round up a group of rescuers for this task since I'm too pretty to venture deeper into the woods."**

 **Zhou Yu turns back th** **e way he came and while he was going that, Sun Ce gets to the pink house and finds it was made of many sweets.**

 **"Oh my god! The candy house exists! And I didn't need to be kidnapped by an evil witch!" He runs and grasps himself onto a wall of the house and is about to sink his teeth in when the house suddenly disappears with a loud poof. He falls** **down back onto the ground.**

 **"Argh! What?!"**

 **"You fell for it..." said a spooky voice.**

 **"Oh come on! Now Pedobear's coming to get me!"**

 **"I am not Pedobear..." An old man appears before Sun Ce and he jumps back in surprise.**

 **"Oh my god! Are you my fairy godfather?!"**

 **"What? No! And those don't exist, imbecile!"**

 **"Hey, gender equality man! Men can be fairies too! Just select ones could."**

 **"I am Gan Ji-"**

 **"Yeah, we know. The audience has played through this stage millions of ti** **mes."**

 **"Let me finish! I am here to stop your reign of terror by any means necessary!"**

 **"For what exactly?"**

 **"You massacred twenty species of animals with no remorse!"**

 **"I ate one of the animals. Is that good enough?"**

 **"You will feel those animals' pain soon!"**

 **"Ohhhhh... You're with PETA, right...? Ugggh... You guys shut down my business of selling skins... There are people who need clothes, you know."**

 **"I am not with them! Now, you will suffer! Ha!" Gan Ji throws his hand out and a shock wave hits Sun Ce. He** **sits there looking dissatisfied.**

 **"What was that? A handfart?"**

 **"I placed a curse on you!"**

 **"Ooh, I am destined to smell like handfarts for eternity...? Ooh, I'm sooo scared!" He says sarcastically. Gan Ji snaps his fingers and the** **two disappear.**

 **Zhou Yu gets back to the forest along with Taishi Ci, Da Qiao, and Xiao Qiao.**

 **"I couldn't get the A Team, but at least I got...This dildo-wielding soldier, Sun Ce's wife, and** **my own wife that managed to escape the brothel she was sold to."**

 **"Strange old men touched me with their willies!" Xiao Qiao happily exclaims for no reason.**

 **"Yes... Now we are ready to save Sun Ce!"**

 **"But where do we start?"**

 **"Right... Just find a pink house-" Xiao Qiao exclaims,"Ooh, candy house!" She runs towards the same pink house that Sun Ce ran to earlier.**

 **"Well, that was easy. Follow her!" The three chase after Xiao Qiao and when she was about to leap forward to try to take a bite of it, it disappears, letting her fly forward to crash into a tree.**

 **"Mwahahaha... You are trying to get your friend back? Well, come and take him!" Ghost soldiers appear all around the group and Taishi Ci announces,"Do not worry! Me and my dildos will get the job done!" He goes on to attack the soldiers and Zhou Yu groans in disgust when he hears the loud thumping noises turn into loud squishing noises.**

 **"Ugggh... What are you doing...? Those are dead soldiers from all of the games combined... Uggh... Where are you putting that-OH GOD! Uurgh..." Zhou Yu covers his mouth and looks away. Gan Ji's voice echoes in a just as disgusted voice,"Stop! Stop! Stop... using those to sodomize them... They're dead soldiers! Uggh! You people are sick! Here's your friend back!" Sun Ce appears out of thin air and plops down onto the ground.**

 **"Urrgh... Am I dead yet? Why am I not between Nu Wa's breasts right now...?"**

 **"Sun Ce!" Zhou Yu and along with the others go to him, but Sun Ce pushes them off.**

 **"Whoa, whoa. You guys are smothering me and I really need my space."**

 **"Are you alright?"**

 **"I didn't get free candy, so NO. I am not alright."**

 **"But you're alive. Isn't that what matters?"**

 **"Meh." Gan Ji says suddenly,"Ha! Yeah right I will leave him alive! Here you go, suckers!"**

 **Sun Ce explodes into a red paste, splattering everyone with his blood. They all groan in disgust, but were also in shock. Zhou Yu turns to Da Qiao and says,"Sooooo... how would you like to become my concubine and bear my dark-haired children?"**

 **"..." She was still in shock and her eyes were twitching.**

 **"Okay, I guess that's a no. Phht..." He spits out a string-like appendage and groans.**

 **"Uggggggggh... Ew... Oh god... I got his vas deferens..." Taishi Ci holds up a crushed piece of mass. "I got his testes. Or** **what's left of it."**

 **Xiao Qiao holds up what looks like bone and says,"I got his cock!"**

 **"You mean coccyx...What about you Da Qiao? What did you get?"**

 **"...I...I..." She holds up a small object covered in mosaics.**

 **"Oh, you got the head."**

 **"Oh god..."**

 **"Yeah, yeah... Oh well, let's go home. There's no body to bury, so we can just bury his vas deferens, coccyx, testes, and penis head."**

 _ **Sun Ce died at the age of 25. From abnormal circumstances that records don't seem to want to tell us. After news got out he died, his young brother, Sun Quan, became the man of the house now. He did okay. Now, back to Guandu where Cao Pi swipes up someone's wife just because he wants to.**_

 **Cao Pi comes across a locked gate and looks at the map on the right hand side of him.**

 **"Looks like this is where that pretty lady is. But I can't wait for my father to kill a random generic in order to open this door. Xu Chu!" Xu Chu runs up to him.**

 **"Yes, sir?"**

 **"Knock down this door!"**

 **"I can't do that. That feature got t** **aken out ever since DW6."**

 **"Do it!"**

 **"Alright." Xu Chu goes** **up to the door and prepares to break it down.**

 **"My voice gives me s** **uper strength! _"_ He breaks down the ****door with on punch. Beyond the gate was Zhang He who yells out,** **"Hey! You can't do that! It's against the rules!"**

 **"I did not ask for a Discount Vega! Where's the pretty lady?"**

 **"I'm sorry, but your princess is in another castle. But I can happily substitute."**

 **"Xu Chu, close the door." Xu Chu runs over to close t** **he gate back, annoying Zhang He.**

 **"Don't just ignore me!"**

 **Cao Pi says to himself,"I'm guessing the other camp has her." He runs towards another camp and has Xu Chu knock its gate down.**

 **"My voice gives me super strength!" He breaks open the gate and inside was Zhen Ji along with generic officer Yuan Xi.**

 **"There we go. Now we're talking."**

 **"Ugh! Can't you believe this guy? Breaking down gates was SO two games ago!" says Zhen Ji.**

 **"Don't worry, babe. I'll t** **ake care of him." Yuan Xi runs up to Cao Pi and Cao Pi simply taps him with his sword so that he falls down, defeat** **ed.**

 **"Well. That was unexpected."**

 **"Now that he's out of the way. We'll bang, okay?"**

 **"I just met you! This isn't a Disney movie, you know! And that was not fair! He had a one star weapon!"**

 **"Screw the rules! I have money! Did I mention I have money? I have money. I'MBATMAN."**

 **"What else do you have?"**

 **"You get to wear this sexy purple dress instead of that pee-colored one, I am brood and am unable to express my actual feelings, and I am at** **least six inches."**

 **"Alright. Take me away, my dark icy prince! And do you have that dress on you?"**

 **"...Um... Well... I was going to have that ready back home... Why?"**

 **"Because I am starting to suspect this dress IS pee-colored. Meaning, using actual piss to color this dr** **ess."**

 **"We'll deal with that once we kick your former father-in-law's ass."**

 **"Former?"**

 **"We're getting married after this."**

 **"What? I said this won't be a Disney movie!"**

 **"Too late. I already sent R.S.V.P.'s to everyone I know to come to the wedding. You and I will have hottest post-marriage sex my bed has ever seen."**

 **"I hope you won't be a disappointment, virgin."**

 **"HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT?! I mean, I'm not. Totally not."**

 **"I can smell virgins. In fact, I can smell it off the Yugioh cards in your pockets."**

 **"What cards?! There are no cards! I have no idea what you're talking about." Cao Pi discreetly pushes in brown cards deeper into his pants pockets. "We should go and kill Yuan Shao now."**

 **"Cao Cao is already there. You can just wait."**

 **In fact, he was. Over inside the castle, Cao Cao faces Yuan Shao after knocking away soldiers.**

 **"You've come t** **his far, but it is the end of the line! One of us will live and one of us will die!" shouts yuan Shao.**

 **"Come on, fancy pants! What's the worst you could do? British me to death? Make me watch your Downton Abbey audition tape? Throw t** **ea at me?"**

 **"I grew up in Hong Kong, jackass! It's not my fault my accent is like this!"**

 **"Excuses, excuses. We all have them. Now come on! Give me your best shot!"**

 ***One second later***

 **Yuan Shao lies on the floor and is manages to sit up for Cao Cao to start approaching him.**

 **"Not fair! This isn't fair! You played on Easy Mode, you noob!"**

 **"No, I just have a five star weapon and am level forty."**

 **"Now what?"**

 **Cao Cao kneels down and whispers to him,"Penis." Yuan Shao makes a choking sound and then falls down onto the floor.**

* * *

 **[Any DW character with a British accent is from Hong Kong or might be.]**

* * *

 **Zhou Yu along with many others were dressed in white as they attend Sun Ce's funeral. He was the one giving the eulogy.**

 **"And because of his desperate need of candy, he fell into a trap that eventually caused his death. All we have left to remember him is his vas deferens, coccyx, testes, and penis head." He gestures to a shrine with Sun Ce's picture sitting inside along with a small black box in front of the picture frame.**

 **"But, we will never forget his heroic deeds such as taking land, taking more land, and being a good brother. And also wiping out twenty species of deer, birds, and rabbits. Now he is with our creator, the all mighty Lady Nu Wa, in between her breasts he is. In his place is his younger brother, Sun Quan. And if should he die too-" A hand raises in the middle of the mass of white clot** **hed people.**

 **"Um... Yes? Who is that?" The people move over to reveal Sun Shang Xiang. "Oh. What** **now? This is your brother's funeral, can't it wait?"**

 **"My brother would have interrupted my funeral if I had one."**

 **"Alright, but-"**

 **"If Quan dies, does the power go to me?"**

 **"Phht..." Zhou Yu makes a crooked smile that signals he was about to laugh but was holding it in. "Khhhh... Well... That depends..."**

 **"And...?"**

 **"Um... That's if Sun Quan asks for you to be in charge in his will..."**

 **"So maybe?"**

 **"Sure...PHHHHHHT AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can't believe I said that with a straight face! Hahahaha!" Sun Shang Xiang slowly narrows her eyes at him and in the next** **scene is a shrine with Zhou Yu's picture in it. Sun Shang Xiang is now giving his eulogy.**

 **"And because he was a sexist douche, he is now with our all mighty creator..."**


	3. Death of a Blondeman

_**Cao Cao defeated Yuan Shao at Guandu. Cao Pi got laid, but still has his children's trading cards. Sun Ce dies taking candy from strangers. The army had gained two new members Zhen Ji and Zhang He. Yeah, he joined too. We never showed that, that's right. But a new threat has emerged. Yuan Shao's little bastards were still around and they are pissed. So Cao Cao leads his men**_ _ **to go take care of the little bastards. And oh yeah. Cao Cao's limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity figure ran away to go back to Liu Bei. Remember him? That guy? That guy that was being that guy? Yeah, him. Oh yeah, what happened to him?**_

 **Liu Bei is standing outside of a hut tapping his foot while in the background was Zhang Fei puking into a koi pond and Guan Yu stands there behind him.**

 **"Seriously, what are we waiting for? Can't we just bust the door open? The beard could do that for you."**

 **"No! That's rude!"**

 **"Not as rude when you backstabbed the guy who tried to help you, right?"**

 **"Shut up. He got what he deserved."**

 **"For what exactly?"**

 **"I don't know! I have horrible character development!"**

 **"Who are we waiting for exactly?"**

 **"My meal ticket, Zhuge Liang. But he is not answering the door for some reason. I wonder why."**

 **Inside the hut, Zhuge Liang was holed in a room with computer clicking his mouse nonstop playing League of Legends.**

 **"Come on... Come on... Yes! Pentakill! Take that, 'SimaY179!' Wait! Wait! What is he doing? Crap! He shut me down! Oh great, now HE got a pentakill." Yue Ying walks into the room and says to him,"There are those three men from yesterday. What should I do?"**

 **"I hate Jehovah's Witnesses. Those people don't know when to quit. Send them away."**

 **"They don't seem like Jehovah's Witnesses..."**

 **"That's what they want you to think. Send them off or kill them if they don't get off our property."**

 **Yue Ying goes over to the front door and opens it. She gets an eager Liu Bei get all up in her face.**

 **"Is he here? Is he here?"**

 **"Jeez, calm down! Are you trying to give me a reason to hide away from you?"**

 **"I have to meet him!"**

 **"Zhuge Liang isn't a One Direction band member, so I don't understand why you're all up in his pants."**

 **"I need him!"**

 **"Well, there's Pang Tong."**

 **"Who's that? No, I want him." He pants heavily, causing Yue Ying to back away a little.**

 **"First of all, quit breathing like that. You look like a Japanese businessman ready to watch and jack off to a schoolgirl getting raped by an octopus."**

 **"Sorry."**

 **"Second of all, is Zhuge Liang really all that much to you?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"So you would suck his dick?"**

 **"No!"**

 **"Then he really isn't** **all that much to you."**

 **"Okay, I might have over exaggerated." Zhang Fei wobbles over and pointsat Yue Ying,"Ginger kid! Ginger kid! Careful! They have no souls! They'll take yours and give ya ginger-vitus!" Yue Ying makes an annoyed face and shuts the door in their faces. Liu Bei angrily kicks Zhang Fei into the pond he had puked in earlier.**

 **"Goddamn it! Now I have to wait another day thanks to you!"**

 _ **And so he did. On the third day, Zhuge Liang gave in and lets the three Jehovah's Witnesses in to only find out there was no religion involved.**_

 **"Let me get this straight." began Zhuge Liang. "You stood outside of my house for three days. And you even slept there on my porch. Just so you could hire me for your army?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"Well. That is... borderline stalker behavior."**

 **"I even sent you a FaceScroll friend request."**

 **"Along with 678 pokes..." He says as he runs his hand across his face. "Huuuu... What do you have to offer me?"**

 **"Well... Nothing... I'm poor."**

 **"Great. Just great. I finally get offered a job, but the employer has no way of paying me."**

 **"Please! I beg of you! Just... I'll suck your dick."**

 **"No! My wife already does that for me already! I don't need that from a man!"**

 **"Please! You won't regret this! I will give you the ultimate V.I.P treatment once you're in!"**

 **"Huuu...Fine."**

 **"Yay!"**

 _ **And so after three days of constant stalking, Liu Bei finally has Zhuge Liang within his** **ranks. Meanwhile b** **ack at Bailang Mountain, Cao Cao and his followers have killed off the res** **t of th** **e Yuan kids. But, at a price.**_

 **"Where is Guo Jia?" asks Cao Cao to Jia Xu and Zhang Liao.**

 **"I dunno."**

 **"I swear I saw him back when he got surrounded by those guys." Cao Cao takes Zhang Liao and shakes him by the collar.**

 **"You maniac! You failed the star objective! Now we will get his death cutscene and not his alive one!"**

 **"I didn't know I was supposed to go back there!"**

 **"He carries a long stick and magic balls! Penis innuendos do not last long in the outer world!" The Wei Kingdom theme is heard from out of nowhere and this confuses Cao Cao.**

 **"Hey! The sadness track is what should be playing!"**

 **"Sorry, sir." Jia Xu fumbles with his pockets and takes out a cell phone. "It's this. " He answers it. "Hello?" The screen splits to have Guo Jia on the other line.**

 **"Hello?"**

 **"Guo Jia?"**

 **"Yeah, I'm at this desolate Walmart here and am trying to get myself some cough medicine. But the lady keeps telling me that they don't sell cough medicine. I even banged her, but she still tells me that they don't sell cough medicine."**

 **"Why are you at Walmart?! We were supposed finish the battle and go home!"**

 **"Well, there wasn't a Walgreen's around, so I had to make do."**

 **"Where are you at Walmart?"**

 **"I'm surrounded by cans of corn."**

 **"Then get out of the canned food aisle!"**

 **"I'm out of it, but there's still more corn!"**

 **"Just get out until you see no more corn!"**

 **"There's just corn! It's everywhere!"**

 **"GET OUT OF THE CORN STORE!"**

 **"Huh... I see corn, but nothing else..."**

 **"JUST GET OUT OF THE CORN STORE!"**

 **"Oh hey, little girl. Are you looking for your mommy? I'm sorta lost too in the middle of this vast cornfield."**

 **"Wait... what? No! Guo Jia! Get away from the girl!" Jia Xu lowers his phone as a series of loud slashing and yelling is heard. He clicks it off and pockets it.**

 **"What was that?" asks Cao Cao.**

 **"Nothing. Um... Yeeah... Guo Jia's not coming back anytime soon..."**

 **"What happened to him?"**

 **"He just died. From corn. Yeah. Corn."**

 **"Corn doesn't kill you..."**

 **"Let's just move on, okay?"**

 **"I want to know how** **he died. Corn is not an option."**

 **"He was murdered by this little girl based on the call..."**

 **"Huh. Sounds like a Tuesday in Japan, am I right, guys?" He gives Zhang Liao a nudge with his elbow. "Right?"**

 **"..."**

 **"Right?"**

 **"..."**

 **"Right?"**

 **"Yes!"**

 _ **And so Guo Jia died at Bailang Mountain from unknown circumstances involving corn. Cao Cao later finds out Liu Bei is back and goes down to take care of him. By sending in his new member, Zhang He, along with Cao Ren and Li Dian, what could go wrong?**_

 **"Oh look! It's Discount Vega!" points out Li Dian. Zhang He retorts back,"Look, it's Discount Micheal Cera! Ha! Take that! And Cao Pi already made that joke back when we first met."**

 **"Aw man."**

 **"Anyway, we should get going. This camp's empty."**

 **"W** **ho's point of view** **should this be?"**

 **"Mine, of course! I'm the star here!"**

 **"No way! I want to be the star! I didn't get any lines until now!"**

 **"Too baaaad!" Zhang He runs off, leaving a trail of dust in his face. "I'm voiced by Yuri Lowenthal, so by default it's meeeeee!" He runs up to the gate formation to meet Jia Xu.**

 **"Can't we just go around the formation in order to complete the objective?"**

 **"Cao Ren is INSIDE the formation. We have to go inside."**

 **"Or. Or we could break open the gates one by one until we get into its center."**

 **"No. No... That's against the rules."**

 **"Oh, alright then."**

 **An hour later...**

 **"I just got attacked by our own soldiers! What the hell?" Jia Xu yells at him,"You went right** **when I said left! These were simple-ass instructions and you couldn't follow them! Now we're forced to watch Xiahou Dun and Cao Ren get their asses kicked by Zhao Yun from these slits formed by the gates." Li Dian runs holding his wheeled halberd over his head yelling,"Absurd giant weapon coming through!" He trips and drops the weapon onto the gates, the spinning parts cutting through the door apart.**

 **"Or we don't... Let's go." Zhang He and Jia Xu run in to knock away Zhao Yun that was about to finish off Cao Ren, who had one tiny sliver of health left.**

 **"You guys came just in time!"**

 **"What's this? You people got to him in time? Impossible!" yells out Xu Shu as he just got onto the scene.**

 **"How the hell did you get here so fast?! I had to spend an hour within these walls!" angrily asks Zhang He.**

 **"I took the back door."**

 **"There was a back door?! Jia Xu! Why didn't we go through the back door?!"**

 **"Because I needed to extend the player's gameplaaaay...?"**

 **"If I knew there was a back door , I would have gone there and let you wander around here clueless!"**

 **"I know my way around here."**

 **"I would have still left you alone. Let's kill that Assassin's Creed knock-off!"**

 **"Yeah! There can be only one Assassin's Creed knock-off and that's me!" Zhang He and Jia Xu leap towards Xu Shu and began to attack him at all angles.**

 **Over outside of the formation, Li Dian is battling with Zhang Fei, who uses barf as his main attack.**

 **"Oh god! Gross! I should have stayed inside the formation to fight with Assassin's Creed knock-offs!"**

 **"Come 'eere, pretty boy...! Blllrlragh! I got a stomach full of this stuff with your name on it... Bllllragh!"**

 **"Oh god!" Li Dian just runs away from Zhang Fei and runs into Guan Yu. He gasps and yells out,"Oh my god! Are you that limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity figure that I've** **been hearing about?!"**

 **"Stop. Calling. Me. That! The beard is angry!" Guan Yu slashes at Li Dian, only to dodge and run off. He gets to a camp across a b** **ridge and meets Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang.**

 **"Oh. Hi, that dickweed guy and this guy that I don't know." Zhuge Liang tells Liu Bei,"You're 'that dickweed guy'."**

 **"He's just mad about something he wasn't even there for!"**

 **"Looks like I have to drive away you guys." He holds up his weapon to then cause Zhuge Liang to bolt out of the camp yelling,"This wasn't what I signed up for! I carry a feather fan, for Nu Wa's sake!"**

 **"Come back! I'm sure it will be easy! Urrgh!" With one hit, Li Dian defeats Liu Bei, sending him flying into the air to disappear with a twinkle.**

 **Cao Cao stands before a tied up Xu Shu along with Zhang He, Li Dian, and Jia Xu.**

 **"They say he's smart, but is he really?" Jia Xu laughs lightly and says,"I can help you see how smart he is."**

 **"How?"**

 **"Allow me." Jia Xu goes over to Xu Shu. "League of Legends."**

 **"DOTA." Jia Xu looks at him with narrowed eyes and punts him hard up into the sky. Cao Cao yells at him,"What was that for?!"**

 **"He was dumb as a brick."**

 **"Oh. Okay."**

 **Liu Bei lands near where Zhuge Liang was standing and he quickly gets up.**

 **"We just need to wait for the others. Also, where's Xu Shu?"**

 **"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Xu Shu lands where they were and Liu Bei helps him up along with removing the ropes.**

 **"Speak of the devil, you took flying through the air as well? Anyway, we were about to leave and-"**

 **"I'm afraid I can't come with you."**

 **"Why?"**

 **"Because... You have too many people in your party."**

 **"What? No... Fine, I will remove Zhang Fei from the party."**

 **"No... He is your permanent party member."**

 **"Aw man. I remove... Yue Ying." Zhuge Liang says to him with slight annoyance in his voice,"That's my decision." He then mutters behind his fan,"Dickweed..."**

 **"Please! Let's just screw the rules here!"**

 **"Sorry. But I can't go with you. You simply have too many people in your party." Zhuge Liang goes between the two and says to Xu Shu simply,"League of Legends."**

 **"As I said to the Cao Cao guys, I don't play that. I play DOTA." Zhuge Liang glares at him and creates a huge tornado that takes Xu Shu away from there.**

 **"There. You don't have to choose anymore."**

* * *

 **[The Children of the Corn got to him.]**

* * *

 **Li Dian rushes over to Yue Ying jumping up and down.**

 **"Oh my god! Oh my god! I loved you in Soul Eater!" Yue Ying looks at him with an arched eyebrow due to her not knowing what in the world he is talking about.**

 **"I also liked you as Female Voice 1 from Saints Row the Third and Four."**


	4. The Alliance of a Hobo and Warlord

_**Liu Bei continues to run away like a little bitch and also takes a thousand peasants with him so that he could be a hero in order to balance out his bitch karma. Cao Cao sends so many people to chase after him, including himself because he is so tired of his bulls*bleep*. In the middle of this chaos, he forgets his wife and child. Yeah, someone married him and even banged him. Can't you believe it?**_

 **"It is my duty to save that mother and child!" proclaims Zhao Yun. Zhuge Liang comments,"Um... No, it isn't. No one's asking you to-"**

 **"I will go now!"**

 **"I-Yeah, go ahead. Die. We were fine without you." Zhao Yun was already taking off before he could hear his statement. After miles of running, he sees Zhang He searching around in an abandoned camp site and he charges towards him.**

 **"Oh my god, it's Pennywise! I will not let you eat the baby!"**

 **"Oh haha, I'm ghostly pale and you make a clown joke. How original." says Zhang He monotonously. "I'm just looking for-Wait a minute. I have to kill you!"**

 **"Wha-cha!" Zhao Yun does a spinning kick that knocks Zhang He away. He rushes over to a tent and finds the baby Adou. He picks the baby up and raises above his head while triumphant music plays.**

 **You got: 'Useless Baby'! _This baby is the horrid creation of Liu Bei's porking. Seriously, who would f**k that guy?_**

 **Zhao Yun stuffs the baby into a sack and begins to set out. He is then chased by Cao Cao's soldiers, but he starts to lose his breath from all the running.**

 **"Gh... huff... haaa..." His running becomes slower. Behind him was Xiahou Dun, Zhang Liao, and Zhang He. Zhang He had a big purple bruise on his cheek from the earlier kick he received.**

 **"Get back here and let me repay you for this nasty blemish to my face!" Xiahou Dun asks out loud,"If we get rid of him, will one of us become the new poster boy?" The three kept running without saying anything before all of them began to run even faster to catch up to Zhao Yun. Zhao Yun tries to keep going as he saw the bridge in the distance with Zhang Fei wobbling around on it.**

 **"Must... keep... going..." A giant spot begins to appear on his sack and he groans. "Oh god! It peed!" This causes him to run faster and manages to run across the bridge.**

 **"KthanksFeiyou'lltakecareofthemright?" He says as he speeds by Zhang Fei. Zhang Fei grumbles and looks around in confusion.**

 **"Where am I...? Am I at the circus...?" He sees the approaching army and begins to go towards them while looking very green. "Heeeey...! Where's the elephant...?" He then unleashes so much vomit that even the acid ate away at the bridge. The army stops before the vomit boundary and groans. Zhang Fei stumbles backwards and pants heavily to then cock his head back and vomit a geyser of puke that just disgusted the Cao Cao army into them just turning back.  
**

 **"Now that is just na-sty." says Zhang He.**

 **"I don't want to live on this planet anymore..." says Zhang Liao.**

 **"It's just vomit." Xiahou Dun walks forward and steps in the puke to quickly retract his foot to see that the acid ate through his shoe. "What is this?! Does he have Alien puke?!"**

 **"It seems like it. Look." Zhang Liao points at the bridge and the vomit disintegrates part of it. Zhang Fei laughs loudly before drunkenly walking over to the edge and falls off the bridge and into the river below.**

 **Zhao Yun catches up to Liu Bei with his urine-soaked sack.**

 **"My lord, I-"**

 **"Not now! I'm busy! Zhuge Liang, what are we supposed to do?"**

 **"Just run! Jeez! Or get some horses! WHY DON'T WE HAV** **E HORSES?" angrily replies Zhuge Liang.**

 **"I left those behind too."**

 **"God! You are the worst employer I ever had! And you are my only employer!"**

 **"Hey, you could be working for Sun Quan."**

 **"I would rather work for him! At least he can pay for health insurance!"**

 **"Take that back, you fiend!"**

 **"I didn't get my paycheck yet! All I've been living off of is instant noodles! Luckily, Yue Ying can make instant noodles taste different every day or else I would have gone insane from a year's worth of instant noodles! Yue Ying surprisingly has a knack for stealing packs of instant noodles, yet she can't get a chicken or something."**

 **"Come on, it will be all better once we're out of here."**

 **"I hope so. You better hope so or I'm out of here."**

 **After what seemed like miles and miles of running, Liu Bei and the others gets to the end of the map, but it turns out Cao Cao and his generals were already there.**

 **"Going somewhere, Liu Bei? Ooh, I hope into the ocean because that's where we'll dump your body in once we're done with you."**

 **"How did you get here?"**

 **"Glitch-y mountainsides. And I gave my horse Red Bull."**

 **"Just let us go-"**

 **"Phht, no way. I'm not letting you and others form a coalition with Wu that will eventually defeat me later this year."**

 **"We're not going to do that." Liu Bei quickly whispers to Zhuge Liang,"We're totally going to do that."**

 **"Letting you go means utter disaster. Someone kill him. You won't get money, but XP." His army charges towards Liu Bei, but Zhao Yun runs in front of them with his spear ready.**

 **"I will not let you near-" He gets run over by the soldiers, much to Liu Bei's dismay.  
**

 **"One man vs. a thousand? You're an idiot." Zhang Fei climbs out the river nearby and jumps onto an area of soldiers to crush and defeat some. Guan Yu appears to knock the waves of soldiers away from Liu Bei. Liu Bei turns to Zhuge Liang and questions,"Well? Aren't you going to protect me?"**

 **"I carry a feather fan."**

 **"Do your magic dance and stuff!"**

 **"No."  
**

 **"Come on!"**

 **"Huff..." Zhuge Liang shoots a giant laser beam into the crowds to explode on impact, clearing away a good amount of soldiers.**

 **"Whoa... Can I use your fan?"**

 **"No. This is my fan. You can't have it."**

 **"Aw..."**

 **"Damn, Deus Ex Machina. Never thought it would happen here." says Cao Cao. Xiahou Dun angrily tells him,"Look! They're already getting away!" Cao Cao turns and sees Liu Bei and the others on his boat, moving slowly along the river.**

 **"Bye, suckers! Haha!" T** **he boat continues to move slowly. "Zhuge Liang** **, add more wind!" Zhuge Liang fans the sail rapidly, causing the boat to move a tiny bit faster.**

 **"Magic wind!" Zhuge Liang sighs and creates a large gust of wind that sends the boat f** **lying off.**

 **Later...**

 **Liu Bei deals with the peasants' non-stop complaining while on the boat.**

 **"Is there food? I'm starving!"**

 **"Kill the crying baby already! I'm trying to get some sleep!"**

 **"Does anyone here want this baby?"**

 **"I'm thirsty!"**

 **"Does anyone here want to eat this baby?"**

 **"I'm horny! Is there a brothel here?"**

 **"Does anyone here want to f*bleep* this baby?"**

 **"Oh god... I never thought having this many poor people on board would be exhausting..." Liu Bei says while rubbing his eyes. Zhao Yun walks up to him holding Adou,"Sir, your child-"**

 **"I said I don't want your baby!" Liu Bei takes the bundle and throws it into the ocean in a rage. Zhao Yun stands there frozen in shock and says to Liu Bei,"Sir, that was YOUR baby..."**

 **"What...?"**

 **"Your wife and I almost died for that thing! Your wife died in the end, though."**

 **"...S*bleep*." Zhang Fei pukes over the deck yelling,"I think I got scurvy! Bllllraaagh!"**

 _ **Liu Bei escapes Cao Cao's grasp and soon later finds himself down south. While he is getting there, let's see what the Wu officers are up to.**_

 **Zhou Yu sits at a desk thinking to himself,"Since Sun Ce's dead. I should find a new friend. Maybe this time they should share my interests."**

 **"I can be your new best friend!" yells out Xiao Qiao.**

 **"You're my wife, silly. You're not friends with your wife. You f*bleep* them. Hahaha... Silly girl...By the way, I slept with your sister. Maybe I should increase my bonds with Sun Qu** **an and Lu Su. Wait. Lu Su. Yeah, I can be buddies with him. We're both handsome and intelligent men, it's perfect." A door opens slightly in the room with Lu Xun sticking his head out asking,"Can I come out now?"**

 **"NO! You stay in the closet until all of the Lu-s die out!"**

 **"Aw..." He retracts back inside.**

 **"Now where was I...?"**

 **At another area, Gan Ning was singing to himself the One Piece theme song as he fishes. The 4Kids one.**

 **"Dreamin', don't give it up Luffy! Dreamin', don't give it up Zolo! Dreamin', don't give it up this baby!" He fishes out the baby that was thrown into the ocean earlier, much to Gan Ning's surprise.**

 **"What the hell?! I never asked for a baby! Or is this a demon baby? Then I could get a hot demon maid to look after me and him! Sweet! Ahhh!" He dives out of the way as a ship crashes into where he was sitting near the river. Zhang Fei falls off the ship from the ship's impact. A ramp is produced and Liu Bei along with his officers walk down it. Zhao Yun rushes over to Gan Ning to snatch back the baby and gives it to Liu Bei.**

 **"Aw, this was not what I had in mind when I found that baby... A bunch of leprechauns coming over..." says Gan Ning in a disappointed voice.**

 **"Aw... I had a bunch of dead baby jokes ready..." says Zh** **uge Liang.**

 **"Oh, my kid... Thanks..." says Liu Bei as he takes Adou back with a frown. He goes over to Gan Ning and speaks slowly.**

 **"Hel-lo... We... come... here... in peace..."**

 **"Uh, we speak normally like you people-"**

 **"Where... Is... Your leader...?"  
**

 **"Huff... Right this way."**

 **Liu Bei is taken to the palace with Sun Quan waiting for him. He talks normally to him.**

 **"Your servant had a hard time understanding me, but I'm glad I was able to reach you in time." Gan Ning is behind him waving two middle fingers at him.**

 **"Aye, what did you think I was?!" yells out Gan Ning.**

 **"I think it's not safe to be keeping a felon from Mexico as your servant." Liu Bei ignores him completely as he talks to Sun Quan.**

 **"I'm not Mexican, you racist!"**

 **"Ah... He is not Mexican... He just had former ties with the Mexican cartel." says Sun Quan. "You see those tattoos and cocaine in between his butt cheeks? Yeah, he had a bad life."**

 **"Oh. Then why didn't he understand me-"**

 **"That was all you, dickweed."**

 **"Oh. Anyway, you want to help beat up Cao Cao?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Come on. I have nothing! I can share Zhuge Liang here. Geeeenius."**

 **"Hmm... I got an offer from Cao Cao already... It was to join him in killing YOU."**

 **"Ah! Don't listen to him! He is a big fat liar!** **He would suck you dry of what you have! Rape your women! Not flush your toilets! He likes the 4Kids dub of One Piece!"**

 **"Say what? Well..."**

 **"Did I mention he likes children's card games?"**

 **"Alright, we'll help you out."**

 **"Can I also get a piece of land since I'm practically homeless?"**

 **"Alright, alright..."**

 **"Can I marry your hot sister?"**

 **"Alright, alright...WAIT. What did you say?"**

 **"Can I marry your sister?"**

 **"F*bleep*. No. You're old enough to be her father. And her father's dead."**

 **"It will be like Romeo and Juliet."**

 **"They both died in the end."**

 **"Really?! I never saw that part! Aw! You spoiled it for me!"**

 **"Psst!" Sun Quan turns to Zhou Yu and he whispers,"What?"**

 **"Let him marry your sister."**

 **"Are you nuts?!"**

 **"Hear me out here. If you let your sister into his ranks, she can report stuff to you about Liu Bei. We won't have to worry about him trying to pull something on us."**

 **"Hmm... But she won't like that."**

 **"Ah, it's fine. If he tries to get into her pants, she'll cut his dick off."**

 **"Oh fine." Sun Quan turns back to Liu Bei and says,"I've changed my mind. You can marry my sister in order to ensure harmony between our two... you don't have a kingdom, do you?"**

 **"Well, no. I'm homeless."**

 **"...Harmony between two groups of people."**

 **Later that day...**

 **"I don't want to get married! I don't want kids yet! I have yet to use my hot body to lure men to their dooms with my collection of katanas!" complains Sun Shang Xiang.**

 **"Who said about you having kids? I'm just trying things out here. You have my permission to cut his dick off if he tries to violate you." attempts Sun Quan at calming her down. "It's only until he starts to become an asshole. That's when you can come home."  
**

 **"I'm going to live with him?! He has those smelly men following him around! Except the guy with the fan. He blows away all of his stink, but apparently, he can't do the others."**

 **"Huh, he does smell."**

 **"Like a hobo."**

 **"Well, he is homeless."**

 **"I'm going to live in a cardboard box?!"**

 **"No,no,no! That was before. Once I give him a piece of Jing, he will have a house to settle in and be able to take a shower."**

 **"He's using you!"**

 **"Oh, come on. No, he isn't. Now let's go get you a dress."**

 **"I'm not going dress shopping with a man! Let alone my BROTHER. What do you know about fashion? You wear that tasteless tiger print belt under those robes."**

 **"Hey, Father said it looked nice. Right before he died."**

 **"All of you have horrible sense in fashion!"**

 **"Fine, go with Zhou Yu for all I care. He has girly hair, maybe he will be more of help to you!"**

 **"Fine! I will! He has better taste!"**

 **"He wears a half-robe like everyone else in this installment!"**

 **Liu Bei is running around inside of his new house while happily giggling as Zhou Yu, Zhuge Liang, and Lu Su watch.**

 **"Yay! I'm no longer homeless! Thanks, Tom Selleck partnered with Extreme Makeover: Home Edition!"**

 **"Well, I'm not Tom Selleck, but I appreciate you think I look like him." says Lu Su.**

 **"Hey! I paid for most of this! Lu Su just stood there!" angrily complains Zhou Yu.**

 **"Well, I did make something. It's for that limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity figure." Lu Su goes towards a rectangular glass casing and opens the door to show off the inside.**

 **"Very roomy." Zhuge Liang examines the casing and nods.**

 **"I suppose Guan Yu can spend his nights in here. Do you have another one for Zhang Fei? I would like him in a box."**

 **"Why? He's disgusting."**

 **"I want him to drown in his own puke while in that."**

 **"We'll get to that later. Now have that limited edition heavily sun-burnt deity figure in here."**

 **"Take that up with Liu Bei. He doesn't like to take my orders."**

 **"Alright, so we're all good friends, right?"**

 **"Riiiiight..."**

 **"Zhou Yu?"**

 **"Yes, yes."**

 **"Yay. Let's have a nice alliance in kicking Cao Cao's butt! We'll defeat him with the power of friendship!"**

 **"This isn't My Little Pony, say it like an adult man."**

 **"What?"**

 **"Well, don't use 'the power of friendship'. At all. Never. Or else you'll be the most hated character in a series."**

 **"Well, I said it. Can't take it back. Let's just go take a lunch break."**

 **"I am not paying this time."**

 **"Isn't the wedding tonight?" asks Zhuge Liang. "You can eat as much as you want during the reception. I can finally eat real food now..."**

 **"That's right..."**

 **"Oh, s*bleep*! The wedding!" yells out Liu Bei. He runs out of the house, leaving the three to stand there.**

 **The wedding ceremony happens and Zhuge Liang doesn't bother watching because he was sneaking food into his sleeves and taking a few bites.**

 **"Jeez, slow down." says Lu Su. "You'll choke. I know Lian Shi's a great cook, but it's worth not dying for."**

 **"It's been soooo long since I had food! Look! Even Yue Ying's trying to smuggle out some bites here! That's how sick we are of f*bleep*ing instant noodles!"**

 **"At least pretend to care about the wedding here since it is like the marriage of our two... groups of people..."**

 **"Oh, we both know it's not going to end well. Just lke Kanye West and Kim Kardashian."**

 **"Who?"**

 **"I don't know, that came out of my mouth for some reason... Might as well keep eating to avoid those kind of comments."**

 _ **Liu Bei marries Sun Shang Xiang to form an alliance between Sun Quan and himself. Cao Cao later learns the two had become besties and takes their challenge to duke it out on the rivers of Chibi. No, not that kind of chibi. Chibi. Cher-bee, not chee-bee. You pronounce it differently, you weeb.**_

 **"Oh my god! It happened! Liu Bei has teamed up with Sun Quan to kick my behind! I would never believed it, but it happened! Jeez! If I had more Red Bull ready back there, I would just flew after him!" complains Cao Cao while punching his desk.**

 **"Sir, Red Bull doesn't even do anything. It just gets you very, very, hyped up on sugar and caffine." says Xun Yu.**

 **"Well, you've clearly had some of it to know what it does.** **"**

 **"Your horse died that day, you know."**

 **"Ah, it was a generic horse. Crappy Level 1 horse."**

 **"What are you going to do now?"**

 **"Do what any normal person would do! Take up their offer for war! That's what a man does!"**

 **"You will lose."**

 **"Aw, don't be a stick in the mud. You British people are such downers. How could you not know if you don't try?"**

 **"I've already calculated the possibilities of winning and the odds are against you."**

 **"Then that means I must increase my troop numbers and officers! Xun Yu! Click 'Forced Draft'!"**

 **"Then your virtue-"**

 **"Who gives a f*bleep* about the virtue?! I'm motherf*bleep*ing Cao Cao! I don't need virtue!" Cao Cao reaches over towards the face that was next to his name that was already making a devil-ish look and rips it off.**

 **"There. I'm nothing! I am just doing things my way!"**

 **"Alright, sir...You got your soldiers, now about the officers. There is a free officer around in Henan by the name of 'Sima Yi' along with a few more Simas. There is this funny name here... And it's a woman-"**

 **"I almost read that as 'Chihuahua'! Hahahahaha! I hope when I click on that name it gives me the link to the movie,'Beverly Hills Chihuahua'!"**

 **"That was a horrible movie."**

 **"We all know it was horrible. But won't it be hilarious?"**

 **"Hmm... It seems like the Sima Yi officer has a virtue of evil. Look at the devil face next to his name."**

 **"He's perfect. Draft him."**

 **"He has a z** **ero percent chance of recruiting."**

 **"Say whaaaaat? Crap... Fine, we'll wait next episode to figure how to recruit him."**

* * *

 **[Guess who's going to appear next chaaaapter. Ah, you already** **know.]**

* * *

 **"I wonder where we're going for our honeymoon." says Liu Bei.**

 **"We don't have time for one." Sun Shang Xiang tells him.**

 **"We won't be kicking Cao Cao's behind yet! In that case we can just spend time alone and..."**

 **"No sex. I don't want to see that thing at all during our marriage or else it will come off."**

 **"Gulp! Well, can we at least have some vacation time?"**

 **"Hmm..."**

 **The next scene shows Liu Bei being held by ropes while on the side of a snowy mountain. Sun Shang Xiang was ahead of him by a lot of meters.**

 **"This was not what I had in mind!"**

 **"Oh, I've always wanted to visit the Himalayas!"**

 **"The Himalayas are mountains!"**

 **"Exactly! Once we're at the top of the world, we'll jump back down towards China again!"**

 **"Oh... f*bleep*..."**

 **Later...**

 **Sun Shang Xiang stands next to Liu Bei encased in ice with Sun Quan in front of them. She points at the ice cube and says,"Pussy."**


	5. Rejected SY personality from letter fic

_**The name 'Sima' comes up a lot when you search for 'smartasses' on Google. And Google is right for once. The Sima family is known for pumping out kids smarter than that Indian boy you bullied in high school. Despite being so goddamn smart, they do not know how to use condoms. This explains why for each generation of Sima, more kids were being born than the previous one. They just love to f*bleep*, those guys.**_

 **Two older men sat across from each other while holding cups of tea.**

 **"How old is your kid?"**

 **"In his twenties and is still living in my house."**

 **"Whoa... Um... Do you have someone younger and about my kid's age?"**

 **"No. I want HIM to get a life. The rest can wait."**

 **"Why do you want him out of your house so badly?"**

 **"He spends day and night playing his stupid games and not bothering to find a job!"**

 **"But... My daughter's too young to you know..." That man makes a circle with one hand** **and pokes a finger through the circle.**

 **"Exactly. This will teach him a lesson on adulthood and waiting."**

 **"Alright. Let's get them married against their wills."**

 **"Excellent."**

* * *

 **Sima Yi is sitting in a dark room staring at a computer screen when he hears footsteps. He gets up quickly and kicks all of the electronic equipment out of a window. He pulls on a chain to light up the room. The door opens to have one of the older men from earlier walk in.**

 **"Yi, you can stop kicking that s*bleep* out of the window because I can hear** **that and already know about** **your hobbies."**

 **"What s*bleep*? I have nothing of the sort. How's your day, dear Father?"**

 **"I still see that box of tissues and Vaseline container."**

 **"You know you live in a house of teenage boys. Every room would have that."**

 **"You're not a teenager though."**

 **"Riiiight... I just keep that for... dry skin..."**

 **"Uh-huh. You're getting married."**

 **"Oh, that's great. You were upset after Mother died, so this is good-"**

 **"YOU ARE getting married."**

 **"Say what now? Where was my say in all of this?"**

 **"Your word has no meaning."**

 **"Well, is the woman hot?"**

 **"By pedophile standards. Here you go." The father holds up a young girl with brown hair by the collar like if she were a cat.**

 **"...Do I look like a fatass wearing a fedora carrying a body pillow of an anime girl?"**

 **"Isn't that in your porn history?"**

 **"That's in Fu's porn history."**

 **"You two look the same, I don't care who searches for hentai porn."**

 **"Anyway, I'm getting married to this thing?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"...Excuse me." Sima Yi turns around and walks up to a window to then try to quickly climb out, but his father runs over and grabs his foot.**

 **"You're not going anywhere!"**

 **"I don't want to be a lolicon!"**

 **"You don't have to stick your dick in her until she's old enough to understand what's going on!"**

 **"Believe me, I already understand what will happen to me once I hit eighteen." says the girl still being held by the father.**

 **"Get back in here!" The father pulls hard enough to get Sima Yi back into the room. Sima Yi lies there in defeat and the father drops the girl by him.**

 **"Just get to know each other and it'll be all over." The father walks out of the room and Sima Yi blankly stares at the girl sitting beside him.**

 **"How old are you?"**

 **"Thirteen." She replies.**

 **"Well... I have to wait five years to bang you-" He notices the girl's chest is abnormally large for her age. "The hell's up with your chest?! Do you have two tumors in there?!"**

 **"Excuse you, sir! And why are you even looking in the first place?!" She covers up her chest in defense.  
**

 **"You're like something out of a Japanese hentai! F*EFF!*! Can I squeeze 'em?"**

 **"NO! You're acting like you've seen these for the first time of your life!"**

 **"Because this IS the first I've seen those! Man, puberty hit you like a bus!"**

 **"I get made fun of for these! Every time I go outside, boys would call me names because of my bust** **size..." She says tearfully.**

 **"Aw... I didn't know..." He said in an emphatic voice, but then he shouts,"...that we were on freakin' Oprah!"**

 **"You're a dick!"**

 **"Indeed, I am. Oh right, I never asked you for your name. What is your name?"**

 **"Zhang Chunhua."**

 **"Banana?"**

 **"Chunhua."**

 **"Chubert?"**

 **"Chunhua."**

 **"Churning butter?"**

 **"Chun. Hua."**

 **"Qiuhua."**

 **"Almost there."**

 **"Chihuahua."**

 **"I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR THROAT OUT."**

 **"Sorry! Your name is way too hard for me."**

 **"What?!"**

 **"Most of the kids here have one syllable names, you have two. It's hard."**

 **"Again, it's Chunhua."**

 **"I'm just going to call you Diana until I figure this whole Chunhua thing is settled."**

 **"You just said it!"**

 **"Said what?"**

 **"My name!"**

 **"Diana?"**

 **"F*bleep* you."**

 **"You will be f*EFF!*ing me once you're eighteen."**

 **"Urrrgh! Oh goody... I can't... f*bleep*ing wait..." She says through gritted teeth.**

* * *

 **A year later...**

 **Sima Yi is sitting at a desk playing with his computer. The screen displays League of Legends.**

 **"This 'ZhUGONNAGETREKETliang181' surely is someone worth fighting ag** **ainst. Too bad he often gets pulled into my killing sprees." Zhang Chunhua walks in to tell him,"There is someone here that wants to talk t** **o you."**

 **"About his lord and savior, Jesus Christ?"**

 **"No, but similar. He said his lord and savior, Cao Cao."**

 **"Tell him I don't want any cookies."**

 **"You do know who Cao Cao is, right?"**

 **"Those chocolate cookies that taste like burnt ass?"**

 **"Be serious."**

 **"Yes, I know him. My father is best friends with him. What does this someone want?"**

 **"Cao Cao wants you to work for him." She says in a slow mocking tone,"It's a job."**

 **"No thanks."**

 **"What?! You need to make money to support us!"**

 **"My father can send it in."**

 **"B-But..."**

 **"If YOU want a job, why don't YOU enlist?"**

 **"Women aren't allowed in politics unless you're an empress."**

 **"Then send that someone away. Tell him I'm sick or something."**

 **"Huff..." She goes out of the room and tells that someone that Sima Yi was sick.**

 **"Oh... It seems my success rate was not enough. I was sure 'Persuade' would be the most successful..." says Xun Yu as he turns away from the door.**

 **Later, she comes b** **ack and asks Sima Yi,"How long are** **you able to live off hand-me-downs from your father?"**

 **"I can sell books. People love books."**

 **"And what kind of books?"**

 **"...Hentai?"**

 **"..."**

 **"Okay, okay. Maybe some manga or comic books. Then I would be able to charge outrageous prices for them."**

 **"Can you even draw?"**

 **"Can YOU?"**

 **"...Well... Um... No. I can't."**

 **"Then we both know what I'm doing then. I will go do that while you can sit here and rack up my XP."**

 **"I don't even know-"**

 **"It's good to start them off young. Here you go." Sima Yi picks her up and plops her onto his chair. "I'll be back in two hours. Have fun now." He** **leaves the room, leaving Zhang Chunhua with the computer.**

 **Two hours later...**

 **Sima Yi walks back into the room announcing,"I finished one volume out of the 600 volumes of OneBleaDragonNaruZ! And how was your two hours?" He walks** **over to the desk an** **d sees Zhang Chunhua playing something entirely different from what he normally plays.**

 **"What is THAT?!"**

 **"DOTA." Sima Yi stands t** **here for a moment before picking up the computer and throwing it out the window.**

 **"What was that?!"**

 **"I want a divorce."**

 **Later that night, a knock is heard at the front door.**

 **"Open up! We demand to see Sima Yi, whether or not he is well enough to come to the front door to answer this!" Sima Yi runs quickly towards his bed and hops in to then quickly fake a paralysis state.**

 **"Chunhua! Answer it!" He says** **through gritted teeth. Zhang Chunhua rushes to his room first to say,"Oh, SO NOW you remember my name."**

 **"Just do it! My life is at stake here! I didn't know they would come here with spears just because I said I was sick!"**

 **"Huff..." She goes over to the door and opens it to get one meaty hand pushing her out of the way. An armor clad man along with some soldiers storm in and get to where Sima Yi was lying.**

 **"Hello?" Sima Yi response in groans and grunts while frozen in his bed.**

 **"Sir...? Are you okay?"**

 **"Nrrrgh. Anndhgahfkdhdkfoak** **dfnafkafdagruhhkdfpclmdsao'frandomkeyboardstuffssjfhdujfbjafnjkdn...!"**

 **"Oh god, he's possessed! We have to-" Sima Yi twists his head all the way around to then suddenly shoot green liquid at the soldiers out of his mouth. This causes all of the soldiers to run out of the house and just out of the area in general. Sima Yi breaks down laughing while pointing at the doorway,"Kahahaha... Oh my god...! Those soldiers are complete wimps!"**

 **"Are you f*bleep*ing kidding me?! Am I supposed to clean this up?!" yells out Zhang Chunhua when she sees the green liquid spilled out all over the floor.**

 **"Well, you wanted a job, right? Here you go. Unless you want to do other 'jobs'..."**

 **"Apparently, you're against putting your dick inside a teenager, but you certainly don't mind them giving you oral or manual pleasure..."**

 **"Because it's perfectly safe and still morally fine."**

 **"I still have risks to consider!"**

 **"I am perfectly clean of STD's."**

 **"Right, you're a twenty-four year-old virgin. I forgot."**

 **"Oh, shut up! You're one too!"**

 **"Fourteen year-olds are ALLOWED to be virgins. For your case, it's just sad. All you have is that box of tissues and jar of Vaseline to quell your desires."**

 **"I won't be needing those anymore once you grow up into a woman that I will f*EFF!*."**

 **"Can't you just call up a concubine or something?"**

 **"I don't have any."**

 **"Exactly."**

 **"Damn it! Why are you giving me smartass lines?! You should be crying about Zayn leaving One Direction like a normal girl your age would do!"**

 **"Who's that?"**

 **"I don't know. That just came out of my mouth for some reason." He looks upwards with an arched eyebrow.**

 **Outside, Xun Yu slaps his hand on his face.**

 **"Bollucks! The 'Intimidate' strategy didn't work! I should have called Xiahou Dun for this job!"**

 **The next day...**

 **"I should go see how my first volumes of OneBleaDragonNaruZ is doing outside." Sima Yi walks outside and sees that the sky is grey. "Looks like it's going to rain. Might as well take these in." He goes over to the drying books and picks them up to take them inside the house. He notices a woman in the distance watching him.**

 **"Huh... We have a maid...? So that's why I've been getting food in my stomach."1**

 **Inside the house, the maid cheerfully tells Zhang Chunhua,"It's a miracle! Your husband is no longer possessed! Praise the Lord!"**

 **"Cao Cao never did anything..."**

 **"No! The one in the sky!"**

 **"Fu Xi...?"**

 **"I'm talking about God, of course!"**

 **"Mmhm...** **Please stop talking, my head hurts."**

 **"What's wrong, m'lady?"**

 **"Nothing... I have blood pooling from my nether regions and my stomach is in constant pain."**

 **"Oh, that means you're becoming a woman. It's called a period."**

 **"I know that. Now I just would like you to stop talking."**

 **"You know, my cousin's sister's kid is having the exact same situation as you. She's having a hard time with..." The maid cont** **inues to ramble on, causing Zhang Chunhua to burn bright red in anger. She clentches her fists and the camera switches to a window as blood splatters o** **nto it.**

 **Sima Yi walks into a room announcing,"I heard some blood splattering! Can I join in on the fun-Oh." He sees a censored object surrounded by a blood pool.**

 **"Great. I can't have an affair with the maid like what happens in the movies. Ugh, who's going to clean this up? The maid? Hahahahahaha!" He looks over to see Zhang Chunhua cursing at the corpse.**

 **"S*bleep*, s*bleep*, s*bleep*! What have I done?! I don't want to go to jail!** **"**

 **"Calm down, it's just a little blood."**

 **"A LITTLE?!"**

 **"Yeah, this is nothing. Get some Clorox bleach along with a few Glade candles and this never happened."**

 **"You're not the one who has her blood on your hands! Please don't send me to jail! Do you know what happens in those women's prisons?"**

 **"Hot lesbian sex?"**

 **"NO!"**

 **"Don't worry, I'm not going to send you to jail. Just get a shovel and help me bury this blob of human pudding."**

 **Sima Yi finishes patting down dirt with a shovel as Zhang Chunhua quickly says to him,"So we're good? No women's prison for me, right?"**

 **"I should stop letting y** **ou use my 70-inch plasma screen TV. With Netflex. With all seasons of Orange is the New Black."**

 ***Three mice with high-pitched voices appear to say this* Three years later...**

 **"Can we have sex now?"**

 **"No."**

 **"But my penis can't take it anymore! I'm getting blue balls here!"**

 **"Well, let that thing turn purple as your robes for all I care."**

 **"You're seventeen! Your body is already woman-like! No one will ever know!"**

 **"Sorry, no."**

 **"Nrrragh!"**

 **Another year later...**

 **"There! You're eighteen now." He stands there in silence while Zhang Chunhua looks at him blankly and asks,"Aren't you going to beg for sex like you always did every time my birthday comes around for the last five years?"**

 **"Ah, I'm no longer interested. I'm officially a thirty year-old virgin thanks to you... Give it ten more years and it's a movie."**

 **"Aw, don't be that way. Come on, just ask."**

 **"No."**

 **"Come on. Ask."**

 **"No. I am not giving you the satisfaction now."**

 **"Just ask for sex!"**

 **"Nah. I'm fine with a box of tissues and jar of Vaseline. Anyway, I got you a present."**

 **"Ooh, is it a dress?"**

 **Sima Yi holds out a box and he is grinning manically as he watches Zhang Chunhua open the box to only jump back in shock.**

 **"THAT'S YOUR F*BLEEP*ING DICK! Oh my god! Uggh!"**

 **"Surprise, my dear future sex partner."**

 **"Oh god! That is... ugh! No! This was not how I would see my first penis other than biology textbooks!"**

 **"Come on, you actually believed me refusing your offer? You're funny."**

 **"I never thought you would give me your dick in a box!"**

 **"Well, there's a hole in the box for my penis. I would never cut it off, of course. What am I, Vincent Van Gogh?"**

 **"That doesn't explain WHY you did this!"**

 **"Do I really need to explain? We've never seen each other naked, and I thought this would be a good introduction to what is going to go up your vagina. Do you want another look-"**

 **"No. Just no. Ugh."**

 **"How about you give me a hug?"**

 **"NO. Not with that sticking out!"**

 **"Aw, come on. It's just a penis. It doesn't hurt anyone, unless you go in too hard-"**

 **"Let's... Just save it for tomorrow."**

 **"No way! I waited five years for this! We're doing it right now! On the floor!"**

 **"Or we can just go to the bedroom that is literally a few inches from us." Sima Yi stands there in silence holding the box still and gestures towards it,"Want another look-"**

 **"No means no!"**

 **"You're going to see it, one way or another."**

 **"I prefer it not in a gift box!"**

 **"Alright." Sima Yi throws out the box and Zhang Chunhua covers her eyes at the mosaic down below.**

 **"And put that thing back in also..." The mosaic disappears as Sima Yi pulls up his pants.**

 **"Maybe you're right. I think it could wait for tomorrow. Now how about a hug?"**

 **"Huh? Really? If that's what you want..." She goes towards him to give him the hug and the next shot shows her puking into a pot.**

 **"Damn you! I f*bleep*ing hate you! You sniveling snake!" Sima Yi walks up to her while having a big grin on his face.**

 **"That's not what you said last night! Mwahahahahah... You clearly enjoyed all of that. And now I can officially say goodbye to my box of tissues and jar of Vaseline. I have you now."**

 **"Blllragh! I forgot the Simas don't know what the word 'condom' means! I'm destined to ruin my recently matured young body for one of your kids!"**

 **"Your skin can bounce back since you're only eighteen. Be glad you're not sixteen or this ordeal will be turned into a TLC reality show."**

 **"Uggh... Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick again..." She pukes into the pot again.**

 **"So, my dear. Sometime tomorrow?"**

 **"What?! You want more?! You got what you wanted! Tricking me into hugging you and getting raped in the process... What more could you want?!"**

 **"Hey, I am currently NEET and you aren't allowed to have a job, I have to take advantage of this. And** **it wasn't rape. You clearly consented the moment you pulled down my pants and sucked my-"**

 **"I wasn't thinking! My hormones did the rest!"**

 **"Looks like your hormones are making you upset right now. I should go check on my second volume of OneBleaDragonNaruZ."**

 **"Get an actual job now there's your kid on the way!"**

 **"In nine months, right? I can wait until then."**

 **Sima Yi goes outside and looks at books drying along the side of the house.**

 **"Now to get these laminated and sell them to a comic book shop. They'll do t** **he rest."**

 **"Excuse me, good sir. But you seem quite well today." Sima Yi jumps at this voice and turns around to see Cao Cao along with Xun Yu.**

 **"How the f*EFF!* did you people get in my house?! These walls aren't climbable!"**

 **"Your walls are glitch-y. That's why we didn't have to use the front gate."**

 **"Well, get out! I'm trying to sell plagiarized comic books here!"**

 **"How about a job with me instead?"**

 **"No."**

 **"We have free healthcare and I heard a woman puking in there, so that's oughta to be worth something."**

 **"She's just being a girl about me impregnating her."**

 **"Ooh, you're going to have a kid? I have one too-no, scratch that, I have plenty." Cao Cao takes out a wallet and opens it to have spill out a roll of pictures of all of his children, including Cao Pi in most of them.**

 **"Ohhh... Great to hear..."**

 **"So we have a deal?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Maybe offering something would increase the rate." Xun Yu says while he holds up a scroll depicting meatbuns all over it.** **"Unlimited meatbuns. Unless there's a famine."**

 **"No." Xun Yu puts that away and holds up another scroll.**

 **"Cao Cao will pay for League of Legends skins."**

 **"Skins don't do anything."**

 **"Bugger, you're a smart consumer."**

 **"Goodbye." Sima Yi rushes back into his house and slams the door.**

 **"Damn it! We almost had him!** **I need someone to replace Guo Jia, and this is the only other guy that I could recruit!" fumes Cao Cao.**

 **"Don't you have me and Jia Xu?" comments Xun Yu.**

 **"You're British and Jia Xu's a broadband hogger, I need sexual deviant for the last slot!** **We'll get him. Eventually. Make your success rate 80% this year!"**

 **"I do not understand, why aren't any of my tactics working? They usually work with my dashing good looks. Even at 50%."**

 **"HIS dashing good looks probably countered YOUR dashing good looks."**

 **"That's impossible!"**

 **Nine months later...**

 **A nurse is holding a crying baby. Its cries then turn into full human speech for a short time.**

 **"Wah! Wah! Baby usurper hungry! Somebody fetch me a meatbun! Wah!" Sima Yi looks at the baby and says,"I already see greatness in this kid. He even did what I did when I was born."**

 **"You remember your own birth...?" asks Zhang Chunhua.**

 **"Of course! It was a glorious day indeed."**

* * *

 **A memory of a baby resembling Sima Yi is crying along with being capable of speech.**

 **"Wah! Wah! Baby political adviser hungry! Somebody fetch me a nipple!"**

* * *

 **"You're just messing with me..."**

 **"Come on, you heard the baby. He is destined to usurp. Something."**

 **"Now that the kid's born, WILL YOU NOW PLEASE GET A JOB?"**

 **"Oh yeah... I should take up Cao Cao's offer... Riiiight after I get this kid a nipple."**

 **"..."**

 **"I'm referring to you. Only one of us can lactate."**

 **"Men can lactate if you try hard-"**

 **"Oh shut up. Men are not MADE to do that. That's why breasts exist in women."**

 **"Fine."**

 **"Can I have the other nipple?" Sima Yi says quickly.**

 **"GET OUT. AND GET THE JOB."**

 **Sima Yi sits in front of Cao Cao's desk.**

 **"Oh NOW you come crying to me. You could have saved Xun Yu from moping around in failure by coming a month earlier."**

 **"It's not me. It's my wife who wants me to have the job. But women aren't allowed in the workforce, so that leaves me."**

 **"I get it, I get it. I have one of those too. Well, I can't refuse a Sima working for me, so here's a hat for joining my empire." Cao Cao holds out that imfamous purple hat, causing Sima Yi to get up and attempt to walk out the door.**

 **"Wait! It's a really comfortable hat! A lot of strategists wear hats!"**

 **"That looks like a f*EFF!*ing boat."**

 **"Come on! It's not that bad! It has built-in chopsticks!"**

 **"That's useless!"**

 **"Not when you are left with no bowl or utensils to eat your meal in!"**

 **"I'm going to be a political adviser! I don't need that!"**

 **"I will give you a 70-inch plasma screen TV."**

 **"Uh-huh."**

 **"With Hulu."**

 **"F*EFF!* off. And I just happen to have that 70-inch plasma screen TV, so no deal."**

 **"This hat gives its user ultimate magical power! Look at the hat I gave Xun Yu and he wrecks s*bleep* with a baby rattle!"**

 **"What do I get to wreck s*bleep*?"**

 **Sima Yi is back at his home with the hat and whip sighing.**

 **"You got to be joking me... A whip? Just give me spandex and I'm the lead for 50 Shades of Grey..."**

 **"But you finaly got a job." says Zhang Chunhua in an attempt to cheer him up.**

 **"That I never asked for!"**

 **"You're the man here, so you need to bring in some money. At least your salary can feed a family while writing OneBleaDragonNaruZ manga is going to get you nowhere."**

 **"Come on! I just needed fifty more volumes for it to be a hit! You know your manga is a hit when gay fanart of it shows up."**

 **"It was NEVER going to be a hit since it was plagiarized."**

 **"Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, dear wife." says Sima Yi sarcastically. "You are being a total bitch right now."**

 **"Look on the bright side, they even gave you a welcome gift basket." She gestures to a basket filled with random items. Sima Yi takes it and looks through the contents.**

 **"Blueberry scented bodywash... Ewww... You take it."**

 **"It's for men."**

 **"What kind of man wants to smell like fruit? Pass." He tosses the bottle behind him. "Rubber ducky hat... Grape soda with the boss' son's picture on it... Children's trading cards... A Hello Kitty watch... Bar of soap shaped like a fenghuang... A clock that just has 'Kill Liu Bei' replacing its numbers... A decorative dagger... The complete DVD box set of Sex in the City... And this small teddy bear with Cao Cao's facial features."**

 **Sima Yi holds up the bear and imitates Cao Cao's voice through it.**

 **"Hey, Chunhua. Your husband's not going to go die out in the battlefield because he has already died inside since he is in politics."**

 **"Oh, that's right. What do you want to name the baby?"**

 **"Hm? You choose."**

 **"How about... Wei?"**

 **"Oh, how original. Name him after the state."**

 **"Why don't you try, smart-ass?"**

 **"Hm... Ichigokunarufy."**

 **"F*bleep* no are you going to name your son after a character in your botched manga!"**

 **"Lang."**

 **"You have a brother named that. I'm been thinking 'Shi'."**

 **"Sure, name your son 'rock'."**

 **"It doesn't mean 'rock!' That's a different shi!"**

 **"Fine, Shi it is. Make fun of that fact his name needs one 'T' in order to make it a swear word."**

* * *

 **[Sima Yi's drying books were manga. True story.]**

* * *

 **"Wah! Wah! Baby usurper needs diaper change! Somebody pick up my poop!" yells out the baby. Zhang Chunhua raises an eyebrow and asks,"Why is Shi talking in a British accent? I have just noticed that."**

 **"Why do YOU have a British accent? Are you from Hong Kong?"**

 **"No, I'm not."**

 **"Then the baby is from Hong Kong."**

 **"He was just born!"**

 **"Then your vagina's Hong Kong. There, mystery solved."**


	6. The Battle of Two Warlords and a Hobo

_**The time has come for the Three Kingdoms Era to 'officially' begin as Cao Cao sets out with his giant boat army towards the south of China. Liu Bei and Sun Quan's forces set up their own boats also to then go up to meet with him. Zhuge Liang hatches up a plan to defeat Cao Cao that proved that he was clearly high when he came up with this.**_

 **"Have you been taking drugs?" asks Sun Quan.**

 **"I d-didn't take a-anything when I thought of th-this..." Zhuge Liang's head moving about slowly along with his eyes blinking non-stop.**

 **"Do you expect me to believe you can change the wind's course? I mean, that's stupid."**

 **"I-I'm serious! Just have someone blow up some ships with fire ships and-and I can call winds to-to blow and spread the fire all over the boats..."**

 **"What's wrong with your eyes?"**

 **"I didn't get enough sleep... Yes, sleep."**

 **"Are you sure you're not high right now?"**

 **"No,no,no... Something... Something... uuuhh... I think those mushrooms in that dish weren't the edible knd... Ooohhh..." Zhou Yu looks at Zhuge Liang with an evil grin.**

 **"Serves you right for making fun of me liking DOTA..."**

* * *

 **"So, what do you do in your spare time?" asks Zhuge Liang to Zhou Yu over tea.**

 **"I write poetry and music, bang my wife's older sister/best friend's widow, and play some DOTA." Zhuge Liang laughs loudly before falling over and banging the ground. Zhou Yu scowls at him and says,"What's so funny?!"**

 **"I can't even find words! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"**

 **"Oh my god, you're one those League of Legends players. You do realize it is the same thing except with different colors?"**

 **"We have bushes!"**

 **"Who the f*bleep* cares about the bushes?! That's the only thing that game didn't copy!"**

 **"At least it has eight times more users than that thing!"**

 **"But it has more stunning visuals."**

 **"Haha, visuals don't matter!"** **The two keep bickering and when they do stop, Zhou Yu storms into a room and finds a box.**

 **"Looks like you won't be needing these anymore, Ce." He opens the box and it was filled with odd-smelling plants. He grabs a handful of mushrooms in it and puts the box away.**

 **Zhou Yu tosses the bunch of wrinkly mushrooms to Xiao Qiao saying,"Make something to eat for our guest."**

 **"Okay! But wait... these look funny..."**

 **"Oh, don't worry about it. Sun Ce's stash has perfectly natural plants for use."**

* * *

 **"Sir, if he can't follow through with this, we have a right to kill him."**

 **"Well, I** **suppose... Fine, we'll see how this goes."**

 **"I will oversee the fire attack since that is the most practical option here."**

 **"Very well."**

 **Later, Zhuge Liang, who was still under the influence, sits at a table with Lu Su and Zhou Yu. Lu Su** **asks,"Well, if that is going work... What do you need to pull this off?"**

 **"I-I... might need an altar, some herbs to burn, incense, feathers, nice white robes, and a box of Cheez-Its."**

 **"Is that last item really neccesary..?"**

 **"Of course it is...! Don't question me."**

 **"Alright..."**

 **"Now we got that out of the way, how about the fire attack?" says Zhou Yu.**

 **"I can do it! I can do it!" The closet door opens with Lu Xun jumping up and down. Zhou Yu goes over and slams the door back in.**

 **"NO! Stay in there!"  
**

 **"Aw..."**

 **"Anyway, I think we should consider Huang Gai for this. He likes to crash into things, thus this will be perfect for him."**

 **"He can't swim." says Lu Su.**

 **"Yes, he can! Every person here knows how to swim! He is going out** **there! There, we have our game plan."**

 _ **The 'Crash n' Burn' plan just sounded nuts, but everyone rolled with it. Meanwhile, Cao Cao was already there on the river, but just decided to wait until nighttime to do it. Just like sex.**_

 **"Ah, just look at all of my ships. We're going to win big time and unite the country!" says Cao Cao confidently. Behind him was the many officers that could appear in this stage.**

 **"Why am I here? I'm not supposed to be here." says Sima Yi.**

 **"Well, too bad. We need to stuff in screen time for everyone."**

 **"Ugh, it's humid here! I did my hair for nothing!" complains Zhang He.**

 **"Hey, I should be saying that!" y** **ells Zhen Ji.** **"I'm the only woman here!"**

 **"Aw man! Why do we have to wait until nighttime?" groans Yue Jin.**

 **"Slow down there, Little Mac. It's hot out here, of course we don't want to fight right now. Nighttime would be cooler." says Li Dian.**

 **"You have pubes for hair, of course you would say that." comments Zhang Liao.**

 **"Ah, Guo Jia's dead, so I have to deal with Cao Cao's gay friend." mumbles Jia Xu about Xun Yu, who heard him.**

 **"I'm not gay, I'm just British."**

 **"I'm a fat guy in the midst of pretty boys and hot dads!" Xu Chu randomly says.**

 **"Oh my god, there is so many f*bleep*ing people in this cast." said Xiahou Dun. "No wonder Koei couldn't provide good character development and lines for some people."**

 **"I was an awesome guy in real life, but a bland minor character in here!" Xu Huang randomly yells out.**

 **"Me too!" yells Cao Ren.**

 **"Dad, why is everyone jammed onto this ship?" asks Cao Pi.**

 **"This is the camp. We will all stand here until night falls."**

 **"Ugggh...Well, I'll just go bang Zhen then for the day. I always wanted to have sex on a boat."**

 **"Oh god, if that's the case, I have to call my wife to tell her I will be home late." says Sima Yi. Cao Cao tell him,"What are you talking about? She's right there." Sima Yi looks around and sees that Zhang Chunhua is standing by him.**

 **"What the f*EFF!*? Why are you here?! You're not supposed to be here until the Jin storyline!"**

 **"Jin?"**

 **"Um... Nothing. Anyway, why the f*EFF!* are you here?"**

 **"Apparently, I'm recruitable."**

 **"Then who the hell is taking care of our son?! And big ha about the fact you are an eligible candidate for working here!"**

 **"...Oh. Oh no."**

* * *

 **"Wah! Wah! Baby usurper hungry!" was being blurted out of a crib.**

* * *

 **"How am I supposed to get back...?"**

 **"Wait, wait. Before you go, let me admire something first. Who gave that skimpy dress? My pants get tighter everytime I look at you in it."**

 **"Well, your boss gave it to me. And for that comment, ew."**

 **"He. Is. A. F*EFF!*ing. GENIUS. That dress gives me a good view of your boobs, and without the goddamned censorship. And it looks like I can stick my dick right between there and you can give me an on-the-go titjob."**

 **"Oh my god, can't you go through life without thinking about sex?!"**

 **"But I like sex."**

 **"Yeah, I'm going home."**

 **"What about my titjob?"**

 **"NO! Forget it."**

 **"Cool, we got a stripper!" yells out Cao Pi.**

 **"That's not a stripper, but could be one. No, it's my wife. Oh, that's right! She can be a stripper! One of those 'no touching' strippers, of course."**

 **"Yeah, I'm leaving right now. "**

 **"Now how are you getting home?"**

 **"Recall." A bright light surrounds her and she disappears after seven seconds.**

 **"Aw man! Now where can I get a clean sex act performed on me?" Cao Cao says,"That's the very question most of the men are asking themselves. Aside from the 'clean' part. Because you know, there is barely any actual women here. And since this is rated T, there are no brothels. All they have is their hand. You are one of the lucky ones."**

 **"You boast having many kids. Where's your wife?"**

 **"She's a card." Cao Cao holds up the SS Blast appearance of Bianshi and there was a large hole over her body.**

 **"Why is t** **here-"**

 **"Sima Yi, one word and you're walking the plank."**

 **"If that's the case, then how were your children born?"**

 **"Do not go into details here. I killed the last guy who questioned this."**

 **"Alright, alright."**

 **Back in Wu, Zhuge Liang was watching soldiers set up his altar and set up a table with the other items on it. He was still high though. Yue Ying walks up to him and asks,"You do know you're making a very risky promise here? If this fails, you're dead. And I will be forced to be married to a random old man official that will suppress my independence as a woman."**

 **"Whhaaat...? No... Of course it will work... Yeah... Why is Laura Bailey talking to me...? Not that there's anything wrong with that..."**

 **"Who's Laura Bailey?"**

 **"Ahahaha, that's cute. Pretending... Where are my Cheez-Its?"**

 **"Here you go, sir." A random soldier gives Zhuge Liang a small figurine of Jesus Christ. He angrily waves the figure at him yelling,"I said Cheez-Its! Not Jesus!"**

 **"Sorry, sir! Crap, I need to go to Walmart again!" The soldier runs off and Zhuge Liang trudges off to sit at a bench. Above him was a lamp post that had a few burning mushrooms inside of it. Its smoke flies over to where Zhuge Liang was and he inhales it to get even more high.**

 **"Oh my god, the stars are so f*bleep*ing beautiful...I can just touch Orion's star penis from 'ere..." Zhou Yu snickers from behind a bush near the bench and sneaks off.**

 ***Hispanic accent from now on* "Alright, man. I rigged these boats full of the most illegal Mexican and Chinese fireworks I could find. Don't ask where I got them or you will get shanked." said Gan Ning. He then mutters to himself,"And 500 kilos of crack."**

 **"Well, I simply asked for oil and some torches, but this is good enough." Zhou Yu said. "Alright, Huang Gai. Hop in."**

 **"This doesn't look very safe..." Huang Gai says worryingly as he examines the firework-covered boats.**

 **"Be glad we're even using an old hunk of mass like you when most of the cast is a pretty boy."**

 **"You're right, I could have gotten the Han Dang treatment."**

 **"Who?"**

 **"Eh, let's just jam a few soldiers into the boats and let's get going."**

 **Nightfall happens and the Wei officers finally stand up from the constant waiting. The blockcade is removed to let everyone out into battle. Cao Cao runs across ships along with Xiahou Dun and Xun Yu.**

 **"Sir, I don't think you should be wandering around here!" calls out Xun Yu.**

 **"Why not?"**

 **"Well, there are some ships coming this way covered in illegal fireworks!" yells Xiahou Dun as he points to a fleet of small boats coming towards where they were.**

 **"Oh, come on... Those two are honestly hosting a fireworks show at this time of the year? It's not even New Year's yet!"**

 **On those firework ships, Huang Gai was in the front and lights a match to toss it onto the boat to set it on fire. The other boats have Gan Ning, Ling Tong, and Han Dang do the same thing.**

 **"Ay, the ships are gonna be hot like tamales! Hehehe!" yells out Gan Ning.**

 ***Spanish accent* "No, it will as hot as the burning passion I have for fighting and burning hatred of YOU." says Ling Tong.**

 ***American Southern accent* "This is why we need to close our borders! Our state used to be pure before these freak shows came in!" angrily said Han Dang. Huang Gai laughs while saying,"Your racist views are lightly taken because of your charming accent... And maybe that's why you have little screentime."**

 **When the ships hit Cao Cao's fleet, everyone jumps off and onto the ships. Zhou Yu observes from his own fleet through a pair of binoculars and looks up at the cliff with the altar set up. He sees Zhuge Liang sitting in his new attire eating handfuls of Cheez-Its.**

 **"Hehehehe... "**

 **Lu Su calls out to him,"There are some mean looking officers coming here!"**

 **"You take care of them. Just let me watch Zhuge Liang fail hard in this..."**

 **At the altar, Zhuge Liang mumbles random words and flaps his fan rapidly in the direction of Cao Cao's fleet.**

 **"River... Jump...Lynx... Geno... Balls... Blue... Cheese... Goat...Yahoo... Water... Drag queen... Laura Bailey... ... Up... Up... Down... Down... Left... Right... Left... Right... B... A..." The altar glows and large gusts of wind blow towards the Cao Cao fleet to spread the fire. The damages were worsened as the ships were chained together.**

 **"Sir, it seems someone chained the ships together." pointed out Xun Yu.**

 **"Hey, where's the new recruit?" asked Cao Cao.**

 **"The one in purple?" suggests Xiahou Dun.**

 **"No, the one with the large hat and always covers his mouth." Xun Yu says simply to him,"...Oh dear. I think he just pulled something on us..."**

 **"I knew it! That Mexican ninja was shady from the start! This is why you need to do interviews and not just let strangers in willy-nilly!" yells Xiahou Dun.**

 **"Mother of god..." Cao Cao shakes his fist at the air. "Damn you, Mexican Ninja! You and your Mexican-ness with a mix of Japanese!"**

 **"My job here is done." said Pang Tong as he takes his hat to fly away from the burning ships. Mexican music with a mix of Japanese pop plays in the background and a random explosion happens behind him for dramatic effect.**

 **"There goes my month's paycheck..." Sima Yi watches the ships burn from the mountain area of the stage map. "Wait, how did I get here? I started following the woman in the tight dress that showed off her buttock outlines and... Huh..." He sees the altar and goes towards it to bump into Sun Shang Xiang and Liu Bei. She yells out,"You came to the wrong side of the map, motherf*bleep*er!"**

 **"Yeah! Wrong side! Of the map!"**

 **"Oh god, you're awful. Just let me do the talking!"**

 **"Okaaaay... I stumbled upon something I shouldn't see... Like when I walked in my father and mother having sex..."**

 **"Too late! You have to fight!"**

 **"Now, let's not get too hasty here..."**

 **"EXP and Gold!" Sima Yi is pushed out of the way as Yue Jin speeds by and knocks Liu Bei and Sun Shang Xiang into the air.**

 **"Well, that's one way..." He enters the altar area and sees Zhuge Liang sleeping while standing. He looks around and shrugs.**

 **"Halt! To get to Zhuge Liang, you have to through me!" Yue Ying steps in his way and is prepared to fight.**

 **"Yay...Wait a minute, can you talk again?"**

 **"What? Talk? Um... Halt, fiend?"**

 **"Oh my f*EFF!*ing god. You're Laura Bailey. Can I have some of your panties?"**

 **"Why does everyone keep calling me that? And NO!"**

 **"Mmrgh?" Zhuge Liang snorts before opening his eyes to question his clothes and everything. "What am I wearing? Where am I? Who's this? Yue Ying, I thought you were above male prostitutes."**

 **"I'm not a male prostitute." said Sima Yi. He mutters to himself,"Though... I would become one if more women were in this country..."**

 **"Zhuge Liang, you set all of this up. Don't you remember?"**

 **"No. Ugh, what is awful taste in my mouth? It tastes like spoiled milk turned cracker!"**

 **"You ordered for you to have Cheez-Its."**

 **"Ugh, Cheez-Its are disgusting! I prefer Goldfish crackers over that s*bleep*!"**

 **"Huh... Well, this is awkward. I'm gonna go." Sima Yi turns around to leave, but Zhuge Liang says to him,** **"Hm? Wait a minute... I think I heard your voice somewhere before..."**

* * *

 **Zhuge Liang is wearing a headset while looking at his computer screen in anger.**

 **"Damn it! I had that and he-Ggh! Piece of s*bleep!"**

 **The headset has a familar voice taunting him. "Hahahahahaha! What's wrong? Can't handle a little death?"**

 **"You kill me every chance you get! Go attack the others!"**

 **"But you are SO killable! I just have to go after you! Hahaha! I'm sorry you stink at running! Or defending! Or just playing the game at all!"**

 **"Grrr!"**

* * *

 **"Ooohhhh... I get it... You're that player that I keep killing back when I played League of Legends. Ohhhh-hohohoh... Oh my god! I never thought I would meet the noob in there! Hahahaha!" Sima Yi laughs loudly at Zhuge Liang.**

 **"YOU were that person who kept taunting me?!"**

 **"Yeah! Such a small world for the two of us to meet! Hahaha!"**

 **Back down where Zhou Yu was, he hangs his head in shame.**

 **"I can't believe it... I can't f*bleep*ing believe it... He actually did it... That little bastard actually did it... "**

 **"Um, Zhou Yu? I'm getting overwhelmed here!" yells Lu Su fending off Xu Huang, Zhang He, and Zhang Liao.**

 **"Nrragh... I owe Sun Quan a lot of money after this..." When he looks back up, he sees the altar and a purple figure falling off it to plop into the water below.**

 **Loud static fills Zhang Liao's ears as the speech log appears below.**

Cao Cao: It is too dangerous here! We have to escape! Let those two losers win! I didn't even want their land! It's all hot and humid and disgusting... I prefer the cold snowy nights back up at home!

 **"Hmph. Looks like we hae to go. Forget about Tom Selleck and let's go."**

 **Cao Cao runs through the mountain area with his officers when Sun Quan along with his army are chasing him. Ahead was Liu Bei appearing out of nowhere. He looks around confused,"Huh? I'm back here... What am I-Grah!"**

 **"Out of the way, dickweed!" Cao Cao pushes him away, leaving Liu Bei to get run over by officers along with Sun Quan and his soldiers.**

 **"I think we lost them! We're home free-Oh s*bleep*" He sees Guan Yu blocking the escape route. "No,no,no! This cannot be happening!" He stops just a few feet from him and notices he was asleep as he was standing.**

 **"Oh... Well, we can just push him out of the way, right?" Cao Cao goes over and attempts to push Guan Yu out of the way when a message box pops up near him.**

A sleeping heavily sun-burnt deity figure blocks the way.

 **"Come on!" He pushes more, but the same box appears.**

Stop it, idiot. The path is blocked!

 **"Well, what am I supposed do now?"**

 **"I have a MusouFlute." says Zhen Ji, holding up a flute with a familiar red and white ball built in it.**

 **"Well, use it!" Zhen Ji plays her flute and Guan Yu wakes up to see everyone standing in front of him.**

 **"Ah-ha! Now I must-"**

 **"Hurry up and overrun him!" The officers bundle up together to knock down Guan Yu and run ahead through the escape point.**

* * *

 **[Of course Zhuge Liang used the Konami Code.]**

* * *

 **"Ahhhh!" Zhen Ji shrieks and she yells out,"Someone's groping my ass!" She turns her head to see Sima Yi invading her personal space.**

 **"Sorry, my hand tends to do that."**

 **"I'm filing a sexual harassment report on you!"**

 **"Well, sorry. My wife's ass and your ass look the same. And its the same shade of purple also. Though... my wife's is a bit firmer."**

 **"If you love your wife so much, why don't you marry her?" She said in a mocking voice.**

 **"...You should listen to yourself about that sentence."**

 **"...S*bleep*."**


	7. Journey to the West

_**Cao Cao lost that fateful day a** **nd suffered major** **causalities as well. Because of his hatred of those who caused his defeat, he banned Taco Bell in Northern China and the ban is still in place today. Not that big of a deal back then because the people didn't even like Mexican food. Cao Cao went on hiatus from conquering land to recover from that defeat. Liu Bei goes back home just flipping all the middle fingers possible in Cao Cao's empire's direction. Though he didn't really do much. This causes Sun Quan to rethink about Liu Bei, but things were happening and didn't come up with a conclusion yet since he was also very confident after Cao Cao was defeated. Because of his state's confidence, they just decided to kick the army when it was down when they invaded Nanjun. Also, Zhou Yu is getting sick for some reason.**_

 **Zhou Yu is walking in his camp with Lu Su when he suddenly buckles down holding his chest.**

 **"Urrgh!"**

 **"What's wrong? Are you having a heart attack? At this age-Actually, many of us died young, so maybe this isn't that much of a surprise..."**

 **"Oh no... I think I may not have much time left..."**

 **"And since when did you get sick? And what you have?"**

 **"I don't know... The plot demands to be advanced, thus I have to die..."**

 **"But what do you have?"**

 **"Sudden Plot Illness."**

 **"Or you just have heart disease. Or cancer."**

 **"When I die after this stage, you are to be the main smart guy. And make sure Lu Xun stays in the closet."**

 **"Why do you have a teenage boy in your closet anyway?"**

 **"... Huh. Never thought it would sound like that... Take him out and stuff him into a box. That sounds better and less out-of-context."**

 **"Now what?"**

 **"Let's just ignore this and go about on with the Nanjun stage."**

 **The two go out into the field and see Liu Bei and Zhuge Liang running ahead of them.**

 **"Ah, let us take our time while those losers take care of the work for us."**

 **"Okay, let's go past these guys here and head to the escape route to go house shopping." says Liu Bei.**

 **"Sir, the house market is in shambles this year. How in the world are you getting a house with your non-existent salary?" Zhuge Liang points out to him.**

 **"I make money! Off of Zhao Yun's publicity stunts and selling heavily sun-burnt deity figures in the name of Buddhism."**

 **"Heh, no one is Buddhist. Even myself. I'm Taoist."**

 **"You worship Cao Cao?!"**

 **"No. Tao. Not Tsao. Whatever. And how are you getting a house? I personally think the home you have right now is comfortable-"**

 **"I want my own place! Not mooching off of someone like if they were my parents! And they're dead."**

 **"What? You found a classified ad in the Wu York Times for an apartment for sale?"**

 **"Even better. I decided to go over to my... uh... brother? No... Uncle? No... Relative. He will take me in since we have the same family name."**

 **"What about what you said about-"**

 **"Alright, bye! Have fun kicking the Wei forces' butt again!"**

 **Liu Bei has withdrawn!**

 **Zhou Yu stands there with a blank face until he coughs loudly and spits out blood.**

 **"F*bleep*! I bit my tongue when I needed to grit my teeth!"**

 **"So, what's the plan?"**

 **"Well-"**

 **Gan Ning: Ay-yi-yi-yi! Dios mio! I'm surrounded by an Arab, a French fry, and a gay clown! Somebody help me! Get away! You all will get shanked!**

 **"Okay... We have to save Gan Ning... I was perfectly fine with leaving here to die-"**

 **"I like his tamales! Of course we have to save him!" Lu Su runs ahead with Zhou Yu following after reluctantly.**

 **They get to the building with Gan Ning inside along with Xu Huang, Zhang He, and Zhang Liao.**

 **"Stop right there! You have to go through us!" announces Lu Su.**

 **"Go through him mostly. I'm just dragged in by him." quickly adds Zhou Yu.**

 **"Hey, I was taking care of these guys! Stealing my XP and gold..." says Lu Meng.**

 **"Oh, you exist. Right, right. I'm almost dying and... Yup... It has to be this way. Koff..."**

 ***** **Egyptian accent* "Jaghshimesh! I now have ridiculous accent in order to make me more interesting when I get screentime! The author can't make up mind!" Xu Huang yells out randomly.**

 **"Hmph, I'm called French fry, but I don't seem to have an accent..." said Zhang Liao.**

 **"Oh you will! Be prepared to say, 'Ohhonhonhnhonhobaguette'!"**

 **"And I get 'gay clown'... No fair. I'd rather have an offensive accent than this." says Zhang He.**

 **"What about those Chinese accents?" asks Zhang Liao.**

 **"Oh god, nevermind. It would never work out. Just. Ugh. We all can speak English fluently, we don't need that stereotypical s*bleep*. Next time, it will be one of us suddenly owning a laundromat."**

 **"You look like you could use a sleazy hooker voice to me."**

 ***Sleazy hooker voice* "Oh, don't give the author a suggestion! Oh f*bleep*! Look at what you'd done! I sound horrible! Like those people who talk through their throat holes in anti-smoking PSA's!"**

 **"Alright, let's just kick those three's asses out of here while they're distracted."**

 **Zhou Yu, Lu Su, Gan Ning, and Lu Meng charge ahead to whack those three off the map. Xu Huang screeches as he flies off,"You filthy Jeeeeeeewwwwws!" Zhang He and Zhang Liao yell at him,"No one's Jewish heeeeere!"**

 **Zhou Yu is about to collapse, but manages to catch himself using his staff.**

 **"Ugh!"**

 **"Sir! You are not well enough to continue!"**

 **"No... I must go and make sure we finish our mission. Use me as a decoy by saying I'm almost dying... They'll rush over here to get the kill and the gold from my death."**

 **"So like every MOBA ever? It seems your hours of DOTA have paid off."**

 **"Life well spent. Commence the plan."**

 **Zhou Yu limps around in an empty camp site trying to seem hurt.**

 **"Come on... I'm almost dying here... I'm at twenty percent health!"**

 **Li Dian: Ooh! Looks like there is 500 gold with my name on it! I'm gonna go before someone else come by and swoops up the kill!**

 **"Got him! Lu Su! Get ready!"**

 **"Got it." Lu Su takes out a sniper rifle and waits for Li Dian while hiding up on the cliff above.**

 **"Wait, wait. That's not-Sure. You can do that, it's not like Cao Cao's going to miss him." Zhou Yu runs out and taunts Li Dian coming for him.**

 **"Hey! Hey! Over here! I'm dying!" Zhou Yu then turns around to run with a limp to make it more believable. Lu Su looks through the crosshairs of his rifle and aims for Li Dian's head. He shoots, killing Li Dian in one shot. A header of a skull and crossbones appears over him with a deep-voiced announcing his kill.**

 _ **HEADSHOT**_

 **"Okay, now go snipe those lookers on top of those towers. You know what? Just destroy the towers." ordered Zhou Yu.**

 **"I don't think I could make it..."**

 **"Try it! I order you!"**

 **"Fine, we need to get closer then."**

 **In the part of the stage with those towers and spotters on top of them, Lu Su aims his rifle at the first one and hits the looker in one shot. The dying soldier falls off the tower while screaming the Wilhelm scream. The other lookers on other towers look over and see Zhou Yu and Lu Su.**

 **"Well, s*bleep*."**

 **"Run!"**

 **A rain of arrows fell upon them as they ran through the dirt path towards a camp that was next to the Wei main camp. Zhang He and Xiahou Yuan appear to greet them.**

 **"I finally make an appearance after Chapter one!"**

 **"That's because you questioned our ability to speak English fluently. You needed to be punished under the laws of the fourth wall."**

 **"Crap, crap, crap-Ggh! Plogh!" Zhou Yu coughs loudly and spits blood. "I bit my tongue again!"**

 **"Nothing's going right! S*bleep*!"**

 **"It's okay. It's okay. We just need to defeat the Odd Couple here and get to Cao Ren. Hopefully, I will get to live long enough to actually get to the next stage."**

 **"Very well." They run towards Zhang He and Xiahou Yuan to clash weapons.**

 **"Where do you you're going?"**

 **"Move it, fatty!" Zhou Yu jabs Xiahou Yuan in the stomach and kicks his leg. He brings down his staff onto his head, a loud crack being made.**

 **"Ow! F*bleep*! I thought you were sick!"**

 **"I am sick! I am one sick puppy! Want another bash to expose your brains?" Zhou Yu was grinning manically with his staff having some blood on the tip.**

 **"Uhhh... You know what? Maybe it's not worth it. Good bye!"**

 **Xiahou Yuan has been defeated by Zhou Yu!**

 **"Time to finish off the other guy!"**

 **Zhang He turns away from Lu Su and goes towards Zhou Yu.**

 **"Maybe I should just kill you while you're almost dying!"**

 **"Ha! Take this!" A cloud suddenly appears under Zhou Yu and it takes him flying above Zhang He's head. Zhou Yu whacks Zhang He's head as he flies from side to side of him.**

 **"Ha! I'm over here! Now I'm over here! Haha!"**

 **"Ugh! This doesn't make any sense!"**

 **"It doesn't have to, I'm beautiful!"**

 **"Ow! Stop! Ugh!" His health reaches zero and he falls down defeated. Zhou Yu keeps the cloud and flies towards the enemy main camp. Lu Su calls out to him as he runs after the cloud,"Hey! Can I have a ride?"**

 **"No. You're the pig. You don't get a flying cloud."**

 **"But that would make you the monkey..."**

 **"That's right. I am the Handsome Monkey King!"**

 **"Oh god, we're doing a Journey to the West reference. That's basically every filler episode of anime ever."**

 **"Haha, first!" Zhou Yu zips into the enemy camp and extends his staff to let it hit Cao Ren in the face when he zoomed by. Cao Ren is knocked down from the force and is unable to get up. He wobbles on his back like a turtle.**

 **'I cannot get up! Ah! Damn my stubby size!"**

 **"Looks like we win. I claim this in the name of the Monkey King!"**

 **"Ahem!"**

 **Zhou Yu turns to his side to see the real Sun Wukong (Koei version) floating on a cloud next to him. He takes out his staff and hits Zhou Yu hard to get him off his cloud.**

 **"The real Monkey King is here! I'll be taking this back and no more Journey to the West references from now on or I'll snap your neck. I'm sick of those." Sun Wukong disappears in a loud poof, leaving Zhou Yu to be lying on the ground near the still struggling Cao Ren. He points and laughs,"Haha."**

 **"Shut it." Zhou Yu gets up from the ground and gives Cao Ren a hard kick that sends him flying off like a hockey puck. "Okay! We won! F*bleep*! Koff koff kofff!" He begins to loudly cough and falls down to his knees.**

 **"Lu Su! Get over here!" Lu Su rushes over to Zhou Yu while trying to help him stand up.**

 **"You exhausted yourself this whole time! Your condition is worse than before! Annnnd here come the fanfictions about you and I..."**

 **"That doesn't matter right now! My insides are on fire! Anyway... I will leave you with these words-"**

 **"Hey! It's over already? Aw man, I took the long way up here!" exclaims Lu Meng as he was running towards them with Gan Ning in tow.**

 **"We fought Hitler!" comments Gan Ning.**

 **"That was NOT Hitler! He just had a strange German accent, that's all."**

 **"Yeah, Hitler."**

 **"Uggh. Anyway, what's going on? You're dying already?"**

 **Zhou Yu narrows his eyes and says in a deadpan voice,"Oh yes, I'm kneeling here pale as f*bleep* and I was about to have a heart-to-heart conversation with Lu Su here."**

 **"Ooh, can I listen?"**

 **"... Lu Su, make sure you don't suck Liu Bei's dick when you become in charge. At least suck a dick on the correct side."**

 **"...Um... Okay?"  
**

 **"Seriously, do not be all 'that fun uncle' on him. He is dangerous. Do NOT be nice to him. Nor Zhuge Liang."**

 **"Why him?"  
**

 **"Because he's a dick."**

 **"He wasn't to me."**

 **"You played League of Legends, of course he was nice to you."**

 **"Oh. Huh."**

 **"You hear me? Now finish my mission to making this the Two Kingdoms Era."**

 **"That sounds awful."**

 **"It's practical! You came up with it with me!"**

 **"Well, I just thought up the part where it involves obliterating someone with fire ships and a Mexican ninja."**

 **"Anyway, I must go. I have to be with-"**

 **"Sun Ce?"**

 **"Er-Uh-What? Wait a minute, you thought I was gay?"**

 **"You weren't? Huh, that explains why you ignored my advances."**

 **"WHAT?" Zhou Yu coughs loudly and spits out blood. "Ahhh! Huu... Ugggh..." He falls down to the ground and stops moving.**

 **"Yeah, he's dead."**

 **"You made advances on him...?" questions Lu Meng."**

 **"No, I was kidding."**

 **"...You killed him, then."**

 **"...Uh... Really? Oh s*bleep*."**

 ** _Zhou Yu passed away after the battle and left his final words to his assistant/apprentice, Lu Su. At least he still looked fabulous on his deathbed. He'll make a pretty zombie once the apocalypse approaches. Meanwhile, Liu Bei and friends are already skipping to the other side of the country to go meet with Liu Bei's father/cousin/brother/uncle person with the secret intentions of mooching off of him until he dies._**

 **Liu Zhang looks at Liu Bei and tilts his head. He was also doing this towards Zhang Fei, Guan Yu, Zhao Yun, and Zhuge Liang.**

 **"So... All of you guys are my long-lost sons?"**

 **"Yes, we used to track down a living relative and it all came up with you."**

 **"Oh... Okay... What do you want?"**

 **"I want a place to stay. I have been kicked out by my previous landlord to go out and beg on the streets."**

 **"Sure, sure."**

 **"I also learned from Ancestry that I'm the Emperor's uncle."**

 **"Bulls*bleep*."**

 **"It's true!"**

 **"Where's your birth certification?"**

 **"Why would I have that?"**

 **"Look, I'll give you guys rooms and-" Next to Liu Zhang, is Fa Zheng leaning in to whisper to his ear. "Oh. Really? Huh. You're fast. Okay, you guys are getting the five-star package. Fa Mulan, go lead them-" Fa Zheng angrily responds,"My name is Zheng!"**

 **"Sorry, I liked the movie, so I keep thinking every Fa is Mulan."**

 **"Huff... Right this way." Fa Zheng guides Liu Bei and others to a hallway of rooms.**

 **"Hm, you don't look like those guys we passed earlier." comments Liu Bei. "Are you an important character?"**

 ***Stereotypical Chinese accent* "What character? I no important character."**

 **"Stop that, you're demeaning your own race. And everyone here has the English of an American or British person, so cut it out." Fa Zheng reverts his voice back to his original,"Oh fine. It was worth a shot."**

 **"Ooh, you have a voice like Chocolate Rain! Sing Chocolate Rain!"**

 **"No."**

 **"Aw, refused by Chocolate Rain!"**

 **"Mmm... chocolate..." Zhang Fei drools at the mouth and Zhuge Liang uses his fan to cover his face in disgust. Zhao Yun says to Guan Yu,"I swear, this guy is just me with a killer tan."**

 **"But can he beat MY killer tan? Huh? I also have a giant beard. He doesn't, so I win."**

 **"Your tan is deadly in terms with health. God, see a doctor!"**

 **"See? I beat him by a hair. Make that many hairs as you can see with my beard."**

 **"How is skin that red?! Put some aloe vera on that!"**

 **"You know who else I beat? You. I'm in more games than you."**

 **"We are both in the same series."**

 **"No, I'm in SMITE." Guan Yu holds up a placard with SMITE on it and his appearance in that game. He quickly whispers,"Support the official release."**

 **"Dad, how long is this going to take?" Guan Ping is behind Guan Yu and he responds,"Give it more time. Go wait in the car."**

 **"It's hot in the car."**

 **"Then let that heat burn you into having skin like yours truly! Also, get a beard."**

 **"I'm adopted, I don't think I have the gene for that..."**

 **"WHO TOLD YOU?"**

 **"Come on, we don't look the same. It's obvious."**

 **"Well, looks like someone's not getting ice cream!"**

 **"I don't care." Guan Ping walks off and Guan Yu mutters,"Teenagers..."**

 **Fa Zheng begins by clearing his throat and says,"Well, have a nice stay here in our kingdom."**

 **"Wait, wait. I have more people."**

 **"What...? Gee, are you trying to stage a-Huh. Not a bad idea."**

 **"What?"**

 **"Well, I was thinking about using you to overthrow my old master and let you take this kingdom as your own, but that might be just fool's talk-Agh!" Liu Bei takes Fa Zheng by the shoulders and gives him a dark stare.**

 **"Say... that... again..."**

 **"Overthrowing your cousin/father/uncle/brother relative to take this kingdom for your own?"**

 **"I f*bleep*ing love you right now."**

 **"Ew. I don't date homeless people."**

 **"I won't be once I do what you just suggested!" He puts Fa Zheng in a headlock with one arm, much to Fa Zheng's dismay, and extends his arm in triumph. "Together, we will destroy mountains!"**

 **"No thank you, I prefer destroying people. They make a nicer mess. But, if that's what you'd like, sure. I'm tasked with giving you people a pleasant stay."**

 **"I will make you my top strategist once we take over!" Zhuge Liang cracks his fan's handle from clutching it too hard and mouths the f word while glaring at Fa Zheng.**

* * *

 **[I remember Chocolate Rain in the form of Fa Zheng's voice.]**

* * *

 **Xiao Qiao is by Zhou Yu's body lying in a coffin and was bawling her eyes out. Lu Su takes out a mop to clean up the tears that poured onto the floor.**

 **"And I just hit puberty! My boobs came in! Now who else will I have my first time with...?" Lu Su stops mopping and looks around. He approaches Xiao Qiao and says,"Well, your husband said to take care of you, and I am lead strategist now. Maybe I could be of assistance."**

 **"Sorry, I never liked Magnum P.I."**

 **"...I'm saying-"**

 **"Look, you're not my type."**

 **"Oh. Huh. Okay..." Lu Su is about to go back to mopping, but Xiao Qiao calls out,"Wait! Shave off the beard and we'll talk."**

 **"Okay!"**


	8. Game of Thrones for Handsome People

**_Somewhere up North, these guys in furry bodysuits were starting to become a pain in the butt for Cao Cao as he hated furries. These include the Ma family, known for their erotic fixation for horses. Just look at their family name. It's 'horse' in Chinese. Do not go tattooing that character to your body because you'll look stupid. He killed Ma Teng, the leader of the family to send a message to all furries, but they simply staged a rebellion on him. In order to escape the furries' reign of terror, a woman joins the empire because she had grown traumatized with the Bronies up north. She still has a long way to go to fully recover from the furry and My Little Pony porn._**

 **"Oh my god. There's another vagina in here." Cao Cao says shockingly while standing in front of Wang Yi. Jia Xu whistles and whispers,"Man, Guo Jia is so going to be SO pissed when he learns about this-Oh right, he's dead. I forgot that. S*bleep*."**

 **"I know. Oh well, another person to add to-"**

 **"No. F*bleep* no. Let some of us get a chance to pass down genetics."**

 **"Aw, fine. So, what's your name, sweetie?"**

 ***Russian accent* "Name is Wang Yi. I come from North. Please do not send me back to horse fetish people. They killed my family. I only have husband left."**

 **"Oh my god! Then they really must be stopped! Don't worry, we are a Bronie-free zone!"**

 **"Well, there's-" Cao Cao slaps a piece of duct tape over Jia Xu's mouth and kicks him away.**

 **"Bronie-free zone! So, what would you like for us to do to them?"**

 **"I want to kill them with my own hands."**

 **"Ooh, dark one. I like that."**

 **"Mm-mough." (Me too.) Jia Xu's words were muffled with the tape over his mouth.**

 **"Where do I go?"**

 **"Well... You can anywhere you want as long you can defeat the enemy commander-You can follow Jia Xu."**

 **"I want to gouge that monster's eyes out and feed it to his horse. Then kill his horse too after it has eaten it."**

 **"That's the spirit! That kind of attitude is why I have successful invasions!" Wang Yi's eyes glow red and speaks in a demonic voice,"I will crush the bones of his dead body into a powder and mix it into a drink and force his kin to drink it."**

 **"Yeah! Alright! We got a war here! Yeah! I f*bleep*in' love you right now!"**

 **She returns to normal,"I can never love again."**

 **"Aw, that's a shame." Jia Xu quickly gets up and rips off the tape off his mouth with a loud yelp.**

 **"Sir, I think she's not stable-"**

 **"Okay! Let's go! Time's a tickin'!"**

 **"But-!"**

 **"Have fun, you two!" Cao Cao waves as he leaves Jia Xu with Wang Yi. Jia Xu looks at Wang Yi and begins,"So, which way do you want to go? Remember: there are no rest stops for a lady like you to take care of... business..."**

 **"Wherever is horse monster man is at, I will go to him. And kill him in the most gore way possible."**

 **"Ahahaha... You are starting to scare me now..."**

 **"I first need daily dose of strong vodka before we go." She holds up a giant white bottle.**

 **"Oh s*bleep*..."**

 **Cao Cao is talking with a generic officer with 'Han Sui' over his head.**

 **"Hello, old friend! Remember meeee? We were best friends one time! Don't you love how I'm friends with practically everyone when the plot demands it?"**

 **"Well, well. If it isn't Cao Cao. I sort of remember you."**

 **"Say whaaat? No way! I gave you money!"**

 **"Huh, really?"**

 **"I helped your elderly mother cross the street, paid for your blind sister's surgery, and saved your pet cat from the evil tree!"**

 **"Wow... I guess I owe you for a lot-Wait a minute! I am loyal to the Ma family! I will not be easily swayed by your honeyed words!"**

 **"You align with furries?!"**

 **"They are misunderstood! It's people like you who give Bronies a bad rap!"**

 **"It's because they're people who fap to horses made for six year-olds!"**

 **"Hmph... Well... I guess Ma Chao's horse does disturb me a little..."**

 **"What?"**

 **"Well, you see... His horse is unusually blue and has a rainbow mane... And I've seen him..." Han Sui gulps while looking green. "...f*bleep* the horse..."**

 **"Oh dear god! It's worse than I thought!"**

 **"Forget it! I'm going over to your side! I just realize how disgusting they are!"**

 **"Great! We have a deal!"**

 **"This cannot be! He defected to the non-believers!" yells out Ma Chao in anger. He beats his fists into the ground before quickly hitching a ride on his blue horse with rainbow mane.**

 **"We charge, Rainbow Dash!"**

 **"Attention, sir! My helmet has sensed Han Sui of defecting!" announces Pang De in a loud announcer-like voice.**

 **"I know that! You were a few seconds late!" angrily replies Ma Chao.**

 **"Attention, sir! My helmet will go out to fight the intruders!"**

 **"Yeah, yeah...Fine. Bye."**

 **"Attention, my helmet is leaving!"**

 **"Yes!" Pang De rushes out of the camp site and Ma Chao groans while rubbing his temples. He yells at Ma Dai sitting at a corner,"Get going! Stop drawing Five Nights at Freddy's Rule 34 fanart!"**

 **"I have to keep my Deviantart account active!"  
**

 **"You can do that after this! Hm?"**

 **Wang Yi has defeated Pang De!**

 **"Huh? Who? And he lost?!"**

 **Pang De: Attention, warriors! My helmet is retreating for now!**

 **"We get it!"**

 **"FOR MOTHER RUUUUSSSSIAAAA!" yells out a drunken Wang Yi as she leaps high over the camp walls and towards Ma Chao, her twin giant pitchforks ready.**

 **"Oh my god, a communist!" yells out Ma Chao. "Those people are considered lower than us!"**

 **"Nrrrrragggh!" Wang Yi misses and stabs the horse instead, killing it. When the horse falls, Ma Chao tumbles down along with it.**

 **Over on the outer edges of the map, Jia Xu was staring at a heavily decomposed body nailed onto a cross. Its skull had its eyes gouged out and there were strands of dirty yellowish hair left on the head. The clothing it was wearing were heavily torn up, but it could be made out that they were the fancy kind.**

 **"Huh... This fellow had poor sense in fashion before he died... Oh well. I should be checking up on Wang Yi. She chugged down that bottle like a champ."**

 **"Nooooooo! You bitch! You will pay for what you have done to Rainbow Dash! Arrrrragggh!" Ma Chao pulls out his spear and charges towards Wang Yi and the two clash as Ma Dai scribbles quickly on a giant pad while simultaneously watching the fight.**

 **"This will earn me reblogs on Tumblr."**

 **"Stop drawing and help me kill her!" yells Ma Chao.**

 **"I'm sorry, I'm in the process of being inspired right now."**

 **"Hahahaha! You stupid stupid people is crumbling apart-*belch*! Little little man... You can't win-*belch*!"**

 **"Oh god, your breath is horrible!"**

 **"That is whole bottle of...Hahaha! Blllurgh! You smell bad too..." Ma Dai runs in between them and holds up his sketchbook showing a drawing that was censored out by mosaics, causing Wang Yi to yell out hysterically and back away from Ma Chao. Ma Chao was unaffected by the drawing and he encourages Ma Dai,"Yeah! Show her more stuff! How about that art with the two chickens and a cupcake?"**

 **"It's not a chicken!"**

 **"Uh, yeah it is. It's yellow and has a beak. It's a chicken."**

 **Wang Yi covers her eyes and stumbles backwards. She removes her hands to reveal her eyes were bleeding.**

 **"...No... Uggh... So... horrible..."**

 **"Let's finish her!" Ma Chao takes advantage of Wang Yi and charges towards her, but his spear was blocked by a giant mace.**

 **"Attention, Brony! My helmet has defected!" announces Pang De.**

 **"What?! Grrr...! How could you?!"**

 **"I don't even like animals! I prefer humans, thanks!"**

 **"Fine! I hated you anyway! You and your stupid helmet can go to Hell!"**

 **"You did not just diss the helmet!" Pang De's helmet had its eyes glow red and it talks in a demonic voice,"YOUR MOM PLAYS DYNASTY WARRIORS IN HELL!" The helmet pounces off of Pang De and onto Ma Chao's face and loud shearing noises is being made as Ma Chao stumbles off-camera.**

 **"Retreat! Retreat!" Ma Dai rides a giant wolf that was summoned out of his sketchbook and grabs Ma Chao to go with him. He manages to rip off the helmet and throws it away. The helmet has legs sprout out to quickly scamper back onto Pang De's head. He approaches Wang Yi and asks in a booming voice,"Are you okay?!"**

 **"I'm fine... I'm fine..."**

 **"Okay! Let's go!"**

 **"Ow, ow, ow... Please talk with soft voice..."**

 **"I do not know what that means!**

 **"I will go alone."**

 **"I will follow you!"**

 **"No. Please stay fifty meters from me."**

 _ **Ma Chao and his fellow furries and Bronies retreated from Tong Gate. Now, the Wei empire had obtained two new warriors. The heavily traumatized Wang Yi and the big burly Pang De. Dear God, how tall is he? He's taller than the average height back then! Oh, why am I questioning this series for height? This was just about as much action that Cao Cao was willing to give before going on hiatus again. The same year, the future *spoiler* of Wei is born.**_

 **Sima Yi rests his head on a table as the young Sima Shi next to him plays with the hair sprawled out on the surface.**

 **"Daddy, why do you have long hair?"**

 **"Every man has long hair in this era. Do you want me to have that bald except for a single braid style that our descendants will wear? Ugh, the Qing dynasty was a disappointment..."**

 **"Good point."**

 **Zhang Chunhua finds him there and asks,"Why aren't you at work?"**

 **"Cao Cao is on hiatus, thus I'm out of an career as of the moment. I'm reduced to being a royal school teacher for the Cao children. The oldest one keeps spitting spitballs at even though he's literally in his twenties."**

 **"So you're still getting paid."**

 **"I don't know... Taking a spoiled brat's spitballs is not worth the money to me... He also keeps saying, 'Screw the rules! I have money!'. Oh well, I have a trump card up my sleeve. His name sounds like 'fart' in our language. I'll deploy it once he challenges me to a children's card game. Say, are you busy? Ah, you're a woman, of course not."**

 **"You don't need to say it that way..."**

 **"I want another heir. Drop your panties."**

 **"Your current heir is right there!"**

 **"But what if he dies of some cancer that will cause him to get surgery and die from the infection he inflicted on himself? I need a backup drive for my world domination plan."**

 **"Are you honestly planning to have sex right in front of your son?!"**

 **"He already knows about the birds and the bees."**

 **"No, he doesn't!"**

 **"Oh. Then that makes it all the better. Come on, you know want a piece of this."**

 **"I'll admit I like the fun part of the sex, but not what comes after it."**

 **"The baby?"**

 **"Yes! I don't like that part! It hurts!"**

 **"Don't think about it, then. Now, let's f*EFF!*."**

 **"At least let's go to a more secluded-"**

 **"Too late!"**

 **Sima Yi grins manically and leaps onto her from his chair to lead to a series of loud rough housing. Sima Shi looks over and asks,"Daddy? What are you doing to Mommy? Are you seeing who is stronger? I bet five dollars that Mom wins."**

 **"We're making you a baby brother."**

 **"But I don't want a brother...!"**

 **"Too bad. You're getting one whether you like it or not.** **Go to your room."**

 **Nine months later...**

 **"Why isn't the baby talking? Talk!" Sima Yi pokes his new child in the head as Zhang Chunhua holds it.**

 **"Stop that, you'll hurt him."**

 **"Why isn't he ordering for a nipple?! Did you bang someone else?!"**

 **"Oh, I remember. "**

 **"What?"**

 **"BABIES. DON'T. SPEAK."**

 **"Well, looks like someone's cranky from the missing hormones. Why doesn't the baby look like me? He has blonde hair!"**

 **"It's not blonde. It's a very light brown. Like mines."**

 **"The kid would rather take your genetics than my much more superior ones?! That's absurd!"**

 **"Wow, dickhead."**

 **"Ah, don't take it seriously. The kid is going to grow up to be a you with a penis, that's nice for me to think of next time I bang you."**

 **"That's if I am willing to-"**

 **"Don't deny it. You love sex as much as I do."**

 **"But I keep it in moderation."**

 **"What about that vibrator you have hidden in your nightstand?"**

 **"Shut the f*bleep* up or else I will show that vibrator down your throat."**

 **"Ooh, kinky. We should consider that for next time."**

 **"Anyway, how about a name for this child? I was thinking about Jiao."**

 **"Phhht! How about getting something with a Z?"**

 **"Zhang?"**

 **"That's your name! The front name, anyway..."**

 **"Zhi?"**

 **"No... Too short. Ah, how about Zhao?"**

 **"But that was the name I suggested first."**

 **"Zhao: It's Jiao, but pronounced with a Z."**

 **"I sort of like it... I don't know why..."**

 **"It will grant him access to any girl's vagina and make me many grandchildren."**

 **"Well... I don't think of it that way... Sure."**

 _ **Sima Yi popped out another kid within three years of his first one. He now has two backup drives for taking over the world. Too bad the first one will get infected and destroyed later. Back to Liu Bei being a living parasite to those around him, he uses his new best friend, Fa Zheng, to help him take over the kingdom. There are also a bunch of people that joined off scene.**_

 ***typical old person voice* "Where am I? Are we in Vegas?" Huang Zhong looks around in confusion while attempting to push things like if they were buttons. He presses a brown drawer. "I want my pudding! Give it to me, you dark thing! This is why we enslaved you!"**

 ***Australian accent* "Aye mate, there is no pudding in there. But, you can make pudding with the blood of vanquished enemies like so." Wei Yan produces a bowl of red glop to Huang Zhong and he takes it to eat.**

 **"Oh my god, this reminds me of Vietnam! I ate out of monkey's brains out of its to stay alive! And I LOVED it!"**

 **"Hehehehe, I do it twice a week, that's nothing! God bless the queen!"**

 **"Our master is a man! Meaning he has a penis! PENIS!"**

 **"But he looks very gay. So, queen."**

 **"Hello, gentleman and man." Fa Zheng says as he approaches the two with Pang Tong. "You ready to take over the kingdom? I will have this Mexican ninja scout ahead."**

 **"Who's he?"**

 **"Damn Mexicans! They come here and..." Huang Zhong is ignored and Fa Zheng explains,"He is a hired blade. Liu Bei hired him and forgot about him, so I will deploy him."**

 **"I have master every art of the way of Mexican ninja."**

 **"Like what?"**

 **"This." Pang Tong turns around and blows fire. "I call it the 'Tamale and Teriyaki Flame'."**

 **"Big whoop."**

 **"And this. My most devastating attack." Pang Tong stands there and Fa Zheng quickly puts on a gas mask. A loud fart noise is made and the area under Pang Tong lights fire that shoots outwards under everyone's feet. Wei Yan coughs loudly while holding his nose.**

 **"Dear god! What is that?! It smells like a gator s*bleep*ing all over a kangaroo as they mate!"**

 **"What was that? Is the Japanese invading us?!" yells Huang Zhong. "Oh no! I pooped my pants!"**

 **"That was the 'Taco Bell Triple Beef Quesarito Extreme and a Loco Taco' ass bomb."**

 **"F*bleep*! Arrgh! Oh god! I'm gonna puke!" Fa Zheng continues through his gas mask,"Now that we're all acquainted, let us go start the stage."**

 **"Arrrgh! Oh god! It went up my nose and I taste it! Uggggh!"**

 **"Where are we?! The gas chamber?! No, f*bleep* you, Hitler!"**

 **"You two will get used to it. Good day, gentlemen."**

 **Pang Tong is ahead of Wei Yan and Huang Zhong on the path towards a camp.**

 **"So we're really in Vietnam?! Beware the Viet Cong! They lurk within these trees! THE TREES!"**

 **"No, old man. We're not in Vietnam..."**

 **"Up ahead here." Pang Tong points to the camp they were getting close to. "Once we capture it, we'll -hgh!" An arrow implants itself into the side of his head and he collapses to the ground. Wei Yan rushes up to his body and shakes it.**

 **"Ehy! That hat didn't even protect you! I call bulls*bleep*!" Huang Zhong runs by flailing his arms about,"They're here! They're here! Get the flamethrowers! F*bleep* you, Vietnam!"**

 **"And he had such good character development! Despite barely showing up for two chapters! That was good character development!"**

 **"Ahhh! Die! Die! Die, communists!" yells Huang Zhong as he frantically shoots arrows all around him. "And I have a machine gun! Hohohohoho!"**

 **"Oh well, sacrifices had to be made and-" The Zhang Ren generic pops out from his hiding spot above,"Oh no... I thought it was Liu Bei... I should I gotten my glasses today..."**

 **"You are a dumb f*bleep* to think this guy was Liu Bei! Look at this corpse! It's stubby! Hello?!"**

 **"Sorry! I can't see well!"**

 **"Bulls*bleep*! I'm coming up there! See if you could see what I'm going to do to you!"**

 **Wei Yan runs to the camp and finds Zhang Ren to pounce onto him. A series of loud cutting and chopping sounds can be heard. Huang Zhong pumps his fist into the air encouraging him,"Yeah! Take down that gorilla like a champ!"**

 **"I think you mean guerrilla."**

 **"No, it was a gorilla!"**

 **"Whatever. Let's catch up to the queen."**

 **Liu Bei suddenly breaks down while in the middle of marching,"Noooooo! Mexican Ninja! Whhhhhhhy?!" Fa Zheng points out to him,"You barely even knew him. You even forgot him back at Chibi. I know because he told me and I listened. Unlike you here..."**

 **"Damn you, brother/cousin/uncle/father relative! I now hate you!"**

 **"But... you were the one who stormed in here and-"**

 **"Come on! We will make him pay!"**

 **"You're messed-up. And this is coming from a guy who LIKED the Human Centipede... on FaceScroll." Liu Bei ignores him as he marches off without him. Fa Zheng shakes his head as he follows behind slowly,"I am going to regret my decision to join him sooner or later..."**

 **"Where is Zhuge Liang? He was supposed to bring in some firepower for breaking down the gates."**

 **"I dunno... and I don't care..."**

 **"Ooh, what's the in the air? Is it a bird?"**

 **"I don't care..."**

 **"It's coming closer here and it's... pink...?"**

 **Liu Bei gets to the bridge leading to the castle and from above, Ma Chao on a pink horse falls from the sky and lands in front of him to block the way.**

 **"Oh my god! That was so cool!"**

 **"Stop, fiend! I will make sure you get served some cold hard justice!"**

 **"For what exactly?"**

 **"Um... You are trespassing!"**

 **"Liu Zhang has let me within these premises."**

 **"Really? Huh, I guess then it was a false alarm then... Alright, go-BAWWWGH!" A fireball hits him, sending him flying off the bridge and down below into the deep canyon below. Liu Bei turns to see that a juggarnaut with a smoking head. Fa Zheng throws up his arms making an unenthusiastic "whoohoo".**

 **"Yay, the man we didn't exactly need is here... Yay... What in the world took you so long?" Zhuge Liang walks out from behind a few juggarnauts with Yue Ying following behind. Both of them had messy hair and untidy clothing.**

 **"Oh... Oh. You are married? I didn't see her from back there..."**

 **"She doesn't appear in cutscenes."**

 **"Anyway, why-" Liu Bei angrily yells to Zhuge Liang,"What are you doing?! You neglected duties!"**

 **"Not really. I just had been assigned to 'escort' the 'juggarnauts'."**

 **"Why is juggarnauts in air quotes?!"**

 **"Yue Ying is like the juggarnauts as a whole. So thus I escorted her and did a little extra escort."**

 **"Why?"**

 **"...Why? I don't see what you mean."**

 **"Why? Why 'escort' her?"**

 **"Hello?! I'm married to her, thus I can do that with her!"**

 **"But why?"**

 **"Why...? You are a dumb f*bleep*." Fa Zheng says loudly,"Thank you!"**

 **"But women are smelly!"**

 **"...Maybe this is why your first wife killed herself. And the other fell down into a well."**

 **"Oh, you don't know that. She died of natural causes."**

 **"...So, let's just go beat up your cousin/uncle/brother/father relative and finish this stage, okay?"**

 **The gates break open as the Shu characters charge in to confront Liu Zhang.**

 **"I am just standing here vulnerable! Gah!" Wei Yan takes him by the head and bashes him against the ground. The victory music plays as 'Victory' appears on the screen. Liu Bei plants a flag into the concrete and announces,"I declare this place to be Han!"**

 **"Han has been already taken." points out Zhuge Liang.**

 **"Jin!"**

 **"Oh.. No... That was taken too..."**

 **"Jing!"**

 **"No! Think about what you used to do before becoming this powerful."**

 **"Oh my god, you're a genius! I will name this place... Straw Shoe!"**

 **Zhuge Liang slaps his palm onto his face.**

 _ **Liu Bei had taken land from his relative and named it Shoe. Oh wait, wrong spelling. Shu. There we go. Thanks to Fa Zheng, he was now an official warlord and not a hobo. It would be a matter of time before Cao Cao will notice him and try to kill him again. But, he was busy getting a promotion from the Emperor.**_

 **Cao Cao is talking to the Emperor about his current position.**

 **"I want to be promoted to Emperor."**

 **"...But I'm the emperor. There can be only one emperor."**

 **"Hm... how about vice emperor?"**

 **"That's not a thing."**

 **"Well, it should be. You know what, you be the vice emperor and I be the emperor emperor."**

 **"Again, not a thing."**

 **"Come on! I do so much work! I should at least get promoted to say... King."**

 **"We have no kings here, that's just a title."**

 **"I know, I want it. Ah, King Cao. That sounds nice..."**

 **"No."**

 **"Queen?"**

 **"Queens are female."**

 **"Well, I tried. Jack."**

 **"That's just a card."**

 **"There is no title Jack?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Duke?"**

 **"No."**

 **"What do you want from me?!"**

 **"I'm sorry. I don't want to give you a promotion. I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you off-Gh!" A group of politicians with knives surround the Emperor looking thuggish.**

 ***ghetto character voice* "Hey, if you don't give our man Cao Cao here a promo, you gonna get shanked in the ass like it's 44 BC!" A random official whispers,"FYI, that's when Julius Caesar was assassinated."**

 **"OKAY, OKAY! Don't stain my outfit with my blood! Alright, I'll give you the title of Duke. Happy?"**

 **"No. If you can give me the title of Jack..."**

 **"That's not even a title! That's the name of the card of the ambiguously sexual man that is not the king!"**

 **"Well, it should be."**

 **"Be happy with Duke."**

 **"I'll think about it. Guys, don't kill him."**

 **Cao Cao leaves the palace and goes to sit in a chair that faces the garden. He sighs and relaxes there until an angry Xun Yu gets in his face.**

 **"I cannot bloody believe you!"**

 **"OhmyJesussonofbitchinjackelAnubisandNuwaf*bleep*ingacloud!" He falls off his chair in shock. He gets back up by using the table he had in front of the chair. "You scared me! Geez! Don't raise your British voice around here or I would have punched your neck out!"**

 **"What was all of that about you threatening our fair queen-"**

 **"Emperor or king..."**

 **"My accent keeps making me saying 'queen'. How dare you threaten our fair emperor into promoting you?!"**

 **"Why are you so angry about this? Are you married to the freakin' emperor?"**

 **"No. I just hold high regard for him."**

 **"He just sits there in pee-colored clothing and a pee-colored chair."**

 **"Take that back, you fiend!"**

 **"Look, I need to pull my own weight around here and being a little dick sucker is not going to get me anywhere. Also, I didn't exactly take the offer. I said I'd think about it."**

 **"Huh."**

 **"I'll take the offer once I'm done thinking."**

 **"But why? Going up higher and higher would take much more effort than usual."**

 **"Really? I thought you would sit there and later swim in a giant pool of money."**

 **"That's not what it would be like."**

 **"Well, f*bleep* you for ruining the fun of being the boss."**

 **"Sod off to you as well."**

 **"Fine!"**

 **"Very well then!"**

 **"Asshole!"**

 **"Arsehole!"**

 **"That's the same thing!"**

 **"You're the redundant thing!"**

 **"Gay!"**

 **"Nancy-boy!"**

 **"Say normal things for once!"**

 **"You can go shag yourself!" He turns to walk away in a huff, but he stops. He takes his magic staff with the pointy part out and grins evilly while looking behind him. He turns back to Cao Cao,"Ah, I've been too harsh. How about a hug to make up for my stupid decisions?"**

 **"Well, if that's what they do in England, fine." Cao Cao goes towards him with his arms out and Xun Yu brandishes his sort-of knife, but something gets in his way. A force turns Cao Cao around and Xun Yu sees a ghostly being pushing him.**

 **"Are you bloody kidding me?!" He notices the ghost looked familiar to him. The ghost turns away from Cao Cao and floats over to him.**

 **"Hi, I'm Ghost Nappa!" It was just Guo Jia as a ghost.**

 **"No, you're not bloody Ghost Nappa! You're not even popular enough to come back as a ghost anything!"**

 **"Ahem, I was third place in the poll."**

 **"Doesn't mean you are wanted to come back as a ghost!"**

 **"Nope. Ooh, I want to try this: You must to go to the Dagobaaaah system."**

 **"..." Xun Yu stabs him in the head with his sort-of knife.**

 **"Haha, you can't stab ghosts."**

 **"Great... I have a bloody witness here... What are you doing? Go haunt Jia Xu or Zhang Liao since they was the ones who technically killed you."**

 **"I haunt people who are destined to die."**

 **"...Phht! I'm too handsome to die."**

 **"HELLO? Exhibit A floating right here!"**

 **"Not proof enough."**

 **"Zhou Yu died sometime last year."**

 **"Mother of god, it's like Game of Thrones for handsome people in this series!"**

 **"Told ya."**

 **"Seriously, go haunt Sima Yi or something. He has not been a main character sometime, so kill him off. And-oh great, Cao Cao's gone! You piece of glowing blue nancy-boy shite!"**

 **"Is the s*bleep* with an 'e' at the end...?"**

 **"No, it isn't! Graaah... I have to find him tomorrow then... Also, are you going to watch me as I sleep?"**

 **"No."**

 **"You are going to watch me as I sleep..."**

 **"Not this week... Oh wait, you'll die within this week."**

 **"Stop spoiling things!"**

 **"Ah, everyone knows that's you're dying."**

 **"Lalalalalala! I can't hear you!"**

 **"Ooh, character development. I never seen any of that since... well , ever."**

 **"Just go away!"**

 **"You can run, but you can't run from fate! FAAAAATTTE!"**

 **"Good day, ghost!"**

 **"I think I should be called Ghost Jia or something. It rhymes with Ghost Nappa in a way. Ooh, how about Ghost Nap-Jia?"**

 **"No, it doesn't!"**

 **"That's because you're not thinking right."**

 **"I'm going."**

 **"See you at your death cutscene!"**

 **Two days later...**

 **Xun Yu is about to stab Cao Cao again as he was sitting at a table eating a bowl of cereal. He is also reading the box to himself.**

 **"Huh, polychidrisucroglurucoseide..."**

 **"Got you now, you piece of sod...Ggh!" His arm freezes as he tries to plunge his staff's blade into Cao Cao. He tries to move it, but it remains up in the air. After some more pushing, he brings it down, but hits the table instead and a loud crack is heard.**

 **"...Huh...?" Xun Yu holds his arm and moves it up slightly to burst out yelling in pain. "Owowowow! I got Wanker's Cramp!" Cao Cao casually turns to him and says,"Stop masterbating then. I know you're a nerd, thus you get less tail, but gee, I'm eating here. "**

 **"Owowow! Ambulance!"**

 **"Amber lamps? Sure, we have those everywhere. Especially on New Year's."**

 **"Ambulance! Gah!" He collapses to the floor in shock from the pain. Cao Cao looks down and comments,"Wuss." He then continues chewing another spoonful of cereal.**

 **Xun Yu is lying in a bed looking sick to the point his cheekbones jutted out of his face.**

 **"Oh god, what happened? I just got a cramp, why am I burning from the inside...?" He hears laughing in his room and looks over to see Sima Yi holding up his staff.**

 **"At last, I hold the Millennium Rod!"**

 **"That's not the Millennium Rod, you wanker!"**

 **"...Oh. Damn it, I thought with your British-ness, you owned a magical evil item. So much for that." Sima Yi tosses the staff over his shoulder and it stabs into Xun Yu's chest with the pointy end first.**

 **"AAAAAGGH! You bloody nitwit! I am now going to really die!"**

 **"Oh, it's fine. There are a lot of British characters in this series, losing you won't that much of a loss. Heck, my own wife's British. Or from Hong Kong... I can't tell. Oh well, good night." He leaves the room, leaving Xun Yu to bleed out from the wound in his chest.**

 **"What a strange turn of events... I'm being penetrated by my own rod-" He is interrupted by a laughing caused by Ghost Guo Jia.**

 **"AHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHA! You do realize what you just said, right? Hahahaha!"**

 **"Shut up! I'm dying here! And get out!"**

 **"Oh well, you're dying. Any last words?"**

 **"...I have a few. I am not really British..." His accent shifts. "...I'm Canadian." Guo Jia floats there blinking twice before making a stifled laugh. He then laughs out loudly while pointing at Xun Yu,"I knew it! I called it! I. F*BLEEP*ING. CALLED. IT! You're f*bleeping Canadian!"**

 **"What's so funny?! What are you laughing about?!"**

 **"What the-? You say 'about' properly."**

 **"I spent so much time with the British accent, I learned how to say 'about' right."**

 **"Anyway, HAHAHAHAHA! You're Canadian!"**

 **"What is so funny about being Canadian?!"**

 **"Ahahahaha!" He continues laughing his ass off. Xun Yu groans and pulls his staff out of his chest. He kills himself using the blade on his neck.**

 **"Aw, he's dead. Now who else can I bother?"**

 **Jia Xu is sleeping in his bed when Guo Jia teleports to his location and calls out to him.**

 **"Hello! Hey! Wakey-wakey!"**

 **"Go away... Get out... You died by corn..."**

 **"Well, I died by this little girl who was part of a corn cult, but that's a whole another story."**

 **"Seriously, go back to Hell... I'm sleeping here..."**

 **"That's no fun..."**

 **"Really, you're not important anymore... You're just an idea for yaoi fanfiction."**

 **"You can't make a ghost gay. I don't even have a penis anymore! Look! It's all wisp!"**

 **"Not you as a ghost... Your body that had flesh..."**

 **"Well, that makes no sense. I may have had fantasies for John Stamos, but what self-respecting human DOESN'T?"**

 **"...You said too much."**

* * *

 **[Hypothetically, if Xun Yu gets an English voice actor, and he should have a British accent. If not, I'm gonna get so PISSED.]**

* * *

 **"Okay, I want Duke!" Cao Cao shouts at the Emperor. "I'm happy with Duke, so give it to me!"**

 **"Alright... Take your Duke." He holds out a card with the picture of Duke Devlin on it.**

 **"Oh my god... It's much better than I had expected it... So much better than Jack. Jack is an ambiguously sexual man while Duke is just pretty. And just sexual."**

 **"See that? He's very pretty and you will be as pretty as him once you take the title Duke."**

 **"Yes, I will... Then I will the sexiest being in the whole country-No, the world! Oh god, I just want to run my fingers through his hair-No,no! I will run my fingers through my OWN hair since I have the title of Duke!"**


	9. And that's how they were made

**_Sun Quan finally came to a conclusion about Liu Bei being a mooching douche once he found out about him taking over the kingdom in the west. He then goes to 'repossess' Jing from him, but there was someone in the way. He could only get part of it back if he destroyed the heavily sun-burnt deity figure that was guarding. So he sends some people to deal with him._**

 **Guan Yu receives an envelope and opens it to obtain a letter with the logo 'W.R.S' in the corner.**

 **"What the hell?! They're coming to repo the castle?! I paid all of my taxes!"**

 **"Dad, you left these bills in an old drawer that date back to 208..." Guan Ping said as he sorted through old yellow paper with the same 'W.R.S'logo on them. "You forgot to pay taxes for two years..."**

 **"Those were bills?! I thought they were paychecks dedicated to my glorious self!"**

 **"..."**

 **"Anyway, we can't let have it! We must fight 'till the very end!"**

 **"We're just two people."**

 **"And four other generics!"**

 **"...But that doesn't make up for anything."**

 **"Fine! I just need to make more babies! Where can I find a woman?"**

 **"A brothel?"**

 **"I am a holy figure! I don't need no brothel! I just need to find three virgins!"**

 **"We don't have time, they'll be here any minute."**

 **"Grr... Ah-ha! I have an idea."**

 **"What?"**

 **"We must go into the basement in order to increase the plan's creepiness!"**

 **The next shot shows the basement door and a green light shining through it with Guan Ping screaming in agony. Electricity sparks around the door's edges until the door bursts open to have a charred black Guan Ping crawl out in torn clothing.**

 **"Oh god... Oh god... I think we went against humanity for this..."**

 **"It's aliiiiiiive!" The booming echoing voice comes from the basement and Guan Ping turns around to look back to see Guan Yu having the evil scientist look on his face as three figures slowly rose from the floor. The light from above shine on them just so that their faces could be shown. They would be the future Guan Suo, Guan Xing, and Guan Yinping.**

 **"Oh god..."**

 **"Say hello to your new brothers, Ping! For some reason, it backfired and it gave me a man in a girl's body... But whoopee, you have a sister too."**

 **"What are they?! Are they of my DNA or yours?!"**

 **"Mine, of course! I used your body in order for the kids to obtain some personality from you!"**

 **"Oh god... This is just really bad fanfiction... This is so wrong..."**

 **"Okay, your name will be Suo and you will act like a homosexual so that I can be a dick to you." Guan Yu begins to name the new children one by one. "Yours is Xing because I like those Xing signs when you go by a school and you will be a suck-up like Ping. And for the girl... I don't know any girl names. Let me just jam two Chinese words and see where that will get me... Yinping! Yeah! I am so creative. And you are to be voiced by Stephanie Sheh."**

 **"Okay! I will do my best!"**

 **"Yup. That voice."**

 **Over in the Wu camp where Lu Su, Lu Meng, and Han Dang are stationed, they observe their surroundings and the castle ahead.**

 **"I hate to do this, but they failed to pay taxes, thus we must do what we must."**

 **"Since when did Wu have a tax bureau?" asks Lu Meng.**

 **"Since the state was established, duh. It was to punish people like Guan Yu for failing to pay taxes." Han Dang gets into the conversation,"You see here? This is what happens when you're an illegal! You fail your duty as a citizen just by being illegal!"**

 **"Yeah, yeah. We get it. Come on, can't we have a normal conversation?"**

 **"Other than my big balding head?"**

 **"Well... If you're self-conscious about that, you can just cover it."**

 **"You're right! I'll put this on." Han Dang puts on a cowboy hat with a Texas-shaped plate on it. "There. And I can cover ma face from the asshole sun! F*bleep* you, global warming!"**

 **"Look, why are we standing around here? Let's repo the castle from the heavily sun-burnt deity figure now." says Lu Meng.**

 **"Well, it seem inappropriate to do it so prematurely-Okay, sure."**

 **Once the Wu officers get to the front of the castle, Lu Su coughs loudly and pats down his chest.**

 **"What was that? Are you okay?" asks Lu Meng.**

 **"The illegals gave him swine flu!" yells out Han Dang.**

 **"No, no... It's something else..." Behind his head was Zhou Yu's glaring spirit, who was wrapping a ghostly rope around his neck.**

 **"Bang my wife after I die, huh...? Even if I didn't love her as an adult, I would like it if she remarried rather than sleep around with... let's say, my old student..." He tightens the knot, causing Lu Su to cough more.**

 **"Koff! Koff! I don't feel so good... We have to hurry up!"**

 **"Right, he had a mission to evicting Guan Yu out of the castle! I'll kill him once he's finished with it." Zhou Yu loosens the rope and lets Lu Su breathe again. Guan Yu along with his four children pop out at the top of the castle.**

 **"Haha! You will never take us alive! Me and my four kids will take you on!"**

 **"Oh my god! 4Kids is trying to cancel us?!" exclaims Lu Meng.**

 **"Lu Meng... We're not an anime, so they have no actual power to 'cancel' us."**

 **"Hmph... Fine then. F*bleep* you 4Kids for ruining One Piece, Yu-Gi-Oh, and now Dragon Ball Z Kai! But then again,you created the three famous abridged series' unintentionally!"**

 **"Sure, good enough."**

 **"But I like abridged series'..." said Guan Ping. He receives a punch to the face by Guan Yu.**

 **"No! Abridged bad!"**

 **"But we're an abr-*TWACK!*"**

 **"Alright, let's go!" Lu Su, Lu Meng, and Han Dang charge into the castle as Guan Yu yells at them not to.**

 **"No,no! Get out! My castle! Boys and girl, stop 'em!" Guan Xing, Guan Yinping, and Guan Suo obey by hopping off the wall and confront the three below. Guan Yu sees that Guan Ping hadn't moved, so he pushes him off with one hand.**

 **"Oh my Nuwa, since when did Guan Yu have sex?!" exclaims Lu Su.**

 **"See?! These illegals breed like rabbits! This is why we need them gone!" Han Dang yells out while shaking his fist.**

 **"Now's not the time for that! For the love of Confucius, there are four of them!"**

 **"Huh, how does the heavily sun-burnt deity figure reproduce? It has a dick?" contemplates Lu Meng.**

 **"Forget about it, we need to kick everyone out! Just beat them until they retreat!"**

 **"Now you're speaking my language! Yee-haw!" happily exclaims Han Dang.**

 **"You're not getting to our father!" Guan Xing, Guan Suo, and Guan Yinping all form a barrier with Guan Ping reluctantly forming it with them.**

 **"I'm sorry, but we have to defeat you guys. Your father is a neglectful son of a bitch. Don't worry, we have a Social Services in Wu."**

 **"No way! We're not going anywhere!" Han Dang groans loudly and rushes into the barrier. He breaks it by slamming his pike into it and knocks away all four kids. He charges to finish off everyone and this causes Guan Yu to appear.**

 **"Damn it! You got rid of my meal tickets!"**

 **"Now get out of our country, you illegal!" Han Dang throws a series of swings and blows that Guan Yu takes in without pain. "I need help!"**

 **"Right!" Lu Su and Lu Meng assist him by throwing their own swings and blows that diminishes Guan Yi's health. He starts to grunt in pain and fights back.**

 **"Okay, stop! I'm going to kill-Ugggh!" He is defeated and Lu Su sighs in relief.**

 **"There. They have been evicted the hard way." Zhou Yu appears behind him and begins to tighten the rope around his neck again. Lu Su coughs loudly and holds his neck in pain. Lu Meng turns to him and is worries.**

 **"Hey! Are you sure you're okay?"**

 **"I-I'm... fine... Kah..."**

 **"Damn ,your neck is like an oak tree!"**

 **Xun Yu appears as a ghost next to Zhou Yu and offers help,"Hello, my fellow handsome equal. I see you're trying to kill someone you know for doing something you hate. Is there anything that I could do?"**

 **"I'm fine!"**

 **"Are you sure?"**

 **"Clippy, I don't need your help! He's dying!" Lu Su tells Lu Meng in a raspy voice,"L-Lu Meng... I leave everything to you.. And please let Lu Xun out of his box." Zhou Yu growls and pulls his hands apart, creating a snapping noise and Lu Su becomes limp. He removes the rope, letting Lu Su fall to the ground. Lu Meng comments in a deadpan voice,"Wow, we're just dropping like flies..."**

 _ **Like his master before him, Lu Su passes away due to unknown illness and leaves command to Lu Meng. Man, is their job giving them bad karma or something?**_ _ **Cao Cao is just sitting there as Sun Quan again tries to kick him while he's down by trying to invade Hefei, a giant piece of land with a giant castle. Ooh, just lovely as Zhang Liao, Yue Jin, and Li Dian were left guarding it.**_

 **"Goldfish." said Yue Jin. Li Dian reaches towards a card pile to get another card.**

 **"Have any sevens?" asks Yue Jin.**

 **"Goldfish."**

 **He reaches to the card pile, but Zhang Liao kicks the table they were playing on out the window and announces,"I saw Sun Quan coming over here with his army! Let's go!"**

 **"Say whaaa...? Are you sure you want to do that?"**

 **"Yeah, it's a lost cause. Might as well just sit here and wait for the inevitable. I mean, I just respawned after been given a headshot a few chapters ago."**

 **"Come on, it will be just like one movie about half naked Greeks with rippling abs you could grate cheese on."**

 **"Except we're not half naked men with cheese grate-able abs. Nor we're Greek."**

 **"Well, I do have abs that you can grate cheese on. Really, I tried." comments Yue Jin. He gets weird looks from the two. "Look, it was in the middle of nowhere and I wanted mac 'n cheese."**

 **"So, you two don't want to come?"**

 **"No." The two said in unison.**

 **"Alright. You can come running to me once you change your mind."**

 **Over on the Wu-dominated side of the map, Sun Quan flips through a book labeled,"How to be a Good Character for Dummies".**

 **"Be angsty... Have a love interest... Have cool weapon..." He hears loud gunshots and looks up to see Gan Ning with a pistol shooting at Ling Tong.**

 **"Say that again about my madre! I'mma pop a cap in your ass! Then shank your body!"**

 **"Such ghetto tactics, I prefer if we settle it with swords. Or bullfighting."**

 **"Can it, Puss in Boots!"**

 **Sun Quan sighs and calls for Zhou Tai.**

 **"Get them to stop."**

 **"Yes, Master." He replied in a simple hoarse voice and goes towards the two. Sun Quan is continuing to read as loud slicing is in the background. Zhou Tai returns and Sun Quan tosses him a pouch of gummy bears. Lian Shi approaches him to report.**

 ***poor female voice to the point you can tell she was voiced by a man* "Sun Quan, it seems there is a man charging towards us."**

 **"Hello, Bayonetta with bigger boobies. What was that?"**

 **"According to the map, it is a man named Zhang Liao."**

 **"Meh, it's one guy, right? Just send Taishi Ci out to deal with him."**

 **"Yes! I get to appear after Chapter 2!" exclaims Taishi Ci happily. He rushes out of the camp yelling,"another person will suffer my wrath from my dildos!"**

 **Taishi Ci has been defeated!**

 **"Welp. Gan Ning, Ling Tong. Get out here and deal with Zhang Liao! Stop creating a reason for yaoi fanart to exist of you two!"**

 **"Yes, sir!"**

 **"What about me? I want to bust in a French guy's face!" yells Han Dang.**

 **"Sure, get out. You know what? Send everyone! It's just one guy!" He angrily shuts his book and tosses it behind him. "It's just one person with a few soldiers! Just run him over and take Hefei right from Wei!"**

 **The camps has soldiers and officers swarm out towards Zhang Liao. He easily defeats thousands and thousands as from the castle, Li Dian has a pair of binoculars watching him kick ass.**

 **"Huh... It might be possible we might win this."**

 **"What are we waiting for? Let's go! XP and gold is waiting out there!" happily exclaims Yue Jin.**

 **"Yeah!" They jump out of the window and land outside to rush on over to where Zhang Liao is.**

 **"Oh now you want to join in! Right when I'm doing the work!"**

 **"Oh, be glad we're even bothering to come out here!" Li Dian blocks gunshots from Gan Ning and Yue Jin counters Ling Tong's stabs from his rapier.**

 **"Ay, ay! Whatcha doin' here? You walked into the wrong side of the map, amigo!"**

 **"You stain our honor by showing your ugly faces at us."**

 **"Whoa, and I thought Xun Yu and Xu Huang had strange accents..."**

 **"They sound like Taco Bell."**

 **"That's not even real Mexican food! Not even Spanish!" snaps Gan Ning.**

 **"You insult us with that name." huffs Ling Tong.**

 **"Yeah, let's just beat you up for being different!"**

 **"Hhaaaagh!" The four get into a giant cloud of punches and kicks. Occasionally, the whirring from Li Dian's weapon could be heard. It breaks apart to have Gan Ning and Ling Tong retreating.**

 **"We totally won that battle! We're just trying to not get ahead of ourselves! Bye, losers!"**

 **"Yeah! I have your back, Ling Tong!"**

 **"You can always have my back, Gan Ning." He says in a slightly seductive voice.**

 ***shot of their eyes looking at each other to the saxophone part of Careless Whisper***

 **"No homo, eh?"**

 **"Yes, no homo."**

 **Back to Li Dian and Yue Jin, Yue Jin celebrates by happily stabbing a random soldier in the face. Zhang Liao knocks away more enemies and Sun Quan near the back of the army orders,"Forget it! We're losing! Retreat! Retreat! Where's the surrender button?!" The army marches with him towards a nearby escape route and Zhang Liao chases Sun Quan.**

 **"Hey! Time out! Time out! Just let me go!"**

 **"Not a chance!"**

 **Sun Quan whistles with his fingers to latch onto a horse. Zhou Tai is on a horse himself and follows near him.**

 **"Master, there is a broken bridge ahead of here."**

 **"Oh my god, you said more than three words!"**

 **"Just jump."**

 **"Are you nuts?! Look at that gap!"**

 **"Jump."**

 **"Fine, I'll trust you for this one moment."**

 **He rides towards the large gap made by the broken bridge and leaps over it in slow motion. The slow motion ends once he hits land on the other side. Zhou Tai makes it and Taishi Ci is following behind him.**

 **"Hey! Let me on!" Zhou Tai ignores him and leaps over the bridge. Taishi Ci attempts to leap over the gap, but he falls short and drops down to the deep canyon below.**

 **Every loser from Wu has retreated!**

 **"We have done it! We suffered no causalities at all and we are not destined to die!" Zhang Laio raises his axe up in the air in triumph along with Li Dian and Yue Jin.**

 **"Hooray!"**

 **"F*bleep* yeah! Suck on deez nuts, Sun Quan!"**

 **"I must say, gentlemen, it was an honor to be working with you."**

 **"You can be my wingman anytime, Li Dian." said Zhang Liao in a suggestive voice.**

 ***shot of their eyes looking at each with Careless Whisper in the background***

 **"No homo."**

 **"Uh, yeah. No homo."**

 **"Let's call the horses."**

 **"There are only two. I came here on foot."**

 **"Who is going to get a horse?" asks Yue Jin.**

 **"You can ride with me anytime, Yue Jin." Li Dian says suggestively.**

 ***shot of their eyes to Careless Whisper***

 **"No homo."**

 **"All of the homo!"**

 _ **So yeah, Wu is just having a losing and winning streak going on. Back to Liu Bei. He now thinks he is hot s*bleep* and decides to take on Cao Cao. BY HIMSELF. No help from other warlords. It's all him and his own officers. He's becoming a big boy that wears the big boy pants.**_

 **Cao Cao holds up a scroll and comments,"Oh my goodness! Liu Bei is back! I thought he died! How long has it been? Aw, man... I hvae to deal with his annoying ass trying to take over one of my lands... Ugggh... I guess I can call for some guys and get going there." He sets it down and reaches for a telephone.**

 **A telephone in another house rings loudly and Zhang Chunhua picks it up.**

 **"Hello?"**

 **"Whoops, wrong number. I meant to call my lackey and not a phone sex line." Her eyes narrow and she says in a deadpan voice,"This is Sima Yi's estate."**

 **"Oh, I didn't know. I need to speak British some more then. Fish and chips, limey, wanker and nancy-boy."**

 **"Not funny."**

 **"Ooh, are you from the same country as Xun Yu? He died, by the way, but are you?"**

 **"No. I am from here. Right a few provinces away from this one."**

 **"No way, there are no British people here. You have to be from Hong Kong if you have a British accent and still claim to be from China." She ignores his rambling and calls for Sima Yi to take the phone away from her.**

 **"Dickhead, your boss wants to talk to you."**

 **Sima Yi walks to her frowning.** **"Now, now. That's not my name. I have a name, you know. It's the one you scream when I am f*EFF!*ing you-**

 **"Here." She forces the phone to his hands and he answers it.**

 **"What is it, sir?"**

 **"Come on, we're going to kick Liu Bei's ass."**

 **"Okay... today?"**

 **"Yes. It takes like one in-game hour to get to Hanzhong."**

 **"Fine..."**

 **The scene switches to another telephone ringing inside another house. Xiahou Yuan picks it up and answers it.**

 **"Hello?"**

 **"You're getting screentime."**

 **"Oh boy! Today is going to be a great day! I sure hope I do not have something happen to me during this time!"**

 **Over on the Shu side, Liu Bei marches with his own army towards the Hanzhong stage. Fa Zheng is being annoyed with Zhang Fei and Zhao Yun following behind him.**

 **"Are we there yet?" asks Zhang Fei.**

 **"No."**

 **"Are we there yet?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Are we there yet?"**

 **"No."**

 **A long silence replaces the conversation for a bit.**

 **"Are we there yet?"**

 **"NO!"**

 **"Seriously, I'm the poster boy and I barely get screentime. That's not fair. I should at least have some role in this abridged series."**

 **"No."**

 **"I think I pooped myself!" exclaims Huang Zhong.**

 **"Someone take care of his needs. Oh god... It's probably better to just go back to the Wei side..."**

 **Meanwhile, on the top of a mountain...**

 **"Okay, I am assigned with a gay clown, a character from The Fault in Our Stars, and this chubby fat guy. The rest are on the other mountain a few miles from here." begins Sima Yi. "Just. Fan. F*EFF!*ing. Tastic."**

 **"Why do you people keep calling me a gay clown?!" angrily complains Zhang He.**

 **"Oh, I'm sorry. An ambiguously sexual clown. Is that better?"**

 **"Hey, I suffer from all of the broken health codes the kingdom had been ignoring these years! Not my fault it took you people ten years to bother replacing the asbestos in these camps!" shouts Guo Huai.**

 **"And you got plenty of compensation and a bitchin' ass weapon. I mean, is that enough? I'm not even sure that thing's even invented yet. Hipster. What's next? You want a case of PBR beer?"**

 **"Nothing can get me back my clean bill of health."**

 **"Oh, everyone here doesn't have a clean bill of health. We're all destined to die of Sudden Plot Illness. Except me. I'm too perfect for that."**

 **"What?! No fair! How come you don't get to die?!"**

 **"I am too good for death. Death is overrated. I am to keep living until further notice."**

 **"Someone coded you wrong."**

 **"Nope. The writers suck at their job. Including the one writing this. So, what happened to chubby fat guy?"**

 **"He went out with Zhang He."**

 **"Huh, I thought Zhang He was ambiguously sexual."**

 **"No! They went to face the army outside! The Shu one! Don't you even remember?!"**

 **"Ah, right. Well, chop chop now. I will be here, barking orders."**

 **"Why don't you go out?"  
**

 **"Hehehehe... The battle will be over once I go out. My handsome face will just make everyone surrender out of respect. And you with your sickly appearance will drive soldiers away from you. I prefer the latter to happen."**

 **"..."**

 **The shot is Sima Yi flying off the mountain from a giant explosion.**

 **"You know, I'm technically your superior! Ahhhhhh! You're fired!"**

 **Out in the field, Xiahou Yuan charges forward defeating many officers until he reaches Huang Zhong, who was wandering about questioning his surroundings.**

 **"Hey...! This isn't Bangkok! Where are the girls with penises?! PENISES!"**

 **"Try a little more down south, old man!" He tries to attack him, but Huang Zhong happens to duck down to pick up a coin from the ground.**

 **"Ooh, a coin! Uhh... this coin has Cao Cao's face on it... It has no value in our kingdom... So much for that." He tosses the coin behind his shoulder, right as Xiahou Yuan turns sharply around to go after him again and aims an arrow at him. The coin flies in slow motion towards Xiahou Yuan and he releases his arrow. The slow motion continues as the arrow and coin fly towards each other to where the coin hits the tip of the arrow, causing it to turn right around and hit Xiahou Yuan in the eye.**

 **"AAAAGGGHHH! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!" His horse continues to charge forward, and Huang Zhong walks away without actually noticing them just in time to go step on a beetle. The horse continues to run until it crashes into the side of a mountain and following it is a huge explosion. You can barely make out Micheal Bay's head within the fiery blaze.**

 **"NOOOOOO!" Cao Cao breaks down and is on his knees slamming the ground with his fists."You maniacs! You killed him! Argh! Now I'm really making sure Liu Bei is getting killed here! We have a guy that uses a gun, right?" Xiahou Dun flips through a booklet and replies,"Since Yuan is dead, the only other person capable of projectiles is Guo Huai."**

 **"Yes! Make sure he is with me when we storm Liu Bei's camp!"**

 **"Well, he is with Zhang He and Sima Yi."**

 **"Why the f*bleep* is Sima Yi out there? He isn't even a level seven mage yet! Who does that?!"**

 **"Well, he was forced out there."**

 **"He's their superiors! How could he be made into such a bitch?!"**

 **Sima Yi: Well, the man had a gun. What could I do? He could shoot off my family jewels if I tested him further. I need those, you know.**

 **"Then you shoot off the other guy's family jewels!"**

 **"I'm not even sure if he does have anything down there. And I do not want to find out."**

 **"Anyway, retreat."**

 **Zhang He: Say what?! We have to avenge Xiahou Yuan! That old man is not getting away with this!**

 **Guo Huai: They guy seems to be a waste of bullets. I can't set this thing to 'one bullet'.**

 **"It doesn't matter! Get back!"**

 **"Fine."**

 **Liu Bei notices the armies in blue retreating and orders for Zhuge Liang and Fa Zheng,"Alright! We got them running! Now we finish what we started!"**

 **"Which is...?"**

 **"Kill Cao Cao! This is the whole reason why the Three Kingdoms started! I wanted to kill Cao Cao, buuuuut noooooo! I had to be a hobo and weak and had him kick my ass many times before coming this far! But, the moment I started to mooch off of the more poorly-written warlord by the name of Sun Quan, that's when my life turned around!"**

 **"Wow. And you would just admit that to the rest of us?"**

 **"That will get edited out in the final product of this game. Come on!"**

 **"Alright..."**

 **"Seriously, how in the world are you still working here?" asks Fa Zheng.**

 **"Look, in exchange for my dignity, I get the V.I.P treatment. Meaning I am pretty much on his level, but higher."**

 **"That made no sense."**

 **"See? And he still sticks me high up. Not that I mind, of course. I live like a king these days."**

 **"And you would admit that to me?"**

 **"That will get edited out in the final product of this game."**

 **The next scene is just Liu Bei and his army marching up the mountain singing "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain". His singing is off-key, causing all of the soldiers and officers to plug their ears.**

 **"She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes... She'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes... She'll be kicking Cao Cao's ass when she comes... She'll drench Wei's armies with their commander's blood when she comes... Oh, we'll become heroes in the Romance when she comes."**

 **"That made no sense!" Fa Zheng has a vein pop on his forehead and takes out his magic carpet. He hops onto it and flies all the way to the top of the mountain ahead of Liu Bei.**

 **"Hey! No fair! You didn't even get to hear my cover of 'Camptown Races'!" Zhuge Liang has his eyes open wide in surprise and creates a tornado that sends him flying up to the top of the mountain.**

 **Once the army that couldn't be able to fly up to the top finally got to it, they start to flood the camp, creating panic among the ranks. Cao Cao throws his hands up in surrender.**

 **"Welp, we're done for. I can't believe that stupid leprechaun beat me for the first time in his miserable life." Liu Bei points his sword at him and says,"While we are beating your camp to a pulp, I am finally going to kill you-"**

 **"Too late! Eat it, nerds!" Cao Cao sets the camp on fire and quickly climbs a camp wall to jump off. He pulls a string and a parachute lets him float slowly away from the mountain.**

 **Back inside the camp, Huang Zhong begins to frantically pat himself down even thought no fire had got onto him.**

 **"Oh my god! This is what Hell looks like! I knew I shouldn't have killed that hooker!" Zhang He and Guo Huai see him while having malicious looks in their eyes.**

 **"There's Xiahou Yuan's killer! Haaaa!" They charge towards him, and Huang Zhong ducks without seeing them due to fear from the fire.**

 **"I'm so sorry! Please don't stick a probe up my ass! My anus is always filled with poop! You don't want that!"**

 **They fly over him and find themselves charging towards Fa Zheng, who was speaking to Liu Bei.**

 **"Look, we have to get out. We've already won-GGH!" Zhang He has his claws go through Fa Zheng's chest and Guo Huai has his bayonet in his abdomen.**

 **"Whoops."**

 **"Oh crap..."**

 **"Ggahh... Huu...GAH!" A loud boom creates a crater in his stomach, much to his shock. Guo Huai looks at his gun and winces.**

 **"Damn... My trigger finger acted."**

 **"Huuu... What is this... bulls-s*bleep*...?" Liu Bei gasps and exclaims,"No way! You took those hits for me! That's awesome! Hey! You're gonna make it, alright?"**

 **"...Huuu... I have six blades in my ribcage and a blown open hole in my stomach... What makes you think I'm surviving this...?"**

 **"No! You had a great life ahead of you! I think I loved you better than Zhuge Liang!"**

 **"..."**

 **Fa Zheng stumbles back to remove himself from the two's weapons and aims Guo Huai's cannon to his mouth.**

 **"PULL THE TRIGGER! DO IT! DO IT!"**

 **"What?!"**

 **"PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY!"**

 **"I-I... I just want to kill the person who kill my commander."**

 **"Look, that old man was under my command! Kill me!"**

 **"Well, now that you say it that way."**

 ***BOOM***

 **A gory mess that is censored by mosaics splatters all over the ground. Zhang He groans in disgust and comments,** **"I think that's the messiest way someone has gone out in this series."**

 **"Noooo! You bastards!" angrily exclaims Liu Bei. "You could have just let him die peacefully and not something out of a Saw movie!"**

 **"You killed one of us, we kill one of yours. An eye for an eye."**

 **"We'll be back! Grr... huh? Where's Zhuge Liang?" He turns to see Zhuge Liang getting punched in the face with his own fists by Sima Yi controlling them through his own powers.**

 **"Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?"**

 **"Stop it!"**

 **"Why are you telling me? You should just stop hitting yourself."**

 **"Grr!"**

 **"Now give me your money."**

 **"I don't have any!"**

 **"Okay. I should probably stop. NOT!" Sima Yi has him float up into the air and he throws him off the mountain. He then turns back to see the gory mess on the ground and he claps while chuckling.**

 **"Ooh, a fancy death! This is actually more impressive then that one time my wife murdered our maid. I have to get me one of those guns."**

 **"What the hell is wrong with you?!" angrily shouts Liu Bei.**

 **"Nothing. I just love the premise of war. You two, kill him since he's already below health from the fire attack."**

 **"No! The battle is over!"**

 **"Aw... Very well. Later, imbeciles." He climbs up the wall and jumps off to pull out a parachute. Zhang He and Guo Huai follow his lead, leaving Liu Bei to stand there in the gore of his former strategist.**

 **"Oh god... His insides were just as black as his soul... Is this normal...?"**

* * *

 **[Fa Zheng will be missed just like Pang Tong was. Just a bit more than him.]**

* * *

 **Guan Yu, Guan Ping, Guan Xing, Guan Suo, and Guan Yinping stood outside of a dirt road holding their thumbs out as carriages passed by them.**

 **"Dad, I don't think anyone's coming to get us." said Guan Ping.**

 **"Shut up, you'll jinx it for us."**

 **"We can just walk to another castle in the area. We had one, remember? It's a bit far, but we'll at least have progress."**

 **"Nope. We will wait here until someone will take us five into their cart."**

 **"...Uggh."**


	10. Row, row! Fight the chapter!

_**This is where things start to go downhill. Wu really wanted their taxes paid, but Guan Yu is just refusing to pay them and he holed up in another castle inside the Jing territory. Nothing goes in and nothing goes out. Wu are itching for their piece of land back, so they had to go talk to someone despite of the dignity they were losing in the process. Cao Cao. Yes, the very people who helped Shu from its roots are now teaming up with the guy who wanted to stop Shu from happening in the first place. Don't you just love history? Well, I do. Not sure about you.**_

 **Sun Quan sits with Cao Cao with a piece of paper in between them.**

 **Cao Cao begins,"So... after you completely devastated my army back in 208... You now want to ignore that and ally with me? You have balls, my friend. Balls. You don't look like it, but now that I remember seeing your lady friend... Yeah, you have some huge freakin' balls."**

 **"Look, we're not friends, okay? I just want my money from that heavily sun-burnt deity figure. It doesn't matter how, I just want it."**

 **"Oh, I get it. You just want some firepower and get rid of that thing... Huuu... Fine. We'll help you out. But. BUT. You only get one from me. Everyone does. You will not ask me ever again."**

 **"Yes."**

 **"Alright, we have a deal. The catch is that I will not be there. My son will."**

 **"Oh.. Really?"**

 **"Is that going to be a problem?"**

 **"No! None at all! I am honored by both of your presences!"**

 **On the day of the battle, soldiers are training and warming up to the yelling of Yu Jin's voice.**

 ***German accent* "Nein, nein, nein! Zat is wrong! You have to put ze power into your spear! Pretend there's a Jew at ze tip of ze spear!"**

 **"Yes sir!"**

 **"Do zit for our beloved Lord Fuhrer! All hail ze Fuhrer!" He holds up his arm and gets cries of determination in response.**

 **"Yes... Dat is good..." He sees Pang De carrying a coffin and he angrily shouts,"Vhat in ze hell are you doing?! Ve're not giving that heavily zun-burnt deity figure a funeral! He vill get ze gas chamber!"**

 **"Attention, Nazi! This is for me, silly! When I die, I want to be put inside this."**

 **"Ha! You know vhat vould be better?" He screeches,"YOU NOT DYING AT ALL!"  
**

 **"But I will be fighting the heavily sun-burnt deity figure-"**

 **"You vill fight zim. JUST DON'T DIE!"**

 **"But what if I do?"**

 **"Zen don't come back!"**

 **"But I'll be dead-"**

 **"DON'T. COME. BACK. YOU VILL DISGRACE OUR FUEHRER'S NAME VITH YOUR DEATH!"**

 **"Gee... Bitch."**

 **"GAS CHAMBER! ZOMEONE GIVE ZIS PEST ZE GAS CHAMBER!"**

 **Wu side**

 **Lu Xun breathes heavily over and over to take in the oxygen around.**

 **"It's been forever since I've been outside! I never though it would be dark like the closet I spent time in."**

 **"It's nighttime." said Lu Meng.**

 **"Ooh! Water is coming from the sky!"**

 **"It's raining."**

 **"Whoa!"**

 **"Okay, the first two people before me were f*bleep* up to do this."**

 **"Zhou Yu would just give me dead rats and used tampons."**

 **"Uggh..."**

 **"Lu Su gave me a decent meal, but apparently kept me in captivity for Zhou Yu."**

 **"...Yeah... Zhou Yu was a bit of a... KOFF!" Zhou Yu was behind as a spirit slowly strangling him with his ghost rope. "Kagh...! Huu..."**

 **"Are you okay, Master Lu Meng?"**

 **"Yeah... I'm fine... Koff koff!"**

 **"You know, Lu Meng... It's rude to speak ill of the dead... Would you like to be taught a lesson in death?" eerily says Zhou Yu while grinning manically.**

 **"Who's that...?! Uggh... I don't feel that good..."**

 **"Oh no! I have to quit this job or else I'm destined to die like you! And Lu Su! And Zhou Yu! The job of strategist is cursed!"**

 **"No... it isn't... It's just that... well... Look, we have to hurry up."**

 **Shu side**

 **Guan Yu has his children around him as they let the rain soak them.**

 **"Look, children... It may be that some of us may not survive... So, if I die here, you are to find your uncle over back in Chengdu."**

 **"Yes, father."**

 **"If we survive, then whoopee. We get a hypothetical stage." Guan Ping clears his throat and tells him,"...That won't be guaranteed at all... Since we didn't save Xu Shu from back there, some of us won't get to survive."**

 **"No way! Are you joking me?! Grrr! So I'm dying then?!"**

 **"We don't know that..." Guan Ping shifts his eyes left and right nervously. "Yeah, we don't know that."**

 **Wei side**

 **"FINALLY, I get screentime ever since probably Chapter 2 or 3!" exclaims Cao Pi. "Why was I held back for so many chapters?! That is not fair!"**

 **"Well, sir. You now have screentime. Is that good enough?" comments Sima Yi.**

 **"Why the f*bleep* are you here?! You never took part in this historically!"**

 **"Well, Koei just loves to put me in everything. They just cannot get enough of me unlike someone here."**

 **"This is an outrage!"**

 **"Hey, you're a playable character. I'm just this guy who brings in reinforcements along with Mr. Xiahou Dun."**

 **"Huh... You're right... Yes! Haha! Sucks to be you! I'm a main character! No longer a side character here and in your Answers Letters segment!"**

 **"Shhh! You are not supposed to know about that considering this breaks away from all the canon."**

 **"That thing's canon?!"**

 **"...Well, not the ridiculous parts-Wait a minute! I cannot be talking about that! Let me assume my abridged personality... Haha! Your name sounds like 'fart' in our language! Where can I get a clean blowjob? I'll just go ask your mother then!"**

 **"Hey! Don't talk about her like that!"**

 **"She's a card! With a hole through it! I will stick my dick through that hole! And while I'm at it, I can go waltz over to Zhen Ji to do the same thing! Hahaha! She's got some big ones that I can run my-"**

 **"...Okay... Okay... You already assumed that personality."**

 **"Good to hear."**

 **"Jagashimesh! I'm pretty sure people forgot me!" exclaims Xu Huang. "Me! A playable person!"**

 **The battle begins with Cao Pi racing through the battlefield on a motorcycle. He runs over armies of soldiers and defeats soldiers by just stabbing them with his sword with one hand.**

 **"I am going to use my screentime to the fullest! That means doing the most unthinkable! Yeah! Screw the rules!" He races by Lu Xun and hits him in the head.**

 **"Eat it, nerd!"**

 **Lu Xun breaks down sobbing and Lu Meng hits him.**

 **"Goddamn it! You're an adult! Start acting like it!"**

 **"Okay..." Cao Pi returns to hit Lu Meng in the head.**

 **"Take that, older nerd!"**

 **"Come on! We have better things to do than deal with this douche! Let's destroy the floodgates!" They run away from Cao Pi towards the area that had the floodgates. Cao Pi scoffs and races off on his motorcycle. The music to his image song plays and he sings it while riding.**

 _ **kono ransei wo shizumete onore no chikara de**_

 _ **aratanaru seikai he to**_

 _ **kono te de kizuita seikai wa**_

 _ **sora yori hatenaku**_

 _ **fushichou no youni towa ni**_

 _ **LAAAAST FOREVEEEER**_

 **"Ow!"**

 **A rock hits him and he sees it was thrown by Yu Jin.**

 **"WE'RE ZE CHINESE! SPEAK ZE ENGLISH!"**

 **"Fine!"**

 _ **I shall silence the chaos with my motorcycle and also my own strength**_

 _ **towards the next generation**_

 _ **The generation built by my hand**_

 _ **cannot be stopped**_

 _ **Like a phoenix, it's eternal, it will**_

 _ **LAAAAST FORREEVER**_

 **"Man, if I could play a children's card game while on the said motorcycle... Then that would be awesome. Or stupid. But I am fabulous, thus I would make the concept look awesome."**

 ***Jack Atlas popping out yelling,"CARD GAMES ON MOTORCYCLES!"***

 **Over in another area, Sima Yi is sitting on a log while staring at his watch. With him was the reinforcements for later and Xiahou Dun.**

 **"You're a playable character, why aren't you out there?"**

 **"The player didn't choose me, thus I'm stuck with you."**

 **"Well then... Gah... This is so boring... Look, even the generics are getting bored. They need a morale booster."**

 **"I have an idea, what about we just raise their pays? That'll motivated anybody."**

 **"Nah, I'm thinking about something else."**

 **"What?"**

 **A piano tune begins and Xiahou Dun groans.**

 **"No, no... You're not..." The piano music continues louder and Xiahou Dun is shaking his head. "Dear god... You're going to sing. Look, I'll give you my remaining eye if you don't sing!"**

 **Sima Yi slips on a pair of orange triangular sunglasses as well as a red cloak.**

 **"Hey, hey! How do you even know if this is going to work?!"**

 **"Hahaha! This will motivate the most laziest of men!" He snatches a microphone and the music being played picks up.**

 **_Do your occupation, stay in your position!_**

 **The army begins to chant,"Row, row! Fight the procrastinator!"**

 _ **Obey your superior, destroy those inferior!**_

 _ **Row, row! Fight the weaker!**_

 _ **Power to the capable, power to the competent**_

 _ **Don't let your loyalty waver, don't fall for deceit**_

 _ **We are of the kingdom's elite**_

 _ **Watch as they drop to our feet**_

 **Xiahou Dun comments,"Okay... You're not black, so stop the rapping-"**

 _ **Shutting up will help you see**_

 _ **How much of an imbecile you'd be**_

 **"Hey! Was that directed to me?!"**

 _ **You're on top of everything, I like it that way**_

 _ **See if you can keep it going, 'cause that's all I'm gonna say**_

 **"Dear god, can I have a fast forward for this?!"**

 _ **You are assigned this fate**_

 _ **Fight it, and you'll get my hate**_

 _ **If you fail this task, expect no gain**_

 _ **As you'll be sent to be chained and given pain**_

 _ **Sorry, my order is not to be taken lightly, yo**_

 **"Oh god, you said 'yo'!"**

 _ **Y'all still need to learn more**_

 _ **So, we gonna have you beat some whores**_

 _ **What I meant by that is those Shu sores**_

 _ **Now go out and settle the score**_

 **A feminine voice sings with a voice associated with opera and Xiahou Dun raises an eyebrow.**

 **"Who's singing that?" He follows the voice and sees Wang Yi sitting on a log far from them. "Why is she here?!"**

 **"She was on break, so I paid her 4,000 dollars to do this for me. That's a lot of money to them."**

 **"This is a lot of bull-"**

 **"Ooh, we're on. Let's get these men out there. Row, row! Fight the deity figure!" The army repeats the phrase with more power.**

 _ **Row, row! Fight the deity figure!**_

 **He begins again,"Row, row! Kill their officers!"**

 ** _Row, row! Kill their officers!_**

 **Xiahou Dun scowls at him,"Are you serious right now?"**

 **"I am not supposed to even be here, I'm making the most of it. Row, row! Screw the writers!"**

 _ **Row, row! Screw the writers!**_

 **"You are just sounding stupid right now..."**

 **"Row, row! Punish this officer!" A soldier goes up to hit Xiahou Dun in the head.**

 **"Row, row! Follow my order!" He leads the army towards the castle while shouting,"Row, row! Fight the tower!" Xiahou Dun tells him,"That's a castle."**

 **"Row, row! Beat this officer!" Xiahou Dun receives another whack to the head.**

 **"Row, row! Destroy the door!"**

 **"Gate."**

 **"Row, row! Cap this officer!" Xiahou Dun gets another hit.**

 **"Row, row! Get in there!"**

 **"Also, did I mention your sunglasses look stupid?"**

 **"Row, row! Don't diss the hair!"**

 **"I didn't say hair. The sunglasses-*twack*Ow!"**

 **"Row, row! Don't be a hater!"**

 **"Ha! those last two didn't even have the correct tempo!"**

 **"Row, row! Think you're better?"**

 **"What-Grrr!"**

 **Lu Xun and Lu Meng are at the floodgates, kicking and slicing at the wood.**

 **"It's not opening!"**

 **"If we keep doing this, it will open!"**

 **"Attention, Wu-sers! My helmet is supposed to do this!" Pang De knocks them away and breaks open the gate.**

 **"Well... Looks like we can go fight the heavily sun-burnt deity figure."**

 **"Yeah!"**

 **Cao Pi is still singing loudly as he rides his motorcycle towards the castle.**

 _ **Doooon't say if I were you**_

 _ **Or tell me what to dooo!**_

 _ **How things would be if you were in my shoooes**_

 _ **'Cause you're not me!**_

 **"That'z not your zong!" Yu Jin hurls a rock at Cao Pi and it hits him to then bounce into the engine. Cao Pi loses control over his bike and crashes into the castle gates. He comes out of the fiery wreckage unharmed.**

 **"It's a good thing I'm a main character or that would have hurt me." Lu Xun and Lu Meng rush to the broken gates, passing by him and giving him slaps to the face.**

 **"Hey! This is the job of the main character!"**

 **"We're the main characters!"**

 **"Yeah, for the Wu side! The most canon side is Wei, of course!"**

 **"Phht!"**

 **"Row, row! Rush the tower!" shouts Sima Yi.**

 **"Castle!" says Xiahou Dun.**

 **"Row, row! Stop fixing grammar!"**

 **"That wasn't grammar. I'm just giving you proper wording of this place."**

 **"Row, row! Pop this officer!"**

 ***twack* "Ow!"**

 **"Row, row! Take that, muthaf*EFF!*er!"**

 **"How about: Row, row! Shut the f*bleep* up?!"**

 **"Ooh, a good one! I can believe I never came up with that. It's the most obvious one! Unfortunately, it doesn't have that certain tempo to it. Oh well. You can go defeat your so-called rival while I stand here."**

 **"Oh god, thanks!" He runs through the broken gates and Sima Yi scoffs.**

 **"Gee. Dick."**

 **Inside the castle, Guan Yu has his children before him. They are standing on higher ground as water floods the castle.**

 **"Looks like this is the end of the line..."**

 **"What are we going to do, Dad?"**

 **"Huff..." He looks at the three Guan children and then to Guan Ping. "We will fight to the end. Get your siblings to safety."**

 **"Um... Me?" questions Guan Ping.**

 **"Yes."**

 **"But... That means I'll die."**

 **"Yes."**

 **"That's not right."**

 **"Well, I need to take down someone with me."**

 **"Why not Suo? You hate him the most."**

 **"...Yeah... Yinping, take these two out of here."**

 **"Dad!"**

 **Guan Yinping tearfully cries."I can't do it! I don't want to leave-"**

 **Guan Yu grabs all three that are not going to die in the stage and throws them far up into the sky away from the castle. Guan Ping is about to run off, but Guan Yu keeps him back.**

 **"I'm a virgin! I don't wanna die yet!"**

 **"Fight to the very end! That's what a man does!"**

 **"I didn't even try to bang my fake sister!"**

 **"Ew! What's wrong with you?!"**

 **"She's not even my actual sister! I'm not your actual son! It can work!"**

 **"Now I'm really happy that you're staying here with me."**

 **"It's over, heavily sun-burnt deity figure!" shouts Lu Meng.**

 **"Yeah! Surrender now or we might have to get nasty!" adds Lu Xun.**

 **"Bring it on!"**

 **"If this is my fate, fine! Hopefully, I get to be a deity in the afterlife!"**

 **Right after they say this, Pang De, Yu Jin, Cao Pi, Xiahou Dun, and Xu Huang run into the castle.**

 **"Goddamn it!"**

 **"Welp. We're done for..."**

 **"Attention, heavily sun-burnt deity figure! My helmet is going to fight your ass!"**

 **"Azept ze divine redemption in ze name of our lord Fuhrer!" shouts Yu Jin.**

 **"I don't even know you properly. You were in Guandu, right?" asks Cao Pi.**

 **"Remember what I said about you being an important character? Ha! I meant it in a way meaning that I kill you!" yells out Xiahou Dun.**

 **"Jagashimesh! Prepare to die, Jew!"**

 **"Ping... I need you to know: I love you."**

 **"And I hate you too, Dad."**

 **"What?!"**

 **Everyone from below all jump unrealistically high to charge towards them in slow motion and the frame freezes.**

 _ **Guan Yu was captured at Fan Castle and is sent to Wu for a "trial". The kid also got a "trial". Cao Cao didn't even get a thank you note from Sun Quan for assisting them. But, that's the thing. Sun Quan had something better than a thank you note.**_

 **"Sir? What do we do with the kid's body?" asks a generic to Sun Quan.**

 **"You killed the kid?! Why?!"**

 **"You said to take care of him."**

 **"I meant it in the normal way! Not kill him-Oh, just bury him. Also, grab that box that Lu Su made a long time ago that was specific for that heavily sun-burnt deity figure."**

 **Cao Cao is sitting at a table reading the newspaper titled 'The Cao-ronacle". A messenger runs to him holding a small box.**

 **"Sir! This is from Sun Quan!"**

 **"Ooh, he is giving me a present? I guess I do deserve it for helping his ass back there." He takes the box and opens it. He screams and yells loudly,"What the f*bleep* is this?! What sicko..." He is looking at Guan Yu's head. "...cuts off his beard?! You leave that on! Jesus! He looks awful! He is like Zhang Fei now with a bad sunburn!"**

 **"Sir, there's another box..." The messenger pushes in a larger rectangular box and Cao Cao goes ahead to open it. It was the rest of Guan Yu's body inside and Cao Cao falls to his knees.**

 **"You... You... BASTARDS! F*bleep* you, Sun Quan!" He breaks down sobbing."...Hu...hu...You ruined the collector's value! You son of a biiiiitch!"**

 **Back at Fan castle, Lu Meng collapses to the ground, causing Lu Xun to grab him. Zhou Yu is finishing the knot for the noose he is preparing on Lu Meng's neck.**

 **"Koff! Koff!"**

 **"Master! You can't die yet! You were the one who released me from the closet hell!"**

 **"I-I'm sorry... Karma is... a bitch..."**

 **"Please! Don't die!"**

 **"I'm... It's too late... Look, Lu Xun... Koff! You must fight the curse. Do not run from it, take on the curse head on... Koff, koff!" His face turns blue and closes his eyes, leaving Lu Xun to burst out crying. He continues to cry hysterically and stops abruptly.**

 **"Can I get my Oscar now?"**

 **A generic walks up to him and says,"Oh my god... He's really dead, huh?"**

 **"Shut up, bitch! I'm trying to get an Oscar! Ahuhuahauha!" He continues to sob uncontrollably.**

* * *

 **[Guan Ping was dumped into a shallow grave that many years later, a Walmart was built over it.]**

* * *

 **Sima Yi is sitting a boat with a few soldiers rowing it to move away from the castle. He shouts to his rowers,"Row, row! Row the boat!"**

 _ **Row, row! Row the boat!**_

 **"Row, row! Fight the water!"**

 _ **Row, row! Fight the water!**_

 **"Row, row! Row this f*EFF!*er!"**

 _ **Row, row! Row this f*bleep*er!**_

 ***Abridged Naruto popping up to yell "Row, row! Fight the rower!"***


	11. The Stone Sentinel Labyrinth

_**Wei and Wu were victorious in eliminating the heavily sun-burnt deity figure and they just went back to their separate ways. Sun Quan went back to being a bland character and Cao Cao was just dying from Sudden Plot Illness.**_

 **"Ugggh... Come on... This is a load of bull..." groaned Cao Cao as he laid in bed looking sickly pale. "Why now...?" A generic dressed in a doctor's outfit walks to him holding a clipboard.**

 **"I've did some tests and it seems you have a tumor in your head. And a side of an STI, but that will be dealt with later."**

 **"What...? I have cancer? I knew I shouldn't have watched popcorn pop..."**

 **"No, no. It's just due to probably stress, or... yeah, cancer."**

 **"How long do I have?"  
**

 **"Today."**

 **"Aw man... I'll jot down my will then before I croak."**

 **In about an hour, Cao Cao had a long piece of paper running down his bed and onto the floor as he wrote onto one of the ends of the paper. Xiahou Dun walks in and picks up the other end to read it.**

 **"...The damaged heavily sun-burnt deity figure will be sold on WeiBay for at least five hundred dollars... My rubber duck hat collection will be buried with me... My many children get a piece of my computer... Cousin, this isn't-"  
**

 **"Shut up, I'm dying."**

 **"Fine. I'll just continue reading this and-You're giving Jia Xu and Sima Yi along with some unimportant generics custody of your son?"**

 **"Not custody! They would just make sure he's going in the right direction, that's all."**

 **"The two of them are going in the wrong direction, though. And have you SEEN Sima Yi's children?"**

 **"Yeah. And they turn out fine."**

 **"They don't seem that fine..."**

* * *

 **"Dad! Shi keeps turning me into a mindless minion with the Millennium Rod! And he keeps killing me and bringing me back to life with the Millennium Lamp Post!" shouts Sima Zhao as Sima Shi is chasing him around holding the late Xun Yu's staff along with Guo Jia's magic stick. Sima Yi sits in a fancy chair reading a newspaper,"Hmm... It looks like Cao Cao has two more hours to live as of now... How sad... I will have to work for Cao Fart soon. Oh well, at least he is poor with money. I can take advantage of that."**

 **"Dad! He shot me-Uuuugggh... My name is Steve..."**

 **Sima Yi folds his newspaper and rolls it up. He goes over to Sima Shi and whacks him in the head and also gives Sima Zhao a whack as well.**

 **"Daddy needs his weapons for some private matters Daddy can't disclose."**

 **"Ow! Fine... Can I play with the Millennium Rake and Staff?"**

 **"No! Those are dangerous! Silly kid... Playing with the Millennium Rake and Staff... Do you know who originally owned those?"**

 **"Um..."**

 **"Exactly. So don't mess with them. And you do not mess with my Millennium Flail or else I will unleash its powers onto you. And I only use those powers for when your mother becomes a little naughty and needs to be disciplined."**

 **"Okay..."**

* * *

 **Xiahou Dun sits on the floor still reading the extended will of Cao Cao. Cao Cao was still writing as he read. His hand slows down to a complete stop and he drops his head. Xiahou Dun looks up and goes over to him to attempt in waking him up.**

 **"Hey. Wake up." He remains still and Xiahou Dun realizes immediately what has happened. He kneels down by the bed with shock on his face. Looking at the paper, he reads the final sentence from Cao Cao.**

 **"...I leave Xiahou Dun with... He never finished. Crap."**

 ** _Cao Cao passed away peacefully without the help of some angry warlords trying to assassinate him. Good for him. His son, Cao Pi, succeeds him and the first thing he does is..._**

 **Cao Pi holds a gun to the Emperor's head and begins shouting fast,"GIMEETHETHRONE! GEMEETHETHRONE! Or I'll cap your yellow ass back to the birth of Christ!"**

 **"AAAAAAHHHH! OKAY! IT'S YOURS!"**

 **"And I want the hat."**

 **"...Sure."**

 _ **Cao Pi had the Emperor abdicate his throne to him and he officially named the empire Wei. His next order of business was...**_

 **"We need a mascot for our great kingdom. Thus, I have came up with the most ingenious idea." Cao Pi holds up a banner featuring a phoenix on it. " Ultra Mega Chicken." Jia Xu and Sima Yi look at the banner with narrowed eyes.**

 **"Sir... That's a phoenix." says Jia Xu.**

 **"And that's not funny." adds Sima Yi.**

 **"Ultra Mega Chicken!"**

 **"Phoenix."**

 **"Not very funny punchline."**

 **"How about a dragon?" suggests Jia Xu.**

 **"Those Shu bastards took the most badass animal and it had to be the dragon!"**

 **"Well, how about the kirin?" Sima Yi's eyes widen when Jia Xu said that and quickly adds,"No. No. The kirin is an abomination of nature and Wei is not that." He shifts his eyes nervously.**

 **"Huh... Maybe you're right. Sure, keep the phoenix. What Wu got was a tiger. Ha! The tiger would lose to the dragon and phoenix!"**

 **"Then you two agree with the Ultra Mega Chicken?"**

 **"Sure."**

 **"Not funny."**

 **"Alright. We got a kingdom. Next order of business is to beat up Sun Quan."**

 **"Why?"**

 **"Because he's a nerd and we need to put nerds in their place. No offense to you two. You're good nerds. That are mine to boss around."**

 **"But, it seems rather premature to just attack-"**

 **"We will give a wedgie he'll never forget. Let's go."**

 **"Arrrgh... Sure. Go ahead. We'll wait."**

 **"Uh-uh. You two are coming."**

 _ **Cao Pi sets off to try to bully Sun Quan and meanwhile, Liu Bei was PISSED that his heavily sun-burnt deity figure had been destroyed. He swore revenge on Sun Quan and marched his men to his kingdom. On the way, something happened.**_

 **Zhang Fei stumbles along the path drinking out a giant flask.**

 **"Hic! Uggh... f*bleep*in' f*bleep*in' f*bleep*in' Wu bastards... Hic! Killed me best bro...! We were bros! Super bros! We could have had a video game after our bro-i-ness...! Bllllrrraggh!" He pukes all over a random generic and he groans in disgust.**

 **"Dude! Not cool!"**

 **"F*bleep* you, I'm drunk and sad!"**

 **"F*bleep*wad! Your mother shoulda killed your ugly ass after you were born! Because abortions aren't a thing here yet!"**

 **"Whadasay?! I ougtha..." He gives the generic a huge slap to the face.**

 **"Oh right! You have no mother!"**

 **"ARRRGH!" He punches the generic, sending him flying up into the air.**

 **Later...**

 **The same generic complains to another one,"Man, that Zhang Fei is a f*bleep*ing s*bleep*head."**

 **"I know."**

 **"He should die."**

 **"Whoa... That's some harsh words you're sayin' here."**

 **"He should! Piece of s*bleep* won't be missed."**

 **"In the Romance, he's a hero. I read it."**

 **"F*bleep* that! Let's kill that motha*bleep*er!"**

 **"He actually did f*bleep* some mothers..."**

 **"Yeah! Kill him!"**

 **"What about his son-"**

 **"Ah, he doesn't have his personality. That's what matters."**

 **"So, we're killing him?"**

 **"F*bleep* yeah."**

 **Two shadows appear over Zhang Fei as he slept in his bed. A knife appeared in both of their hands and they strike down to splatter blood onto the floor.**

 **"Uggh... He soiled himself..."**

 **"Forget the body. Take his head and let's rendezvous down to Wu."**

 **"That sounds gay."**

 **"This whole series is gay! The Romance makes it even gayer!"**

 _ **Yeah, he died too. Liu Bei was pissed as well about his death. He now has sworn ultimate revenge on Sun Quan and that he would *bleep* *bleep* *Bleeeeep* *bleep* *bleeep* a goat and stuff his body into it.**_

 **"That bastard killed both of my brothers!" angrily exclaims Liu Bei as he storms the path. Zhuge Liang catches up to him and tells him,"Well, not exactly for Zhang Fei... He was a total asshole that got what karma had waiting for him."**

 **"He didn't deserve it! His alcohol problem was to blame!"**

 **"Yeah... sure... And who kept pouring down that alcohol down his throat? You? No... Me? No... Him? Oh yes."**

 **"Sir! You must reconsider! Sun Quan was the one who funded your Kickstarter to kick Cao Cao's ass!" announces Zhao Yun when he runs up next to the two.**

 **"I don't care! He must pay!"**

 **"But-"**

 **"No! No buts! All of you are my bitches! You will listen to my words!"**

 **"Yeah... right... Good luck with winning this..."**

 **Over in Wu, Lu Xun sits at a table holding his head while shutting his eyes.**

 **"Come on... curse... Come... here... I'm opening my head to you..." Zhou Yu's spirit was right there, but he was busy reading a book labelled, "So You're Dead: Ways to Cope with Your New Life (Haha, "Life")".**

 **"Hm... I wonder... if I kill Xiao Qiao when she reaches my age, could I have ghost sex? I don't seem to have a penis due to this wisp here... Is that the thing I'm supposed to use for sex? Are ghosts allowed to have sex? Let's turn to page fifty and find out... Aw."**

 **"Hey, hey, hey! Zhou Yu! Yu! Yu!" called out an annoying voice.**

 **"Ugggh..."**

 **Sun Ce appears as a ghost with a loud poof.**

 **"Hey! Look at us! Dead, but still rocking nice faces! Hahaha! Do you think we can reenact that one movie where you sexually make clay pots with your still-alive girlfriend?"**

 **"You mean'Ghost'?"**

 **"Yeah!"**

 **"...Hm...Ah, I don't even have the parts anymore."**

 **"Hello." Lu Su appears next to Zhou Yu and he loudly groans.**

 **"Really? Is this ghost thing given out like candy in Heaven?!"**

* * *

 **The scene switches to up in the clouds with Nu Wa playing on a cloud computer with Fu Xi approaching her asking,"Hey, sis. There's some more guys here that died and I'm just wondering if they are allowed to become ghosts and whatnot. You cool with that?"**

 **"Not now! I'm wrecking people as myself!" Nu Wa was playing as her incarnation in the game Smite. "Man, I wish I can rain fireballs as my musou..."**

 **"So, about this-"**

 **"Just put 'reply to all' and 'yes'."**

 **"Sure..."**

* * *

 **"Come on, it's not that bad. I mean, we can all be best friends for eternity now."**

 **"Oh goody..."**

 **"Hey, guys. What'd I miss?" Lu Meng appears also, drawing another exasperated groan from Zhou Yu.**

 **"You killed a future Buddhist deity! How in the world did they let you in here?!"**

 **"We're not Buddhist."**

 **"Right... Who else is going to appear suddenly?"**

 **"Hello, guys! Are we having a party here or what?" Huang Gai appears and Zhou Yu questions,"Um... Aren't you still alive?"**

 **"Really?! Then... Huh, must be having another stroke-Yup, it was. G'day." He disappears. Lu Xun begins to bang his head against the table repeatedly while yelling hysterically.**

 **"Get out of my head! Get the voices out of my head! I've made a terrible mistake! GET OUT!" He stops to breathe heavily before grabbing a lighter to burn himself. He then turns to a curtain and begins to light it on fire. Laughing manically, he sets everything on fire while screaming for the voices in his head to stop. Zhou Yu sighs as smoke surrounds him.**

 **"Maybe I should have sat a little farther from him..."**

 **"Dear god, I didn't know he could hear us!"**

 **"He has a knack for hearing dead people. Unfortunately, he's too young to understand it, thus he..."**

 **"Expresses it through burning s*bleep*."**

 **"Damn it! Damnit! DAMNITDAMNITDAMNIT! Please! This curse is too much! Please spare me, curse!" Zhou Yu angrily yells at him even though Lu Xun couldn't see him,"THIS IS WHY I KEPT YOU LOCKED UP IN A CLOSET! And now you're going to kill yourself!"**

 **"Yes, dear Satan overlord-sempai-sama!" Lu Xun breaks through a window and runs through a grassland, setting it on fire with just his very being. Zhou Yu shakes his head and slaps his forehead.**

 **"Sun Quan! You'll pay! AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Liu Bei continues to yell as he rushes into the red armies. Zhuge Liang and Zhao Yun pretend to make an effort as they followed behind him.**

 **"Look at us! We're hleping!"**

 **"Yeah! Oh, look! 50-kill-I mean-knockout streak!"**

 **"SUUUUUNN QUUUUUAAAAN!" Liu Bei glows a yellow-ish aura and breaks down the gate into a camp. Gan Ning and Ling Tong jump from above to confront him.**

 **"Eeeeeyyy! Gringo! You want some more of some my bullets?"**

 **"Haha, this little green is not going to get past our bodies."**

 **"HRRRRAGGGH!" Liu Bei pushes them with one large slash of his sword. He begins to spark electricity from his body as prepares another powerful slash for them.**

 **"Ay, ay, ay! What's gotten into him?!"**

 **"It seems he is angry."**

 **"Angry? About what?"**

 **"Something... Actually, why are we fighting this? We could just go home and watch some novellas."**

 **"That sounds pretty good! I want to know if Rosa got with Juan!"**

 **"HHHRRRAGH!" Liu Bei leaps onto Gan Ning and stabs his two swords into him. He electrocutes him with the swords sending electricity into his body.**

 **"AYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAEEYAYAYGAGAHAGAHH!"**

 **"Take that, Sun Quan!"**

 **"I'm not-GAGAGAHGSARAHJHHFDSJKTATATATYYAE!"**

 **Liu Bei then jumps off to leave behind a charred pile smoking on the ground. Ling Tong flinches and is about to retreat when Liu Bei grabs his scarf and pulls him back. Bright light and sparks followed by screaming happens.**

 **Meanwhile, more screaming was being made as Lu Xun runs through the land setting the grass on fire. He continues until he gets to see the Shu armies.**

 **"More grass to burn!" Lu Xun runs by the soldiers and they are set on fire. From a cliff, Zhu Ran is looking through binoculars and sees that Lu Xun was burning the Shu armies.**

 **"Well, mates. That's our signal." He takes out his bow and shoots fire arrows towards that area along with a few more archers doing the same. Everything was covered in fire by the time they finished unloading their fire arrows.**

 **"Hot! Hot! Hot!" Zhao Yun fans his arm as it caught fire and Zhuge Liang is seen running away from him.**

 **"Hey! Get back here! We need to rescue-"**

 **"Your job! Not mine!"**

 **"Fine." Zhao Yun runs into the camp Liu Bei had gone in earlier and finds him throwing a charred body off to the side.**

 **"We have to escape!"**

 **"NO! I must have my revenge! REVENGE!"**

 **"What the hell's wrong with you?"**

 **"I need the blood of more Wu soldiers on me! I must sacrifice more to satisfy my bloodlust for-Kmph!" Zhao Yun stabs his whole arm into Liu Bei's abdomen and he falls down onto his other arm.**

 **"There we go. Nighty-night."**

 **Zhuge Liang makes it out of the fiery parts of the map and looks on the map to his right.**

 **"Hm... looks like he got him." A red dot chases after a blue dot. "It looks like that Lu Xun's chasing him. I have to stall for those two... Or I could just run for my own life-" A voice echoes within his head,"No,no,no! You will stay there and help them escape!"**

 **"Come on, Laura Bailey! They're losers!"**

 **"Stop calling me that! And understand who dragged us out of the projects!"**

 **"First of all, that hut wasn't part of the 'projects'. It was independent housing."**

 **"Sure, we were living off of welfare and ate from whatever the farm was about to let grow on its partially-fertile soil."**

 **"We had plenty to eat! In fact, before we ever joined Shu, we actually had food! Not instant noodles! Also, how the heck are you able to talk to me like this?"**

 **"Because we all have telekinesis for talking to each other."**

 **"We have phones!"**

 **"Those old phones can't call anything unless it's another old phone!"**

 **"Right, this is much more cooler. So, Yue Ying... What do you suggest here before Liu Bei and Zhao Yun become some roasted chickens? Which reminds me: I've never had chicken for the past five years, what's up with that?"**

 **"That's your job. I'm just here to advise you since I'm not allowed screentime here."**

 **"...Hm... Lu Xun is a stupid kid... What will stop a stupid kid?"**

 **"Mazes?"**

 **"Ah-ha! This is why I love you!"**

 **Liu Bei is being carried by Zhao Yun as hes runs away from Lu Xun having fire on his hands. He throws fireballs at Zhao Yun, but he dodges and throws dust in his face when he got too close.**

 **"Arrrgh! Get back here! You're the enemies Lord Satan says to kill!" Zhou Yu floats behind shouting to Lu Xun,"I'm not Satan! You misheard me! Zhou Yu! It's Zhou Yu!" Lu Su appears next to him and comments,"With the paychecks you give out? Yeah, you're Satan, alright."**

 **"Those paychecks were reasonable!"**

 **"I should have organized a union before I died. Oh well, too late."**

 **Zhuge Liang brushes off his hands and marvels at this giant building he had before him.**

 **"There! Within minutes, I created this lovely labyrinth! It will twist the brains of any genius!" He sees Zhao Yun running in the distance and he calls out to him,"Hey! Hey! Help me here!"**

 **"Oh, Zhao Yun. Go into here, it will protect you."**

 **"Oh, thank god!"**

 **Zhao Yun runs into the entrance and Lu Xun follows him into it. Zhuge Liang enters the labyrinth and sees that Lu Xun is caught hitting random statues inside.**

 **"Oh my god! Oh my god! What the hell is this?! Keep away! Away!" He throws fireballs, but they do not damage the statues. Soldiers appeared out of the walls and Lu Xun finds himself hitting wave after wave of infinite amounts of soldiers.**

 **"What is this?! Something more powerful than Lord Satan?!"**

 **Zhuge Liang walks by him and chuckles,"You are trapped within my creation. Now suffer!" He jumps back to dodge Lu Xun's fire punches and stands on top of a statue. Music begins to play and he begins to sing.**

 _ **You remind of the babe**_

 **The statue he is standing on sings back,"What babe?"**

 _ **The babe with the power**_

 **What power?**

 _ **Power of voodoo**_

 **What do?**

 _ **You do**_

 **Do what?**

 _ **Remind me of the babe**_

 ** _I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry_**

 ** _What could I do?_**

 ** _My baby's love had gone_**

 ** _And left my baby blue_**

 ** _Nobody knew_**

 **The soldiers and statues began to sing along with him as the chorus.**

 ** _What kind of magic spell to use?_**

 **Slime and snails**

 **Or puppy dogs' tails**

 **Thunder or lightning**

 _ **And baby said**_

 **He points to Lu Xun flinging wildly at the enemies around him screaming,"AAARRRGH! GET AWAY!"**

 **"Dance magic, dance!" Zhuge Liang jumps off the statue and has the statues march around Lu Xun while singing that one verse.**

 **"Dance magic, dance!"**

 _ **Dance magic, dance!**_

 **"Dance magic, dance!"**

 ** _Dance magic, dance!_**

 **"Grrr! Screw you, David Bowie!" angrily shouts Lu Xun. "But I can't hate Jim Henson! I feel the hate escape me..." Zhou Yu tries to punch him him even though his fists go right through his body.**

 **"Come on! Just blow this place up! Don't let the 'dance magic, dance' verse get to you!"**

 **"Um... Right! I have to navigate through this!" Lu Xun charges up a fireball in his hands and he lets it get bigger as he continues to scream into it.**

 **"Looks like my music number didn't get to him." says Zhuge Liang. "Fine, the two blokes already escaped. My job is over." He takes out a remote and runs off to press it, letting the statues explode all around Lu Xun. This doesn't stop Lu Xun from charging up his powerful fireball and once Zhuge Liang gets out of the maze and to the escape route, a giant blast erupts from the labyrinth.**

 _ **Liu Bei lost many men from the fire plan that Lu Xun had used upon him. He lost the battle and is forced to retreat to his castle back home where he is suffering from Sudden Plot Illness.**_

 **"Koff! Koff! Huuuuh..." Liu Bei lies in his bed with Zhuge Liang sitting beside him and Zhao Yun standing next to the bed.**

 **"How did this happen?" asks Zhao Yun.**

 **"I don't know... You stabbed a hole into his body to knock him out, but yeah... I don't know what happened either..." replies Zhuge Liang sarcastically.**

 **"Look... my friends... I'm not going to make it."**

 **"So... What happens when you die then?"**

 **"When I die, I am going to put my son on the throne."**

 **"Oh, your son is still alive? Huh, I thought he died from neglect."**

 **"If he is too stupid to do his job, then I leave everything to you, Zhuge Liang."**

 **"Excuse me...?" Zhao Yun shouts,"Wait a minute! Say what?! You leaving EVERYTHING to him if Liu Shan is too stupid to rule this state?! You can't leave everything to-" Zhuge Liang interrupts him,** **"I would be honored to be technically emperor of Shu if Shan over there is a piece of s*bleep* of a leader."**

 **"Excellent... Ah, I can see the light..."**

 **"Yes, yes... Keep walking to it..."**

 **Liu Bei closes his eyes and lies still. Zhuge Liang quickly gets up from his seat and calls,"Liu Shan! Get your emperor hat ready! Your dad's dead!" Zhao Yun asks him,"Shouldn't we at least bury Liu Bei first?"**

 **"Oh yeah... Go do that."**

 **"How did he want it? Cremated or just the whole thing in the ground?"  
**

 **"Ah, just burn him."**

 _ **Liu Bei passed away not long after he lost that battle. He left his son to take the throne. Yes, the son that he almost killed by throwing him off like a piece of garbage. Yeah, he's in charge of the state now. But, he was was just as useless as Yamcha and this let Zhuge Liang do what he wants and his first order of business is to go attack Wei.**_

 **Zhuge Liang looks at a map upside-down and points at a square to order Zhao Yun,"Go here and just capture as many camps as you can."**

 **"Don't we need to worry about the other-"**

 **"Just do it."**

 **"Fine."**

 ***stereotypical Asian accent* "Hey, guys. If you need an Asian guy to help out, I'm Asian. I'm also Asian." said Liu Shan.**

 **"Sir, you stay behind. That's why we appointed Zhang Fei's daughter as your wife guard."**

 **"Well, I can just stay behind and be Asian."**

 **"Good for you, sir."**

 **Zhao Yun goes into a camp and captures it when Wei soldiers ambush him along with Jiang Wei.**

 ***Canadian accent* "Stop right there! I shall hit you and run away myself to avoid any awkward moments between us."**

 **"Oh, I knew it! I told Zhuge Liang something's gonna happen, but noooooo I have to listen to him like a little biiiiitch. Anyway, I'm going to beat you up."**

 ***three loud thwacks later***

 **"I am defeated! I will retreat and leave you this nice gift for your trouble!" Jiang Wei drops a basket of gold on the ground before running away from Zhao Yun. Zhao Yun goes over to the drop and absorbs it into him,"Sweeet... XP was included too."**

 **Zhuge Liang appears on the bottom of him in the form of the battle log.**

 **"Hm... I like him, please offer a job with Shu to him for me."**

 **"Say what?"**

 **"He's Canadian. I like Canadians."**

 **"But-!"**

 **"He could get us all the maple syrup we could ever want for our pancakes! Or waffles if you're that kind of person."**

 **"Fine."**

 **"We need to confuse him to the point he just goes to our side out of pity."**

 **"How do we do that?"  
**

 **"Hmmm..."**

 **Jiang Wei returns to a generic with "Ma Zun" floating above his head.**

 **"Hello, sir. I failed in defeating Zhao Yun, so I simply ran to avoid creating any inconveniences for him."**

 **"Say what? You were supposed to continues to try and kill him. Are you trying to protect him? Are you on their side?!"**

 **"Huh? I just didn't want to cause trouble, that's all."**

 **"There's gonna be trouble if you don't march your Canadian ass back out there and do your job!"**

 **"Okay."**

 **Jiang Wei turns right around and runs back the way he came. He chases after Zhao Yun again before getting defeated. He returns back to the city, but couldn't open the gate.**

 **"Ello? Can you please open the door? It's rather chilly out here." Ma Zun pelts Jiang Wei in tomatoes while yelling,"Traitor! Traitor! You're exactly like your French counterparts!"**

 **"Eh?! I didn't anything! Ow!"**

 **"Out! Out!"**

 **"Oh well. Here's a-Gah!" A tomato lands squarely onto his face. "Wow, you are a rude person. In fact, you don't deserve this gift." Jiang Wei runs away from the tomatoes and goes back to face Zhao Yun again.**

 **"I surrender! Here's a gift for my surrender!" Jiang Wei bows down holding another basket and Zhao Yun holds up the red "That was easy' button and presses it.**

 **Zhuge Liang appears again in the log,"Great. Now let's go beat the Wei forces up." Jiang Wei then says,"Do we have to?"**

 **"Yes! You're on our side now, thus you must follow my order!"**

 **"Okay."**

 ***A hour later***

 **Jiang Wei is repeatedly kicking the corpse of Ma Zun while also saying "sorry" with every kick. Zhuge Liang says to him,"Okay, that's enough sorry-s. He's gone now."**

 **"Okay. Now what?"**

 **"We will go kick more Wei ass."**

 **"Really?"**

 **"Cao Pi's trying to beat up Sun Quan, but I don't know how's he doing."**

 _ **He did horrible.**_

 **Cao Pi is running away covered in bruises and cuts. He was getting chased by a torch-wielding Lu Xun.**

 **"Burn the witch! Burn the witch!"**

 **"What the f*bleep* is this bulls*bleep*?! I got beaten by a Satan-worshipper-pyro! My cousin's such a loser to fall for that s*bleep*!" Jia Xu and Sima Yi are running by him snickering,"Hehehe... It was the Battle of Shiting."**

 **"Wait, we can say it like that?" asks Jia Xu.**

 **"You have to say it like 'shur' to get past the censors." replies Sima Yi.**

 **"Shiting. Shiting. Hehehehe!"**

 **"You two! It's all your fault!" exclaims Cao Pi.**

 **"Actually, it was yours-"**

 **"You two are on Shu duty." The two groan loudly and flipped him off secretly.**

* * *

 **[Jiang Wei does sound pretty Canadian.]**

* * *

 **Zhuge Liang has a stick and is prodding Jiang Wei in the stomach repeatedly. He complains,"Why aren't you producing maple syrup?!"**

 **"I need to go back home to actually get some. The stuff they have here is just high fructose corn syrup and sugar."**

 **"Are you saying Wei has the luxury in having real maple syrup?! Man, now I really want to invade them!"**

 **"Well, I did have a business in selling that before getting drafted into the army."**

 **"Give me your product."**

 **"That's all at home."**

 **Cao Pi angrily yells at the crates being placed before him.**

 **"Why are you fools giving the syrup to me?! I don't even eat the thing that requires these!"**

 **"But you require taxes, right?" asks a generic.**

 **"Syrup doesn't count! I don't want it! Send it back to that Canadian bastard!"**


	12. Read this or I'll take your soul

**_Cao Pi is suffering something and dying only after a few years or something. He calls his most trusted adviser, and by that meaning, the only strategist left in the Wei kingdom after Jia Xu died from a case of being too old for this s*bleep* off-camera._**

* * *

 **Jia Xu is sitting in a table when the spirits of Xun Yu and Guo Jia appear on either side of him.**

 **"It's your turn..." They both said in a spooky voice, causing Jia Xu to fall off of his chair in surprise. He quickly gets up and looks around frantically.**

 **"I need to stop smoking that stuff! Who's there?!"**

 **"Come on... You don't remember me...? It makes sense for you to forget Xun Yu, as he is pretty much older than dirt."**

 **"Jia Xu's the one that's older than dirt! Born in bloody 147! He could have met Jesus Christ by then!"**

 **"Anyway, let's go." Guo Jia reaches over to grab Jia Xu's arm, causing the arm to glow a similar hue as his own arm. Jia Xu screams as the glowing hue spreads up towards his shoulder and tries to escape, but he gets dragged down into a portal that takes him to the other side before he could do any of that.**

* * *

 **Cao Pi lies in a bed looking sickly pale as Sima Yi jots down on a notepad.**

 **"Okay... You leave your kid on the throne and I have to babysit him... Great... I have my own kids, you know."**

 **"My kids come first, got that? And Jia Xu died this week, so that leaves you. He didn't even leave a note, that bastard."**

 **"Yeah, sure. I wonder if that means I can bang the mom..."**

 **"Damn this stupid Sudden Plot Illness! I was becoming a main character!"**

 **"You were never one from the start. You didn't get a death scene in DW7."**

 **"Yeah, I instead get a rape face from you. Those fanfictions are all your fault, rapist."**

 **"Gh! Come on! It wasn't to be taken like that! It was to foreshadow Wei's demise-I mean-I was trying to be creepy!"**

 **"You fail at that since you're a nerd and look like David freakin' Bowie!"**

 **"I do not look like David Bowie!** **How about this: YOU look like David Bowie."**

 **"What?! No! What the hell?! I am much more manly than that thing!"**

 **"Really, huh?"**

 **"You know who looked like David Bowie the most? Xun Yu. And he had a British accent to seal in the deal."**

 **"Oh yeah... Huh... Heheheh, he did look like David Bowie." The two began snickering at that thought and then started to laugh loudly. Xun Yu appears near them with an angry look on his face.**

 **"I do not look like David Bowie! In fact, I think Guo Jia's the one looking like David Bowie before his untimely death." Guo Jia appears next to him right when he said that and comments,"No, I don't! You do!"**

 **"Guess what, wanker? You're blonde and look ambiguously homosexual, so thus you are the most David Bowie-ish."**

 **"That doesn't count. All of us beardless men look ambiguously homosexual."**

 **Cao Pi stops laughing and begins to say worriedly, "Oh my god... I think I'm at the end of my rope to the point I can hear Xun Yu getting mad at us for calling him David Bowie."**

 **"Now, sir. Xun Yu is dead. Dead people can't talk." said Sima Yi. "I mean, if he were some spirit floating around here, he could at least toss a lamp to lighten the mood. All in all, he is just sipping Heaven tea and eating Heaven crumpets."**

 **"They don't even have that..." mutters Xun Yu.**

 **"Well, sir. Are you done now with your will? Would you like to just sleep until your ultimate demise?"**

 **"That sounds like a good idea. Hopefully, I will be awake in the arms of many cloud women." Cao Pi closes his eyes and Sima Yi takes out the so-called Millennium Rod to slowly go over him with the pointed end pointing downwards. Xun Yu floats over to him and asks,"Um... I think that's mine... Why do you have after you indirectly murdered me with it?"**

 **"Oh, hello, lost one. I was just planning to add another friend to your journey."**

 **"You are still thinking that thing was the Millen-"**

 **"It WAS the Millennium Rod. You lied to me, but you got what you deserved in the end for lying to me."**

 **"So you just grabbed every dead strategist's weapon for the sake of that...?"**

 **"Well, Guo Jia's Millennium Lamp Post was useless. It doesn't even offer torture or slow deaths. Just poof! You're dead! That f*EFF!*ing sucks ass."**

 **"Have you ever tried working the balls?" comments Guo Jia.**

 **"I do not know... I lost them when Shi and Zhao used them for football."**

 **"Those are not meant for football!"**

 **"Uh, yes they are. They are very round, thus it's football."**

 **"Um... I think he means the football that does require you to kick a ball around." says Xun Yu.**

 **"That's even worse! Those things are made out of the same stuff you make those zen meditation balls out of!"**

 **"Have you SEEN my younger son? He would break both you's spines if you were still alive. Wait a minute! Get out of my face! I need to finish some business!" Sima Yi is about to plunge the staff into Cao Pi's chest, but the other two's hands grabs his arms and restrain him for doing so.**

 **"No way in hell are you going to do that!"**

 **"This is your former boss' son here!"**

 **"He doesn't even have much longer to live! This is good for him! How are two ghosts stronger than me?!"**

 **"I've taken pole dancing lessons!"**

 **"I...-what?"**

 **"Oh god... I am really sanitizing that lamp post once I get home..." groans Sima Yi.**

 **"...Oh... That... It's good exercise! Screw you guys! And I never used that for it!"**

 **"Just to be sure... Got ya!" Sima Yi plunges the staff into Cao Pi's chest as the two were distracted. "You have a new buddy to join you two in the afterlife!"**

 **"Goddamn it! I was too distracted with the idea of Guo Jia-Urrrgllagh!" Xun Yu sticks his tongue out when the thought crosses his mind. "It's both disturbing and seemingly fitting!"**

 **"Alright, you two. Get out of my face. Your job's done here."**

 **"You won't get away with this!"**

 **"Ahahaha... Is there a Ghostbusters line I can call to get rid of you two? Or I can just ignore you..."**

 **"No, you won't!"**

 **"Okay! Now to say hello to my new boss and tell him his daddy's dead." says Sima Yi happily while ignoring him. "Hopefully, he will drop dead faster than his father."**

 _ **Cao Pi passed away and left his son, Cao Rui to the throne. The boy gave Sima Yi power to help him out since he was still a kid then. Meanwhile,**_ ** _Jiang Wei had defected from his kingdom to Shu thanks to Zhuge Liang "persuading" him. Zhuge Liang has his head up in the clouds and decides to try to take more s*bleep* from Wei. He even has one of his students help him out, only to fail miserably._**

 **Yue Ying looks at the selection screen and sees herself being a playable character.**

 **"Finally! I get screentime! Jeez, I am just wasting my time in here." She finds herself in the camp and sees Zhang Bao and Guan Xing interacting.**

 **"No homo."**

 **"Yeah, no homo."**

 **"Brah, we're totally not homo, right?"**

 **"Yeah, brah. We're no homo."**

 **"We're men. Of course we're not homo."**

 **"Yeah, no homo."**

 **"Bro."**

 **"Hm?"**

 **"No homo."**

 **"Yeah, brah."**

 **Jiang Wei approaches Yue Ying politely greeting,"Ello. Do you need help with anything?"**

 **"That's the fifth time you asked."**

 **"Okay. I will be over there." He walks off and Zhuge Liang goes up to her. He warns,"There is a gay clown that took Ma Su hostage. We have to save him from being molested. I'm counting on you to help out Jiang Wei and those two lovebirds there get him back."**

 **"Sure."**

 **"This will go smoothly, okay?"**

 **"Of course."**

 **"After this, will you PLEASE get a chicken?"**

 **"Ye-What?"**

 **"I want chicken."**

 **"...Don't you get chicken-"**

 **"I like your chicken."**

 **"I'm flattered, but that seems un-"**

 **"I want chicken."**

 **"Fine..."**

 **The battle starts with her running up the mountain and beating up all the generics in the way. Once she gets to the top, she breaks open the gates to walk in on Zhang He talking on a cell phone. Ma Su was tied up near him.**

 **"Yeah... I think I'm going to be home late... Sorry, dear. Yeah, I love you, too. Okay. Okay. What the-?" He quickly hides the phone when he sees Yue Ying.**

 **"Am I interrupting something...?"**

 **"...What did you hear?"**

 **"Oh, it's fine... Nothing wrong with you and... whoever was on the other line..." A feminine voice is heard on the phone,"Sweetie? Who's that? Are you cheating on me?" Yue Ying's jaw drops and she exclaims,"WHAT?! You have a girlfriend/wife?!"**

 **"What? Why are you so surprised-" He gets interrupted by the phone and he quickly goes back to it to quickly say,"There's just this woman I have to beat up in order to make her lose this game. Goodbye, see ya tonight!" He hangs up and holds his claws.**

 **"Okay, prepare for your insides to be turned inside-out."**

 **"Oh no!" She turns to see Jiang Wei running towards her waving,"I'm coming! I can help you!"**

 **"Yes! Come here! Help me!" When Jiang Wei got to Yue Ying, she grabs his hand and swings him upwards.**

 **"Ahhh! What are we doing?!" He glows white and turns into a giant scythe that Yue Ying brandishes right in Zhang He's face.**

 **"I'm going to take your soul now."**

 **Zhang He blinks before chuckling and pointing,"Ah-ha! I get it! You're voiced by her and she also did... Ah-ha...! I see what you did there..."**

 **"What? Stop laughing!"**

 **"Oh well, I have to do my job... Sorry about this." He charges towards her and Yue Ying has her scythe turn into a huge glowing crescent shape. She yells out,"Clown-Hunt Slash!" Zhang He's eyes widen and attempts to stop himself, but he gets cut down by the massive slash.**

 **Zhang He has been defeated!**

 **Ma Su's ropes fall off and he thanks Yue Ying,"Thank you! I will go back to Zhuge Liang now!" He runs off and Yue Ying lets her scythe return to its human form. Jiang Wei looks around frantically while questioning.**

 **"What happened?! did I die?! I'm sorry if I died!"**

 **"You were a crappy Death Weapon. I need to use Zhang Bao for full power." Right when she said that, Guan Xing and Zhang Bao catch up to them.**

 **"Hey! Brah! I'm here! Aw! You got rid of the homo clown! Hehehe... homo clown." Yue Ying, without hesitating, grabs his hand and swings him upwards to turn him into a scythe.**

 **"Let's make sure Ma Su has a safe trip." Guan Xing looks in awe and yells,"Oh my god! Are you-*twack*" Yue Ying hits him hard and runs after Ma Su.**

 **Over on the Wei side, Zhang He stitches back on his face as Sima Yi scolds him,"How the f*EFF!* did you lose to a ginger woman?!"**

 **"She Soul Resonated!"**

 **"Fine, go ahead. Make up the fact she's an anime character. That'll help us out in this battle. Huff... Boys, let's go finish what this clown couldn't even start." Sima Shi and Sima Zhao follow his lead towards the Shu main camp.**

 ***TFS Goku voice* "Dad, does Mom know you're taking us out here?" asks Sima Zhao.**

 **"Phht, I told her you two are at college."**

 ***partial British accent* "I fluffed my pillows just in case." adds Sima Shi.**

* * *

 **Zhang Chunhua sees the fluffed pillow on a bed and she mutters,"Really? A freakin' fluffed pillow? I have f*bleep*ing scholars as cousins. I deserve better than this s*bleep*."**

* * *

 **"It is foolproof."**

 **Back on the mountain, Yue Ying escorts Ma Su through dangers set up by Wei officers. Up ahead, Guo Huai is aiming through his cannon's cross-hairs and gets Ma Su in it.**

 **"Steady... Steady...Now!" He shoots, but Yue Ying whacks the large bullet hard enough to make it turn right around and go back to Guo Huai.**

 **"Oh, crud..."**

 ***BOOM***

 **Yue Ying runs past the large explosion and gets Ma Su safely down the mountain. She easily sends Xiahou Ba into the air without him saying any lines when he pops out in front of her. Once she gets to the camp, she runs right into the Sima unit. Sima Yi points at her and yells,"There! Kill the ginger kid!"**

 **"That seems like you're being a bully, Dad." says Sima Zhao. "Gingers have souls, too."**

 **"This one takes souls!"**

 **"She strangely looks like Mom. Dad, are you hiding something?" asks Sima Shi.**

 **"She just shares her model! That's nothing! All women look the same anyway!" When he finishes his shouting, Sima Shi and Sima Zhao had been defeated by Yue Ying. Yue Ying goes after him, but he blocks her scythe with one hand.**

 **"Jeez, now how am I going to explain to their mother about their injuries? A ginger woman sliced them up? Do you know how much bull that is?"**

 **"What the-?! How is this possible?! This should cut right through you!"**

 **"Aw, excuse me then. Here you go." He uses his other hand to charge up a black orb and a black box engulfs Yue Ying. The black box disperses to have her receive multiple slashes to her person.**

 **"Arrrgh!" She is about to collapse, so she holds herself up with the scythe. Sima Yi laughs and says,"You're no the only one around here that can use outside abilities! Now, where is that Ma Su...?"**

 **Ma Su has reached the camp!**

 **"Aw, are you joking me? Fine then, I will leave this battle to you people. I'll go kick your asses another day." He retreats, leaving Yue Ying to return to main camp. She lets her scythe return to being Zhang Bao and watches Ma Su being approached by Zhuge Liang.**

 **"Sir... I failed... I'm so sorry...!"**

 **"I forgive you... But my Tommy gun don't!" Zhuge Liang aims a machine gun at Ma Su and unleashes a barrage of bullets onto him. Ma Su fals to the ground dead and Zhuge Liang yells, "Failure! Piece of crap couldn't save himself from a gay clown! He needed Yue Ying to go bail him out! That's just sad! And about the chicken..."**

 **"Sorry. I was too busy saving him. And you threw out a day's work!"**

 **"Damn it."**

 **Over on the Wei side, Zhang He asks Sima Yi,"Hey, is it okay if I made a personal call? It seems this ended pretty early and I want to tell my wife I'm coming home a little early." Sima Yi's jaw drops and he exclaims,"THE F*EFF!*?! What did you just say?!"**

 **"What...? Why are you-Oh no... Did you honestly think I was-"**

 **"No, no! It's fine! It's perfectly fine! I just thought... well..."**

 **"What?"**

 **"Errrr... Nevermind."**

 **"No, say it. I dare you."**

 **"...I thought you were... gaaaay..." He nervously grits his teeth as he says that.**

 **"Oh, I have a girly face and speak in a high-pitched voice. That makes me automatically gay. Never thought I was working for a homophobic prick."**

 **"No, no! It's fine! I am perfectly fine with... those kind of men... Yeah..."**

 **"You kind of look gay yourself. I'm questioning on how you have a smokin' hot wife while looking like that."**

 **"Shut up! We just happen to meet by chance!"**

 **"I think I see some mascara in your eyes."**

 **"...Get out. Go die in that forest over there." Sima Yi says coldly.**

 **"Fine! I will leave your command! I can't be taking orders from a hypocritical homophobe David Bowie look-alike!"**

 **"I don't look like David Bowie! You know what? Fine! Go do it!"**

 **"Fine! I'mma do it!"**

 **"Fine! Yeah! Go for it!"**

 **"Fine! I'm doing it!" Zhang He makes a mocking march towards the forest up ahead and Sima Yi hears loud noises indicating arrows being shot. Zhang He's voice is heard shouting, "PLAYED OUT SKYRIM MEME!" Then the forest goes silent and Sima Yi shifts his eyes left and right before running off.**

 **"I'm pretty sure his wife name's was Chuck." He mutters.**

 _ **Ma Su failed hard and payed the price. Oh well, he was useless. Zhuge Liang then tried to fix this problem by invading another piece of land called Chencang. He had the kiddies of the late alcoholic bastard Zhang Fei and the son of the heavily sun-burnt deity figure do this job for him.**_

 **"Bro! We're gonna do this hard in the ass, bro!" exclaims Zhang Bao.**

 **"Yeah, brah. Let's do this hard!" excitedly exclaims back Guan Xing.**

 **"How about you two just stop yelling and giving away our position?" asks Xing Cai. Liu Shan slowly appears from the side,"Do you need help from an Asian guy? I'm Asian. I'll be here if you need an Asian guy." Xing Cai pushes his face away and drags Zhang Bao by the ear out into the battlefield.**

 **"Stop touching each other's dicks and let's go do our mission!"**

 **"Come on, bro!"**

 **"I'm not your bro."**

 **"Come on, sis!"**

 **"No, we cannot lose this battle or else it's on all of us!"**

 **A messenger yells out,"Okay! We can go into the castle using their sewage system! We did a little digging and it sort of got poop everywhere... But you could still go through there!" The three made disgusted expressions before entering the secret passage reluctantly.**

 **Zhang Bao, Xing Cai, and Guan Xing crawl on all fours as they go through a giant rusted pipe and into watery waste.**

 **"Ugh, now I know what it is like to be my lunch when it poops out of my ass..."**

 **"Phrasing! Just hold your breath and hope no one gets to us here."**

 **"Ugggh... I got s*bleep* all over my new jacket! Do you how many heavily sun-burnt deity figures I had to sell in order to buy this?" groans Guan Xing.**

 **"I got s*bleep* all over my cheese-grate-able abs that are exposed with my bro-p top!"**

 **"How would you even pronounce that...?" asks Xing Cai.**

 **"Bro-p top? It's a crop top for bros. It's not gay in any way."**

 **"Yeah, I got that knowing your dialogue."**

 **"Ah-ha! Found you pests!" yells out an enemy random generic on the other side of the pipe. Xing Cai slaps her hand on her forehead and flinches when it had waste on it.**

 **"Uggh! Oh come on! This cannot get any worse!"**

 **"S*bleep*ball!" Guan Xing gets a giant lump of brown substance from the side of the pipe and throws it at the generic's face, making him stumble back in disgust.**

 **"AAAAAHHH! UUUGGGGH!" The generic runs off wiping at the poop on his face, letting those three get out of the pipe and infiltrate the castle. They easily do that as Guan Xing kept throwing brown balls at generics' faces and allowing them to run right past them.**

 **"S*bleep*ball! S*bleep*ball! S*bleep*ball!" were the attack moves were being used during the taking of the castle.**

 **Meanwhile, Guan Yinping and Yue Ying are leading the siege weapons when Guan Yinping suddenly says,"Can't I just use my anime girl super strength on this castle gate?"**

 **"What? No, that would be entirely unrealistic. Let's just use these just as unrealistic siege weapons to slowly eat away at the gates."**

 **"I think I like my way better." Guan Yinping walks away towards the castle and puts on hand on the wall. The walls crack and fall apart and the entire thing collapses onto itself. Yue Ying raises a weak fist,"Yay... We got it... And you killed my weapon!"**

 **Inside the rubble, Xing Cai and Guan Xing were unharmed. Zhang Bao, on the other hand, had a giant piece of wall on him. He groans and reaches towards them.**

 **"Arrgh... Help... me..."**

 **"No!" Xing Cai goes over and kneels down to him. "Don't you die on me! I take back on how you sound like Johnny Yong Bosch!"**

 **"He does though." comments Guan Xing.**

 **"Ah, I get that a lot..."**

 **"We're having a heart-felt moment! Let us have it!" Guan Xing stands for a moment before flinging a brown lump at Zhang Bao's face, damaging his single point of health left.**

 **"S*bleep*ball."**

* * *

 **[Yue Ying is just Dynasty Warriors Maka.]**

* * *

 **The scene shows a house with loud beating, Zhang Chunhua's scolding,Sima Yi's screaming coming from it.**

 **"I can't believe you let our sons get beat up! This was their first time out in the field, and you just let them out where the danger is!"**

 **"Ow! Ow! They didn't even die! They just fell unconscious!"**

 **"Next time, I'm going out there to make sure they don't experience the same embarrassment again!"**

 **"They're grown men! And how in the hell are you going to make a difference in the army? What? Are you going to expect men to just surrender out of their growing boners? They'll stab your ass back to Hong Kong before you can nag them to death."**

 **"Well, that's your job not to let that happen."**

 **"This whole conversation is meaningless as you are turning me on right now with your yelling and hitting."**

 **The beatings get louder and his screams become more agonizing.**

 **"You know what? I'm just going to speak with Lady Fu. She doesn't hit me to the point it's no longer arousing and doesn't talk back."**

 **"Oh yeah, f*bleep* the woman who is suspiciously named after your younger brother.** **"**

 **"At least I have an alternate body to f*EFF!*!"**

 **"'Alternate body' is right! She's a bloody sex doll! As in the plastic inflatable kind!"**

 **"You're right! She is a doll in sex!"**

 **"You're an idiot!"**

 **"You're a woman!"**

 **"You can just go to hell!"**

 **"Already there!"**

 **"F*bleep* you!"**

 **"F*EFF!* you!"**

 **"F*bleep* you!"**

 **"F*EFF!* you!"**

 **"F*BLEEP* YOU!"**

 **The area goes silent before Sima Yi breaks it with,"Forget Lady Fu. My room. Ten minutes."**

 **Sima Shi and Sima Zhao are covering their ears while loud grunting noises and moaning are being heard throughout the whole building.**

 **"Dear god... Why are our houses' walls so thin?!"**


	13. Worst Battle Ever

_**At some point, Zhuge Liang decided to try to talk to natives about working with the holy land of Shu. Of course, the native dude didn't care for his explanation and tried to kill his ass. He gets his own ass kicked and this repeats for about seven times.**_

 **"You, go try to talk to the half-naked primitive folk." Zhuge Liang orders Zhao Yun.**

 **"I don't even know how to talk to people like that!"**

 **"Fine, I'll send Yue Ying out with you too. Is that better?"**

 **"You honestly trust me with one of the only women around here? Me, a handsome dude that also debunks the Asian stereotypes in terms of their penis size?"**

 **"Phht, yeah. She has standards.** **I will also send Jiang Wei since he needs to be held by the hand by a motherly figure at all times."**

 **"This motherly figure uses him as a weapon."**

 **"You have no motherly figure. Why should you care?"**

 **"That's cold, man..."**

 **Zhao Yun, Jiang Wei, and Yue Ying stand in the middle of a tribal-like camp site with Meng Huo and Zhu Rong standing before them. Zhao Yun begins to say slowly,"Hell-lo... We... come... in peace... Our leader... Wants to help you... We also want... You to help... Us." Meng Huo turns to Zhu Rong and they speak in a foreign/fake language.**

 **"Na ku yog uhga opa lok bastardeds?" _Can't you believe these assholes?_**

 **"Oka oh jo impa togo jiha dekill." _Let's just kill them and be over with this._**

 **"Nuh... Uyrt mu kiuh poi der... Ju heh kol fer." _But... It will get the ground all dirty with their blood._ _I don't like that._**

 **"Guh qut thu puka acev cet?!" _Then what the hell are we supposed to do with them?!_**

 **"Kio-" _Just-_**

 **"Yuo jugh 'kio gu cet frev hert', ju ku cet asdu acev lkp bone op ku qwerty." _If you say 'just hit them very hard', I will jam this bone up your ass."_ **

**"Ooh, fiftyshadgrey!" _Ooh, kinky!_**

 **"They have such a beautiful language." comments Jiang Wei.**

 **"Alright, they won't bother with us. Let's just go home. It stinks in here."**

 **"Wait a second! You dare disrespect the Great King?! Guys, get them!" Meng Huo yells.**

 **"Oh my god! You speak English-Ah!" Zhao Yun blocks off attacks from Nanmaan soldiers and is forced to run away with Yue Ying following behind carrying Jiang Wei like a weapon.**

 **"Okay... You three failed to talk to the leader and now he is coming here with his giant barbarian army?" asks Zhuge Liang to the three in the camp. "Well, isn't this lovely?"**

 **"Sorry, I might have said something about... I don't know... I forget what I said back there."**

 **"I just said they had a beautiful language." adds Jiang Wei.**

 **"Anywho, we need to put up some defense before they come. Zhao Yun takes the entrance, you two take the back entrance and everyone takes the middle."**

 **"How about I just confront those guys?"**

 **"Phht, good luck." Zhao Yun runs off and a few minutes later a battle log saying Meng Huo being defeated.**

 **"Oh. That's good then..." Zhao Yun returns by tossing a bound Meng Huo to Zhuge Liang.**

 **"Ow! Watch the belly!"**

 **"Hello, barbarian. Would you like to work with us-"**

 **"Go to hell! I'm outa here! Nrrgh!" He moves around to try to break the ropes, but to no prevail. Zhuge Liang casually says,"Okay, we'll let you go." Zhao Yun exclaims,"What?! Why?!"  
**

 **"DO IT." Zhao Yun groans and unties Meng Huo for him to speed out of the camp laughing.**

 **"Suuuuuuckers!"**

 **"For a fat guy, he runs fast."**

 **Later, Zhuge Liang gets a notification on the battle log about Meng Huo coming back to attack him again.**

 **Meng Huo: Come on! Let's go get them again!**

 **"Here he comes again..." Zhuge Liang gets up from his chair and goes to the entrance to watch the army coming the distance. Meng Huo is nearing him and he holds up his hand simply to blast him away with a beam. Meng Huo's yelling becomes less audible as he flies into the distance. The yelling then becomes louder as he rushes back towards the camp, but Zhuge Liang shoots him again with another laser. He flies back to the horizon again only to try and run back again. Zhuge Liang sighs and for the third time, shoots him with a laser that has him going back the way he came.**

 **"You done?"**

 **"Ahhhhhh!" Meng Huo speeds into the camp and tries to land a flying kick on him, but he fails with another laser to the face. This repeats for two more times and Meng Huo weakly crawls back to the camp on his seventh defeat.**

 **"...Huff... Huff..."**

 **"You done now?"**

 **"Yeah... Please don't wipe me out like the Native Americans."**

 **"Oh, don't worry. I am just to ally Shu with you, that's all. That's what I wanted to say to you, but you wanted to kill first, ask questions later."**

 **"Oh."**

 **"Now who's the asshole here?"**

 **"Still you."**

 **"Are you going to my friend or what?"**

 **"Fine. I get free stuff from you, right?'**

 **"...Yeah. Sure."**

 _ **Meanwhile in Wu...**_

 ***cricket noises***

 **Lu Xun pops up holding a torch while yelling,"Burn the witches!"**

 _ **Okay, nothing was going on there. After beating on some natives, Zhuge Liang tries to again go after Wei with everyone he knows to help out. But, there is someone in his way that won't let him do that.**_

 **Zhuge Liang looks through a pair of binoculars facing the direction of the Wei main camp. He mutters,"Okay... if we destroy the purple lighthouse in the distance-Ooh, who's that? She's hot. And knowing this area, there are barely any women."**

 **Across the battlefield is the Wei main camp with Sima Yi just standing there. He looks around before proceeding to pick his nose in boredom.**

 **"Dad." Sima Shi says it so suddenly that Sima Yi accidentally stabs the inside of his nose in surprise. He jumps holding his bleeding nose and turns to him,"Don't do that!"**

 **"Dad, people are talking about Mom in a nasty way."**

 **"Why are you telling me?! You go teach those soldiers a lesson if it bothers you this much!"**

 **"Isn't the patriarch's job to punish those who disrespect his family?"**

 **"...Are you joking me? Just deal with it yourself! From now on, you act on your own."**

 **"Okay." He walks away, leaving Sima Yi to look at the night sky with a face in thought.**

 **"Hm...The stars say a bitch's dying today. Ooh, I can't wait." Sima Zhao goes over to him,"Dad, how long are we just sitting around? I think I'm seeing some soldiers thinking about getting hand-sy with Mom."**

 **"Heheheh... Don't worry, I am always the one that will get hand-sy with her. If they do try to that, then they'll lose those hands."**

 **"I'm right here and yet you talk like that!"**

 **"Oh, do you want me to tell you on all of the things I had done with her? Because I can do that with no shame at all."**

 **"No..."**

 **"Then shut up. I'm not giving you a freebie."**

 **Zhang Chunhua walks up to Sima Yi clutching herself and shaking.**

 **"It's so cold here... Would it kill you to get me a coat or something?!"**

 **"You have those two things there on your chest. Those things are two giant hand warmers, basically. On that subject, can I warm my hands on those?"**

 **"I can't be walking around in this!"**

 **"But you are."**

 **"This is the ONLY thing you will let me wear! Other than a nightgown, this is my only piece of clothing in my wardrobe!"**

 **"Oh fine, do you want me to take you into my tent and-"**

 **"Nothing that would involve you taking off your pants!"**

 **"Hm... Well, I got nothing."**

 **"Your ass better cater to my needs in the next ten seconds or else this battle will end in a Shu victory!"**

 **"Oh, you would dare... They've never won anything and you want to just GIVE them a victory? You're a bitch indeed..."**

 **"Well, where the f*bleep*'s my coat then?"**

 **"..." Sima Yi turns to Sima Zhao and gestures to his upper clothing.**

 **"Take it off."**

 **"But it's cold up here and I have very sensitive nipples!"**

 **"You don't even have any. Take it off. You're a man and men don't need upper clothing during these times."**

 **"You have two layers on!"**

 **"I'm the patriarch, mother*EFF!*er. When you're the patriarch, you can wear all the f*EFF!*ing layers you want."**

 **"Fine..."**

 **The view switches back to Zhuge Liang with Jiang Wei and Yue Ying.**

 **"Okay, this is the final battle. Whoever wins this will take all."**

 **"Yes, sir!"**

 **"I guess I have to use him for a weapon now..."**

 **"If it all turns out well, then the state will prosper. If it doesn't... Then prepare to be f*bleep* hard in the ass by Wei."**

 **"We will win this! We just have to!"**

 **"Yes, dilute yourself into thinking victory is possible. It may be the only thing useful in this battle. Go, my bitches."**

 **Back to Wei side, Sima Yi is facing the opposite direction and says out loud,"If we win this, then my world domination plan can be set in motion. If we don't, then I can say goodbye to my easy life and back to being a slave to the courts. Ahhh... I have to make sure that happens. I really have to. Then that means I have to really motivate the men. And motivation is what I must have." He slips his pair of orange triangular sunglasses and dons a red cloak.**

 **"Alright! Deng Ai! Where are you, you son of bitch?! We're starting this battle with a bang!"**

 **Guo Huai: If Deng Ai's Simon, does that make me Yoko?**

 **Sima Yi's sunglasses shatter to pieces to reveal bloodshot eyes and his grin turns into a frown. He coughs and cries blood while yelling out,"NO! YOU'RE NOT F*EFF!*ING YOKO! Oh god! That image! UUUGGGGH!"**

 **Wei Yan runs with Ma Dai in the eastern side of the map.**

 **"Ay, mate. Keep those disgusting animal pictures away from me!" exclaims Wei Yan after Ma Dai had defeated a generic with his 'art'.**

 **"Hey! It's art! Don't judge me!"**

 **"I've seen better art in my toilet bowl! And it was filled to the brim with spiders!"**

 **"I'd like you to try drawing naked anthropomorphic animals!"**

 **"I can draw a dick on your face! Because that's what you are!"**

 **"Screw you, man!"**

 **"I could care less about you hipsters! Disgusting pieces like you should be drowned at birth!"**

 **"F*bleep* you!"**

 **"Oh, lookie 'ere. Failing artist using a swear! How adorable! I've killed people like you."**

 **They run into the camp where Deng Ai was waiting for them still arguing. Deng Ai shrugs his shoulders and begins to rev up his giant drill.**

 **Sima Yi: Hahahaha! Go! Your drill will pierce the enemy ranks! And also the Heavens if we want to go that far!**

 **Deng Ai holds up the drill to have it increase in size to the point it is larger than him.**

 **"Giga Drill BREAKER!" Deng Ai aims for the two as they continuing to argue. They look to see Deng Ai coming at them with an over-sized drill.**

 **"...Oh..."**

 **"...Crud..."**

 **Jiang Wei and Xing Cai see two figures flying across the sky as they were on the western side of the map.**

 **"Oh no! We have to hurry since those two failed their job!"**

 **"Wait! We have to retreat!"**

 **"Why?!"**

 **"Because... well... those people look very strong for us..."**

 **"Come on! You took this position because you didn't want to become Yue Ying's Death Weapon!"**

 **"Right! Let's go!"**

 **Once Jiang Wei and Xing Cai reach near the walls of the main camp, Jiang Wei says weakly,"Okay, Sima Yi! Come on out! We have... cake! And maple syrup!"**

 **"Let me!" Xing Cai takes a deep breath and begins to shout profanity at the walls.**

 **"You *bleep* *bleep* of a *bleep* *bleep* *bleeep* *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* son of a *bleeep* whore *bleeeeeeeeeeeeep*!" She continues for a few minutes, all in bleeps.**

 **Sima Yi: Wow. Just. Wow. Chunhua, this girl beats your record for most profanity targeted towards me.**

 **Zhang Chunhua: Really? Including *bleeeeeeeeeeep* *bleeep* *bleeep* *bleep* *bleeep* Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* ?**

 **Sima Yi: Hehehehe! Anyway! This is nothing! Just who the hell do you think we are?! We won't take this! Get some guys to beat the s*bleep* out of that bitch!**

 **Over on the Shu side, Zhuge Liang looks through a pair of binoculars and makes tsk-ing noises.**

 **"Damn, I didn't know he was a reference to an overly hyped anime in disguise! I guess I might need to pull some strings..."**

 **Jiang Wei stands there listening to Xing Cai still hurling profanity at the wall.**

 **"Um... I think that's enough..."**

 **"Haha! Coward! Coward! Chicken! Bawk-bawk!" The gates shift around to open up to have Sima Yi standing right in front of the two. He grins and yells out,"Let's see you grit those teeth!" He throws a right hook into Jiang Wei's cheek and that sends him flying away.**

 **"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! AHHHHHH!"**

 **"Hahahaha! Loser." The gates close with a loud boom, leaving Xing Cai to drop her jaw.**

 **"...Okay... I do think we need to retreat..."**

 **Everyone has retreated and Zhuge Liang paces back and forth while in the main camp. He shakes his head and then he stops to say to Jiang Wei,"We need to take some measures."**

 **"What measures?"**

 **"Look, we're on our wit's end and... Grr! I'm not losing to a hyperactive manchild!"**

 **"Well, what do you say we do?"**

 **"Hmm... I'll think about it..."**

 **On the Wei side, Sima Yi laughs manically and shouts,"Looks like those little guys are runnin' with their tails between their legs! Come on! Let's chase after them! Those little bastards need to understand what death feels like!"**

 **"Are you sure?" asks Zhang Chunhua.**

 **"What are you, my mom? Of course I'm sure! I also never enlisted you as my adviser, so why should you care?"**

 **"Okay... Sure. Just go. I'll be here and-"**

 **"Hehehehe! We're chasing after them! Get the kids! Let's have some family bonding by stabbing the life out of Zhuge Liang and his lackeys!"**

 **"Yeah! Let's murder people!" happily shouts Sima Shi. "I call the Canadian one down there!"**

 **"Aw, I wanted the Canadian one..." groans Sima Zhao.**

 **"Did someone say 'murder' and 'Canadian' in the same sentence? I'm in." says Jia Chong. Sima Yi hits him and shouts,"No! You're not family! Go f*EFF!* yourself."**

 **"You know what? I'm going to go do just that." He turns to walk back into the main camp as the Simas set out.**

 **"Let's go! Some people are just dying to kill here!"**

 **Zhuge Liang is still thinking as Jiang Wei looks at the map worryingly as a large stream of red is coming towards them.**

 **"Sir! Sir! They're coming!"**

 **"Uh-huh... Coming... Wait, what? Get everyone! Put up a defense! I have to escape!"**

 **"Too late!"**

 **The Wei officers rush the camp and surround him. Sima Yi walks towards him wearing an evil grin on his face.**

 **"Okay, between the eyes or ribcage? There's the option of both."**

 **"Okay! Okay! I screwed up bad! Is it too late to defect?"**

 **"...Really? No. Of course not! I just met you!"**

 **"We met in many places!"**

 **"Really? I don't recall."**

 **"Back at Chibi!"**

 **"Doesn't count. Was not a valid place for me to be in."**

 **"Then I got nothing."**

 **"Good. Nighty-night, man I don't know very well, but could've sworn laughed in your face once." He is about to stab his flail into him, but Zhuge Liang blocks it using his fan.**

 **"Not... Not yet! Do you think I'm just going to roll over and die?"**

 **"Yes. Yes, that's what I thought you would do."**

 **"Anyway, I challenge you to a battle."**

 **"What kind of battle? With our fists, the weapons, or whatever you have in mind?"**

 **"Well, it's a 'best man wins' sort of thing."**

 **"Okay. I can totally win that since I am a man."**

 **"Ha, you make me la-GAAWH!"**

 **A fist interrupts him and he goes off flying. Sima Yi chases after his speeding body and adds in a roundhouse kick. Zhuge Liang continues to shoot across the area until he lands back-first into a tree trunk.**

 **"Koff! You didn't even let me-" Sima Yi kicks him again and lifts him up to begin repeatedly punching his face.**

 **"Ow! Argh! Stop-Ogg!"**

 **"Can't hear you!"**

 **"This isn't fair!"**

 **"I work for the government. How in the world did you assume me going by the rules?" He winds up for another punch, but Zhuge Liang grabs his hand and flings him onto the ground.**

 **"Argh! This isn't supposed to happen...! Okay... You want to play..." He easily gets up and whistles with his fingers. A horse is running towards him and it runs into Zhuge Liang. He is knocked upwards and Sima Yi uses his hang time to shoot an energy blast at him.**

 **"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"**

 **He fails to die and falls to the ground charred black from the beam. Zhuge Liang weakly gets up and says,"If you strike me down, I will become more stronger than you could ever be..."**

 **"Um, you would be a corpse in the ground."**

 **"Hehehehe... You fail to understand the power of the Romance..."**

 **"Ew."**

 **"Not that! The book! The one that calls you an asshole and me a god!"**

 **"Ohhhh... How's a book stopping me from killing you?"**

 **"This isn't canon!"**

 **"Hm..." Sima Yi looks up at the sky and sees a star weakly shining. He looks back down with an evil grin. "Maybe I should go by the original material then?" He aims a finger towards the sky and a giant beam shoots out from it, going towards the weakly shining star.**

 **"The book says you died by your star falling right?"**

 **"Wait! You can't-!" The beam hits the star, causing it to disappear. Sima Yi then runs away, leaving Zhuge Liang to yell after him,"What did you do?!" He looks up and sees a giant white ball falling towards him.**

 **"Here's a science lesson for you!" Sima Yi cackles as Zhuge Liang gets up to use his hands to hold back the star. His feet get pushed into the earth as the star is crashing into his hands.**

 **"Nrrrrrrgh! This cannot be happening! I'm supposed to win! I'm the good guy!"**

 **"Well, I'm the good guy too. Depending on which side you're playing as."**

 **The sun's extreme heat burns Zhuge Liang's hands as he holds back it. They become scorched flesh within seconds and eventually burn away. He makes one last agitated scream before having the star collapse onto him, causing a huge shockwave through the land. When the dust cleared, a giant creator remains where he last stood.**

 **"Well, that's that. Hopefully Shu will fall apart after his death."**

 **Jiang Wei: No! The prime minister has fallen! I swear on my life that I shall avenge him! I must train hard for the upcoming battle!**

 **Yue Ying: No way...He's dead... Wait, that means I'm single! Yeah! Wait, how old am I? Ah, I can lie.**

 **Ma Dai: Did I hear a woman becoming single? I'm available!**

 **Yue Ying: Ew, no.**

 **"Oh god, they're breeding!" exclaims Sima Yi.**

* * *

 **[Guo Huai is totally Yoko.]**

* * *

 **Sima Zhao sighs as he approaches a tent. He looks around and asks,"Hey, where's Jia Chong?" Sima Shi replies,"He is probably trying to summon Satan again."**

 **"Are you sure? Because I swear the last time we saw him was after Dad telling to go f*bleep* himself."**

 **"And that's what he was doing." The two stood there before finally making faces of disgust.**

 **"Wait, I saw him coming out of Mom's tent when we came back."**

 **"So..." They hear Zhang Chunhua exclaiming,"OH GOD! IT'S EVERYWHERE!"**


	14. Jin is killing hookers

**_Shu lost again at Wu Zhang thanks to the spirit of Wei and the leadership of Sima Yi and some others. Or, if you are in the Shu story: Shu lost at Wu Zhang due to the super evil powers of Wei and Cao-something and Sima Yi. It doesn't matter a lot really since you, the player, have unlocked a secret kingdom. You will help this secret kingdom destroy everything, you monster. **A** nd there's. NOT. A. THING. YOU. CAN. DO. TO. STOP. IT. The Jin kingdom is the killing hookers part of this game!_**

* * *

 **"Dad! There's this dude that says he doesn't want to listen to the kingdom anymore!" exclaims Sima Zhao. Sima Yi gets up from where he was sitting and says bluntly,"Let's kill that bitch."**

 **"I'm also engaaaaged!"**

 **"Yeah, yahoo. Let's go kill the bitch."**

 **"What?! Don't murder my fiancee!"**

 **"Oh, she's a bitch, too. Okay, she can come along to kill the bitch."**

 **"Cool!"**

 **"Did you knock her up yet?"**

 **"No..."**

 **"Do it. Knock her up like I did your mother."**

 **"Ew! Stop! Why are you always referring to my mom like that?!"**

 **"Because I can. Now, chop chop. We have some bitches to kill."**

 **"Don't you want to meet her-"**

 **"I'll see her when we get out there."**

* * *

 **Sima Yi is inside the camp and sees Wang Yuanji off in a corner with Sima Zhao.**

 **"The f*EFF!* is up with her hair?"**

 **"It's blonde." simply replies Zhang Chunhua.**

 **"Like yours."**

 **"No, it isn't."**

 **"Hm... I feel like I might have met someone blonde before... Did I ever...?" Guo Jia's spirit appears for a moment behind him saying a simple,"Hey".**

 **"Finally there's another girl here. I swear I thought I was becoming a man myself from this sausage fest."**

 **"Please don't ever do that. I need something to *EFF!* at my beck and call."**

 **"Huff..."**

 **"Anyway, you're in charge of the guns and catapults of this place." Her eyes light up and she asks,"Excuse me? You're leaving me with siege weapons?"**

 **"Yes."**

 **"...Of course, my dear..." She turns around to grin about her new power. "...I'm surprised you didn't even make a single joke about the fact I'm a wo-"**

 **"Hope you can actually hit something, hahaha!"**

 **"Compared on how you shoot your load, I think my aim would be better than yours."**

 **"Ooh-hoo-hoo! Talking back! I'm going to go now, watch my head when you shoot."**

* * *

 **As everyone goes out to battle, a rock almost hits Sima Yi. He jumps away and yells,"Hey! There are some rice crops around here and you just caused two families to starve to death here! Watch where you're hitting!"**

 **Zhang Chunhua: Ohhhhh, I'm so sorry, dear... I'll be more careful... Please don't get mad with me...**

 **"Good."**

 **Gongsun Yuan: Hahaha! You'll never catch me! Say no to government! Yes to free range!**

 **"You already annoy me. I'mma leave these small fry to you kids while the adults can talk alone. You're okay with that, boy?" He asks Sima Zhao.**

 **"Okay, Dad. At least I can spend some quality time with my brother and wife."**

 **"Your brother's already spending quality time with your wife."**

 **"What?"**

 **Sima Shi displays his sword before Wang Yuanji bragging,"Cold, hard 5-feet's worth of steel. Now, Zhao's is about three feet max. Can we have sex now?"**

 **"What the hell, man?! Not cool!" shouts Sima Zhao.**

 **"This is why I favor Shi over you. He has my methods of courting a woman."**

 **"You make sexual jokes and hump the nearest thing to a vagina!"**

 **"Well, that's me. Shi has more class than that. He's more to the point. And that's both a good and bad thing."**

 **"He would tell me on how he had to watch you and Mom make me."**

 **"Oh, we told him to go to his room, but he stayed there. He thought we were wrestling."**

 **"Oh god..."**

 **"Good luck here. I am going to go up there and give that bitch a piece of Wei's spirit."**

 **Sima Yi pushes away soldiers and officers until he reaches the enemy main camp with Gongsun Yuan inside of it. He dodges another rock that was aimed at him.**

 **"Miss! Hit the guy that is not devilishly handsome!"**

 **Zhang Chunhua: Whoops... My bad...**

 **More rocks began to rain down from the sky and Sima Yi dodges most of them. The rocks that did hit him only got him in the shoulder or grazed his back. Gongsun Yuan exclaims,"Global warning is a hoax! See this?! Rocks will hail from the sky and kill us all-GAARGH!" A rock lands on his head, killing him.**

 **Over in the center of the map, Sima Zhao keeps pushing Sima Shi away from Wang Yuanji as he kept getng too close.**

 **"Dude! Get your own wife!"**

 **"If Dad can just simply walk up to a woman and mate with her, then I want to that too."**

 **"That's different! Dad's a sleezeball!"**

 **"A successful sleezeball."**

 **"Okay, that and-"**

 **"You two stop this. I am not some object that you can fight over." finally says Wang Yuanji.**

 **"Since this is second century China, yeah, you are."**

 **"Well, looks like someone is not getting their mouth present."**

 **"Can I have a mouth present?" asks Sima Shi.**

 **"When it's New Year's, maybe."**

 **"No! What?! Then it makes it less special!"**

 **"Fine, whoever wins next battle gets a mouth present."**

 **"Okay!"**

 **Zhang Chunhua: Go purchase some mouthwash first. You know what? Take some of my bottles.**

 **"Oh god! I don't need that image in my head!"**

 **"You and me both."**

* * *

 _ **A bitch gets put down and Sima Yi is back to a boring life. He realizes he is getting too old for this s*bleep* and decides to let his sons do the work for him. Because, they're like clones of him and people can settle for that, right? Also, a fellow government official named Cao Shaung is trying to be a Sima and decides to go try to fight Shu.**_

 **Sima Yi tells Sima Shi and Sima Zhao,"It seems Cao Schlong is trying to fight Shu. Oh well, get you two's asses out there."**

 **"Why?"**

 **"To go watch him fail! And laugh when he's not looking."**

 **"Oh, that is funny. I want to go now." comments Sima Shi.**

 **"But... Daaaad... Cao Schlong's a... dick..." says Sima Zhao.**

 **"Yes, he is. He's a dick. So, bye. Don't write to me."**

 **"Oh hell no are you sending our sons out to go fight again!" complains Zhang Chunhua. "They don't need to be constantly out there. Maybe you can just send Zhao and keep Shi here, then it might be good enough."**

 **"Now, dear. If they don't go out there, who will?"**

 **"Other officers."**

 **"Phhhhtahahahaha. We're main characters. We have to do this."**

 **"Oh no! You two are going to stay here and continue your doctor-lawyer-scientist degrees."**

 **"But Mom..."**

 **"Those kind of people get executed around here..."**

 **"Yeah, when you're a corrupt official, it pays way more than that bulls*bleep*." comments Sima Yi. "Who needs a degree?"**

 **"You have one... In political science..."**

 **"And see where that got me? Nowhere. Until Cao Cao came into my life, I was destined to be a nobody. Be glad I took that job."**

 **"I kept nagging you to get it since you knocked me up and we needed money."**

 **"Don't belittle my independent decisions! The men can go out whenever they want to."**

 **"I don't want to go." says Sima Zhao.**

 **"You're going."**

* * *

 **Sima Zhao is transported to a camp, much to his dismay.**

 **"Aw man... I'm here..."**

 **"Hello, friendo." said a monotonous voice from behind. Sima Zhao turns around and sees Jia Chong staring off with blank dead eyes. A woman screaming (in fear, not a fangirl scream) could be heard in the background when he grinned.**

 **"Oh, hey..."**

 ***dark and raspy voice* "Your mom's here, not cool."**

 **"Say what?"**

 **"Your older bro too. Why don't you just bring the whole family here?"**

 **"My dad's resting."**

 **"The old man's slowing down finally, huh? Let's kill him."**

 **"NO!"**

 **"Okay, kill your bro first since social standards require the eldest to succeed the father."**

 **"Look man, I don't want to stoop that low. Besides, I don't want power."**

 **"You're crazy."**

 **"You're crazy!"**

 **"I have autism with a mix of ADD, you insensitive prick."**

 **"You said my mom's here, why is she here?"**

 **"Dunno. I guess you still need your mommy to hold your hand."**

 **"Shut up!"**

 **"She threw out my stash of weed and non-prescription pills. She must die, want to kill her?"**

 **"She'll kill me first..."**

 **"Pussy."**

 **"Look, I'm an adult. I have to stop doing that s*bleep* or I will just fall apart."**

 **"You know who's falling apart?"**

 **"Lalalalala! Mom! Jia Chong's being weird again!" Zhang Chunhua goes up to him and gives him a hard slap to the face.**

 **"You're an adult, start acting like one. Also, what adult man says 'mom'?"**

 **"Do I call you by your real name then?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Aw. Why are you here?"**

 **"If I can't keep you at home, might as well follow you."**

 **"But I'm an adult...Wait, how old are you?"**

 **"None of your business."**

 **"Seriously, how long have you been living?! Your skin is exactly the same as back when I was a kid! Why don't you age?!"**

 **"...Your father won't let me..." She whispers under her breath.**

 **Cao Shuang goes into the middle of the camp announcing,** **"Okay, losers! Let's go kick those green pansies back where they came from! Which is nothing!" He is very unique as his hat almost resembles a dick. "We'll hit them harder than how I f*bleep*ed all of my bitches back at my ballin' mansion! While having a ballin' party!"**

 **"...Wow, he is a schlong." comments Zhang Chunhua. "Now I get his nickname your dad gave him."**

 **"Look, his hat looks like a schlong too."**

 **"Sima Yi's hats look more like schlongs than his. But there are no jokes to make with his name."**

 **"And they're bigger."**

 **"...Heh." She smirks at that remark.**

 **"Oh no, one of my bitches got loose. Let me go apprehend her!" Cao Shuang goes over to grab Zhang Chunhua's arm and pulls her, but she plants herself on the ground.  
**

 **"I'm not one of your sex slaves!"**

 **"Don't lie to me! That thing you're wearing is something I make all my bitches wear."**

 **"...Oh... Where did you get them for your... ahem... women...?"  
**

 **"My grand pappy passed them to my daddy, and then to me."**

 **"...Oh... That explains it..."**

 **"Now, get out of here-"**

 **"I'm a mother."  
**

 **"Ew! Sloppy seconds!" Cao Shuang runs off with disgust on his face. Zhang Chunhua mutters,"...You didn't have to say it that way..."**

 **"Mom, what do we do now? Do we actually listen to him?"**

 **"Do it for now and once he slips up, you record that s*bleep* and upload it to NiTube." *Ni means 'you'***

 **"Ooh! I've gotta tell Shi about this plan! It'll be so funny that Dad will have to use technology to actually see the fail!"**

* * *

 **Sima Zhao runs with Sima Shi along a mountain-like passage following Cao Shuang. Behind them was Jia Chong and Zhang Chunhua. Jia Chong creepily tells her,"You know your heart's out there for the taking in that outfit?"**

 **"Did you know your virginity is NOT out there for the taking in that outfit?"**

 **"Chicks dig the teal."**

 **"Oh, you're straight."**

 **"Bitch, you just jealous of my emo warrior swagger."**

 **"Hey, losers! Help me get through this place!" shouts Cao Shuang. He points to a gate and orders Sima Zhao and Sima Shi,"Open it for me."**

 **"Of course, sir..." They break open the gates and Cao Shuang happily waltzes in only for those gates to quickly shut. Everyone else was still outside of the gate when they hear him crying out.**

 **"Help! Help! It was a trap!"**

 **Ma Dai: Haha! You fell for it! Now to kill you with my Non-BPA-and-asbestos-free paint!**

 **"You've gotta help me! I'm your commander! You better save me!"**

 **"Of course, sir..." Sima Zhao says while rolling back his eyes and lifts up his sword over his head to bring a giant slash onto the gates. It doesn't break open. Sima Shi is the next to try.**

 **"Let me." He readies his sword and yells out,"Getsuga Tenshou!" He then slashes a giant red and black beam at the gates, tearing them open. The beam is still going and hits Ma Dai as he was about to hit Cao Shuang. He is taken off the map by the beam. Cao Shaung returns to his cocky demeanor and says,"Good job! Now get rid of the rest for me!"**

 **"We should retreat..." suggests Sima Zhao. He gets an earful from the man that is about a foot smaller than him,"You do as I say! When I say kick Shu ass, we're going to kick Shu ass!"**

 **"Ah..."**

 **"Go, go! Go! Did I stutter?!"**

 **"Fine! Geez!"**

 **Cao Shuang runs ahead of everyone else and gets caught in another trap that was set up by Xing Cai. Xing Cai appears out of nowhere and catches him in a headlock. Cao Shuang shrieks like a girl and is begging in scrambled sobs.**

 **"Pleasepleasepleaseletmego!I'llgiveyouanything!Wantbeer?Younggirlslikeyoulikebeer!"**

 **"Wow. Just wow. I thought Wei was the big bad kingdom that kicked everyone's asses around. What happened?" She begins to talk in a voice you would use to talk to a child,"Aw, do you miss your daddy Cao Cao?"**

 **"He's my granddaddy, thank you!"**

 **"Oh, my bad..." She tightens the grip on the headlock and uses a free hand to roughly push on his head. Cao Shuang begins to sob loudly,"Huhuhuhu! I need an adult...!"**

 **"Is anyone getting this?" asks Sima Zhao quickly.**

 **"Already on it." Sima Shi is holding a phone recording the whole situation. Xing Cai releases Cao Shuang and pushes him into a puddle of mud before running off laughing.**

 **"Let's retreat!" Cao Shuang yells in a cracking voice, causing the Jin characters to snicker as they followed his muddy footsteps.**

 _ **The campaign led by Cao Schlong had failed and everyone laughed. In secret, of course. He has the power to make women widows and children lose fathers, so yeah. There was one person who laughed harder than the rest and decided to carry out his plan that he had spend his whole life on perfecting.**_

 **A messenger runs into an intersection of a busy marketplace and begins to look left and right. He takes the left and runs towards a gated community. He knocks on the gates and the gates open without anyone behind to open it. The messenger doesn't question this and continues to run into the property. He gets to the door of the house and the door opens for him as well. He calls out,"I request to speak with Sima Yi!" He is greeted with silence. The messenger searches everywhere until he gets to a room featuring an old man being bedridden.**

 **"Hello?"**

 **"Rrgh...?" He groans weakly before croaking,"Shiiiiiii! Something's in here!" Sima Shi runs in and knocks down the messenger not knowing he was there.**

 **"Yes, dear father?"**

 **"I smell a pest in here! Kill it like the rest." The messenger brushes himself off and corrects him,"Actually, I'm a person with a message from our great leader Cao Shuang." The old man lies there silent. He begins again,"Kill it like the rest."**

 **"Sir! Show some respect for the holy word of-"**

 **Sima Shi interrupts,"My father has the curse of not being able to hear you correctly. I hope you would understand."**

 **"Oh... I'm sorry... How am I supposed to get a message in?"**

 **"Well, come back later."**

 **"You sure? Cao Shuang really needs to get something in-"**

 **"Please come back later." He says a little more sternly.**

 **"Hmph. I'mma try get through to him." The messenger walks towards the old man, but he is stopped by the old man making gulping noises.**

 **"What's he doing?"**

 **"Mh... Mh..." The old man reaches with shaking hands for a cup to try to drink the water in it, but the water dribbles out of his mouth all over the floor. The messenger makes a green face and retreats back to the doorway with Sima Shi.**

 **"I'll come back later." He runs away and gets off the property. Once the coast was clear, the old man tears his cheek to rip off his face to reveal Sima Yi's still-young face under it. He wipes off water from his mouth and mutters,"Not one of my finest moments, but effective."**

 **"Ready to go, Dad?"**

 **"Yeah, let's go. Be sure to capture the state armory before anything else. I have something in there."**

 **"What is in there?"**

 **"None of your business."**

* * *

 **Sima Yi is standing before his family along with Wang Yuanji and Jia Chong.**

 **"Okay, I am not sure why, Zhao, you brought your greaser friend and this girl."**

 **"This girl's my wife! Why is Mom here then?"**

 **"Hm? She's not allowed to die and she'll take up RAM if we don't use her."**

 **"I'm pretty sure I died around this year..." points out Zhang Chunhua. Sima Yi concludes,"Then that means..." He points at her sternly,"...you're a zombie!"**

 **"...That's ridic-"**

 **"You're not rotting, so that means I can still use you. You're dead, which means you can't give life. That means you cannot produce anymore kids. If you can't produce more kids, I won't need to wear a condom..."**

 **"You never wore one nor ever seen one..."**

 **"...That means your lady parts work despite being dead... Ah-ha! Then I can easily throw out Lady Fu and continue to use you until your skin begins to show the color green!"**

 **"Oh no... I now really want to die!"**

 **"Haha! Too bad! Okay, now back to the real reason to why we're all here." Jia Chong comments,"You're gay. I called it."**

 **"...No... That's not what this is about..."**

 **"Are you sure? The purple and mascara just scream 'coming out of the closet'."**

 **"Hmph, you'd like that, won't you? Still, not it. Remember, Cao Schlong, people?" Everyone all nodded in agreement and Sima Shi holds up a phone with the video of Cao Shuang sobbing gibberish playing.**

 **"Hahaha! Still funny! Anyway, his time has come. We need to make sure China falls into the right hands."**

 **"I doubt China would like to be in your hands** **considering how you use them in your private time..." comments Zhang Chunhua.**

 **"Really funny. You've traumatized everyone here with the thought of me whacking off."**

 **"I wasn't talking about that... But I guess that works too."**

 **"Okay! Can we just go already?!" exclaims Sima Zhao. "I do not want THAT in my head! Just... eugh!"**

 **"You do that too."**

 **"At least I don't talk about it in front of everyone I know!"**

 **"Fine."**

 **The gates open and a messenger jumps in fear,"Oh my god! This group of six ordinary people is at the door! Without soldiers! I'm assuming they're rebelling! Siiiiiiiirrrrr!" He runs, arms flailing and wires grab his limbs before he could take off. He is pulled back and loud beating noises are made. Everyone goes through the gates that lead into the capital. Spies appear pointing fingers at the group.**

 **"I knew it! You people are here to take over this place!"**

 **"But you're not gonna!"**

 **"Take this!" The spies charge towards them and Sima Yi blasts at each one with a strong laser beam. A remaining spy points at him and shouts,"I knew it! You're an alien! They say I was crazy into believe that crazy hair dude, but I was right! Ah!" Sima Yi finishes him off without bothering to comment.**

 **"Boys, go take that side. Your mother and I will take this side."**

 **"I don't like where this is going..." says Zhang Chunhua. "You and me alone in a secluded area... Yeah... I'm going to try following boys and see if-"**

 **"Yeah, sure. Choose them over me."**

 **"That's exactly what I'm doing."**

 **"Too bad, you're coming with me."**

 **"Crap..."**

 **Sima Yi gets to the armory and is greeted with pyrocannons.**

 **"Oh my, they have this?! Since when was I not informed of their creation?!" The officer guarding the armory shouts at him,"You will not get your dirty hands on these babies!"**

 **"Those hands are dirty alright..." comments Zhang Chunhua.**

 **"Do you want to be stuffed into those barrels?! I can do that, you know."**

 **"Please do that. I am DYING to die."**

 **"Wait, you'd like that. I forgot. Nevermind."**

 **He kills the guarding officer and the armory falls to him.**

 **"So, what's in this you really want so badly?" asks Zhang Chunhua.**

 **"Ahahahaha, I'm glad you asked, dear Watson."**

 **"Again for the thousandth time, I'm not British."**

 **"Yeah, yeah. Watch pure awesomeness take flight."**

 **The ground shakes around their feet as a giant looming figure shadows over the two of them. Sima Yi laughs hysterically while shouting,"This is something those pyrocannons can't beat!"**

 **"What the hell is that?!"**

 **"In order to establish your position, you must go with the biggest and over-top display as possible! That's what a man does!"**

 **"You don't even look like a man! What right do you have to say that?!"**

 **"I have the penis to prove it! You have the two breasts that indicate your inferiority to me! Get in!"**

* * *

 **Sima Zhao runs towards the palace with Sima Shi, Wang Yuanji, and Jia Chong. Soldiers continue to scramble around yelling in confusion about the new threat.**

 **"How in the world are we letting a one-hit wonder band take us out?!"**

 **"Is that what we look like together?" asks Sima Zhao.**

 **"Hm... Angsty pale goth, two good looking guys: one neat-looking, the other you can't bring home, and an obligatory girl. We're basically the Black Eyed Peas here." says Sima Shi.**

 **"Aren't they...?"**

 **"You get the point. Now to find that Cao Schlong..." A soldier runs by with his arms flailing around,"Too bad Supreme Leader Cao Shuang is out on the town with His Majesty!"**

 **"He's..."**

 **"...Not here...?"**

 **"Wait, that's a good thing. We have to capture this place for Dad before he gets back!"**

 **"What are we waiting for? Let's kill some people. My slicing finger is itching to be used." says Jia Chong.**

 **"My father said not to date the guy with 'Sima' in his name... Hu... Now I see why..." groans Wang Yuanji. "I'm now in the family business of usurping and killing."  
**

 **"You have joined the finest of the finest for that stuff! How could you regret not being on the Simas' good side?!" exclaims Jia Chong.**

 **"You like that stuff, but I don't!"**

 **"You're just jealous because they gave you teeny-tiny knives for the jobs, right? I would be pissed if they just gave me that."**

 **"You carry hand axes! Those are the poster weapons for mass murdering!"**

 **"And that's why I love this job."**

 **When the four has reached the palace, it is captured and Xiahou Ba could be seen running away through one of the narrow walkways. Sima Shi stops him and asks,"Just where do you think you're going? We are just getting started."**

 **"W-What are you talking about? I was just... uh... Leaving! For... School!"**

 **"Silly Ba, everyone here knows you never went to school."**

 **"I am just going now! haha! Bye!" He runs away, and Sima Shi lets him run while watching a giant robot appear in the distance.**

* * *

 **The giant robot stomps out large masses of soldiers while breaking down buildings. It is bright red with what seems like a giant face on its chest along with having a main head. Sima Yi can be heard cackling from inside the robot's chest.**

 **"Too bad Deng Ai's isn't here to help out with this thing's weaponry. That drill would be the final nail in Cao Schlong's coffin!"**

 **Zhang Chunhua can be heard through the main head of the robot.**

 **"...I have no idea what's real anymore... I can just sit in here and just wait to die... But do I want to die inside this giant robot...?"**

 **"You're a zombie! You can't die! That's why I left you in there! That place will get the most damage!"**

 **"Oh good..."**

 **"What the hell happened here?!" loudly exclaims Cao Shuang as he appeared on the map. "Oh no...! Oh no...! He finally did it! Sima Yi! You snake! I will kill you in the name of our holy state!"**

 **"Oh hello, Schlong. Fancy meeting you here. Want to come here and let me deal with you?"**

 **"It looks like you are extremely powerful now! But...! I knew this would happen, so I had one made for myself! Men! Activate Plan No. 66!" The Schlong loyalists scatter around to bring in pieces of a robot to Cao Shuang. The pieces stack up onto each other to form a giant robot the same size as the one Sima Yi has. Cao Shuang is lifted to the robot's chest and is plopped into its cockpit.**

 **"Okay... Looks like we are not so special anymore... But, I guess this is what makes so interesting! I accept the challenge!" He pushes down on a lever and this makes his robot charge towards Cao Shuang's, but Cao Shuang presses a few buttons to make the robot counter the other's attacks. They lock hands while pushing on each other.**

 **"Give up!"**

 **"You first!"**

 **"You're not taking this capital!"**

 **"Oh, I'm taking this capital! What the-?! Why is this thing's power level only about half of what's it supposed power?!" He looks at a very specific meter featuring a human figure on it.**

Depressed and emotionally unstable woman as co-pilot

Please change to a hyper-active little brother figure as soon as possible

 **"Hey! What's going on up there?! If you put some more effort, then we can over-power Cao Schlong!"**

 **"...And what then?"**

 **"The world is mine, that's what happens!"**

 **"Knowing you, a world ruled by you would be hell. At least to women... Why should I even bother assisting you?"**

 **"Oh no... Are you seriously thinking about that right now?! What are you, Buzzfeed?!"**

 **"Heh... You're not white nor straight, so that doesn't apply to anything here."**

 **"What's this about? During the course of our marriage, you never acted like some angsty teenager! Well, maybe during the first few years of marriage was like that, but that was hormones for you! If you let this schlong win, we might as well be saying goodbye to our heads! So, for f*EFF!*'s sake, power up this bitch!"**

 **The meter has the human figure fill up halfway, only to stop there with the bright red message:**

Subject is half-motivated

Please replace with hyper-active little brother figure

 **"I don't have that! Come on! Schlong's pushing us back!"**

 **"...I can't... No matter how much I push it, I just can't muster anymore power..."**

 **"Bullsh*bleep*! I read the meter!" He pauses and begins to speak in a calm and softer tone.**

 **"...You want to know something? All those mean things I say are simply ways of showing my affection. If there's a day I say something genuinely nice, it means you f*EFF!*ed up in a way. And that's why I have never said anything nice throughout the course of our relationship. You never f*EFF!* up. Except that one time. And there. And that. But most of the time, you don't eef it up. That's something I hate about you."**

 **"...Wait... So all those of times I curse you out, you took it as a sign of affection...?"**

 **"Yes. It applies to you, you know. You never said one nice thing to me, so that means something to me."**

 **"So that means I have to take everything you say and change it to the opposite meaning?"**

 **"Heh, if that's how you want to process things. I'm sure all of those things you said before weren't that mean."**

 **"...But... They were actually mean..."**

 **"You don't know that.** **Now, take these words into that head of yours: 'If your fat ass slows us down, I'll leave you here to rot." A message appears over the screen.**

Translation: "Do this for me, please. We're together on this."

 **"...Heh." There are two levers on either side of her and she grips them hard. Back down at the chest part of the robot, the human meter fills up the empty half in seconds. With a determined pull, the robot easily pushes back Cao Shuang and knocks him back. Cao Shuang flies off his chair and tumbles away from the control panel. He quickly scrambles back to see a giant fist flying towards where he is in. The fist burrows itself into his robot's chest and hits Cao Shuang directly.**

 **Back out, the other robot retracts its fist to reveal a flattened Cao Shuang sticking to the knuckles. Sima Yi pulls another lever to have Cao Shuang be punched into the ground.**

 **"You are now to relinquish all authority all to me." He lifts up the fist to let Cao Shuang plop down onto the ground, bloodied. He cries out,"...Why..?! You understand who you're dealing with here...?!"**

 **"Want a reason? Psych! I'm the most confusing character here! I don't have to explain myself! Now please die."**

 **The robot now has its foot hovering over the already defeated Cao Shuang. He makes one small peep, and the robot stomps onto him with a deafening boom.**

* * *

 **[Shuang= Schlong. They just made it that easy, you know?]**

* * *

 **The scene features just a house and the loud noises of rubber squeaking.**

 **"Are you ready to move on? Away from... this thing...?"**

 **"That thing has seen better days..."**

 **More rubber squeaking. The sound of a liquid being constantly poured onto the floor fills the house.**

 **"Oh my god..."**

 **"Wow... It's still going too."**

 **The noise continues, much to their dismay.**

 **"How much did you use Lady Fu?!"**

 **"I want to know why isn't your vagina ready all the time! If your vagina would be just as flexible as Lady Fu's here, then maybe I wouldn't even NEED her!"**

 **"You would have killed me if you constantly use me like a tube sock!"**

 **"A tube sock would last longer than you!"**

 **"Oh, I'm sorry. I just know my limits as a human!"**

 **"I demand pleasure and the fact you're a zombie should not deter you from spending time with my dick!"**

 **"Wait... If I can't die..."**

 **"Yes! You can spend plenty of time catering to my needs now that you're a zombie!"**

 **"Huh... I guess..."**

 **They notice that the flowing noise was still going and Sima Yi says,,"Yeah, I don't need her anymore. Goodbye, Lady Fu. And... hello to a mop and bucket because all of that is all over the floor."**

 **"Just... Oh my god... All of this... All of this is just so many unborn kids that could have been inside me or other women..."**

 **"Yeah, yeah... Go mop this up. Lady Fu is going to be given a proper burial. At the bottom of the Yellow River."**


	15. Zhong-line Dion

_**Cao Shuang was executed by Sima Yi and he now had the courts in his filthy, dirty hands. This pisses off so many people that they just called in sick and rounded up angry people just like them. Another well-known Wei loyalist just does the most illogical thing and runs away like a little bitch. To the place whose people killed his father. Yeah, he didn't think that through.**_

 **Xiahou Ba is running fast towards the gates until Sima Yi blocks his way.**

 **"Ahhh! I'm too late!"**

 **"Too late for what?"**

 **"Um... An appointment with Alice..."**

 **"Hehehehe... Now, now. Let's not get tense here. Let's try to sort things out with each other, no?" He puts a hand on Xiahou Ba's shoulder, making him incredibly uncomfortable.**

 **"I need an adult..."**

 **"I am an adult." Sima Yi replied in a fairly creepy voice. He grins before grabbing his shoulder and flinging out over the walls. Sima Yi shouts at him,"And don't come back!"**

 **"Um, Dad... Don't we need him...?" asks Sima Zhao as he approached Sima Yi.**

 **"Why? He's useless. You need to clear the trash of this kingdom in order to start anew."**

 **"But... He's..."**

 **"Bah, he's nothing to us now. Now, let's have some fun by putting down another bitch who doesn't like me.'**

 **On a new map, Sima Yi sees a giant robot in the distance that resembled Cao Shuang's from before. He comments,"Hm... Looks like he also stole and fixed up Cao Schlong's old bot. Well, I can just destroy it again, not gonna make a difference. I'll go grab Lurren Gagann and it will be a snap. Now... Who will pilot it with me? Ah, its just some cannon fodder. I'll be fine."**

 **He is in the robot and charges ahead towards the other robot.**

 **"You cannot resist the Sima Inquisition!"**

 **"Yeah, I can!" Inside the robot was a generic with the name Wang Ling hovering his head. He pushes down a lever and charges to meet Sima Yi in battle. Their robots clash and counter blows until Sima Yi slams his palm onto a button that causes his robot to shoot many wires. The wires grab onto Wang Ling's machine and tear it apart.**

 **"Hahahahahahahahhaha! Sucks to be you!"**

 **"I shouldn't be laughing if I were you..."  
**

 **Other mechas that were smaller than the two main robots begin to appear around them.**

 **"I have plenty of support to put you down...!"**

 **"Hahaha! Bring it on!"**

 **Over at the allied main camp, Sima Zhao searches around and doesn't see Sima Yi. He runs over to Sima Shi and asks,"Where did Dad go?"**

 **"Hm? He went out to fight the rebels."**

 **"Shouldn't we go help him?"**

 **"We don't have our own of those robots."**

 **"We could at least try to help!"**

 **"Alright... Grab the others and we'll set out."**

 **They get to where the explosions and clashing are being made and see what seemed like thousands of mechas going against one single giant one. Sima Shi comments about this sight,"Did we just walk onto the set of 'Dynasty Warriors: Gundam'? Because we're not supposed to be there. As much I'd love a game where we get to be in space, that is just unrealistic."**

 **"That's Dad's mech in the middle of all of that!" exclaims Sima Zhao.**

 **"He'll be fine."**

 **"That robot's being torn apart!"**

 **Sima Yi suffers many blows to the main body of his mecha and he weakly reaches up to pull a few levers to cause millions of wires to shoot out to impale all of the enemy mechs around him.**

 **"Take that, cannon fodder. Hahaha-KoffKoff!" He coughs blood onto the dashboard and proceeds to pull and push more controls. The mech charges forward to grab the enemy and lands a punch to its chest. It winds up again to throw another punch. And another. And another. It then leaves a hole that exposes Wang Ling inside. The mech takes its fist and throws at the man. He barely had enough time to scream until he is reduced to a red pool of blood.**

 **"Haaa... Haaa... Heh..." Sima Yi leans forward in his seat and his eyelids close halfway. He grins as blood streaks down his lip and speaks hoarsely,"...Later... Sons..." He droops and closes his eyes.**

 **Sima Zhao looks at how the mech wasn't moving and it finally clicks. He then screams out in agony only to get slapped by Sima Shi.**

 **"Stop it."**

 **"Can't you see I'm mourning here?!"**

 **"That slap was from Dad. Now, come along. We are the men of the family now. More specifically, moi. We have no time for mourning."**

* * *

 _ **Sima Shi succeeded Sima Yi after he kicked the bucket. Of course, he had to make a name for himself and has to get drilled into people's heads that he was there to stay. He starts by sending some people to try to take some s*bleep* from Wu, including his brother. Dear me, what could go wrong?**_

 **"Hahahahaha! Look at you! You're so tiny! Hahaha!" laughs Sima Zhao when he sees Zhuge Dan for the first time. "You're like, the stereotype of Chinese people in one person! Hahaha!"**

 **"Grr! I'm not that short! There are plenty that are shorter than me!"**

 **"Yeah, Yuanji. But she's a girl, so it's normal."**

 **"Ah! What happened to your face?!" exclaims Wang Yuanji when she sees Zhuge Dan. Veins begin popping all over his forehead, but this only gets him more laughs.**

 **"Oh my god! You look like a bicep muscle of Deng Ai now! Kahahaha!"**

 **"Hey, the 1970's didn't come around yet, so put away the hair grease, buddy! Hahaha!"**

 **"Yeah, loser. Haha." laughs Jia Chong in a deadpan voice. "Your hair sucks."**

 **"You people are jerks!"**

 **Sima Zhao and Wang Yuanji march their troops towards a gate while Zhuge Dan and Jia Chong were going in another direction when soldiers in red suddenly appeared in front of both armies. Ding Feng takes this time to introduce himself.**

 ***ghetto voice* "Yo,yo! Ding Feng's in the house! And he's gonna wreck yo boys upppp!"**

 **"...Oh no... Dad got reincarnated into a wannabe gangsta..."**

 **"That's no longer your dad, you have to fight him!"**

 **"You don't have to tell me twice!"**

 **"Dear god, you look worse than me! You look like Deng Ai's left nut!" exclaims Zhuge Dan. Ding Feng takes offense and shouts,"Yo! Show some f*bleep*in' respect! I am the motherf*bleep*ing OG! Calling someone a ballsack is something that's you gonna get shanked! Get this mothaf*bleep*er, boys!"**

 **"Haha, he does look like a ballsack."**

 **"Not if we get to you first!"**

 **Both sides manage to take out a good number of each other, but Sima Zhao gives Ding Feng a kick to the crotch, drawing out a high-pitched shriek.**

 **"Awwwwwwwwwwwwww...!"**

 **"Haha! Take that! Let's go! We have to get the armies out of here!"  
**

 **"Nah nah, motherf*bleep*er! You ain't going no-Gragh!" A knife hits him where Sima Zhao had kicked earlier and Wang Yuanji runs by him with the rest of their army following behind.**

 **A few messages pop up saying that many units have been defeated. Sima Zhao shouts to everyone,"We have to retreat! These guys are too good for us!"**

 **"Wuss. Wuuuuussss!" calls out Jia Chong.**

 **"Shut up! People will die if we continue!"**

 **"They're generics. They have no souls."**

 **"You have no soul!"**

 **"It's all your fault! Your stupid ass killed half of us!" shouts Zhuge Dan.**

 **"What? I might have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque, but I didn't know it would be that big of a difference!"**

 **"You should have taken right!"**

 **"Sorry!"**

 **"Sorry doesn't bring back the dead!"**

 **They reach the escape point after defeating a few more Wu soldiers. Zhuge Dan is fuming about the losses in a secluded area,"Damn it! I could have done something!" Sima Zhao approaches him and puts a hand on his shoulder while holding back a snicker.**

 **"Oh my god, he's so low...! B-But we managed to get out of there alive, right?"**

 **"Who the f*bleep* cares about that?!" He throws off his hand and Sima Zhao is surprised at his sudden strength,"Whoa! Tiny guy packs a punch!"**

 **"I shamed my family with these losses! This was a D+ in military affairs!"**

 **"Oh, right. Your father wouldn't want you to come home with a D It would sha-me your fami-ry."**

 **"You're shaming your family as of now! Such idiocy cannot be from the great Sima Yi himself!"**

 **"I thought all Zhuges hate my dad."**

 **"Don't lump me with the famous Zhuge that died a while ago!"**

 **"Lieutenant Dan, ice cream? Ice cream, Lieutenant Dan. ICE CREAM!" shouts Sima Zhao while waving an ice cream cone in his face. Zhuge Dan angrily yells out before storming off.**

 _ **Sima Zhao failed. He had to be called in and do the job for them. He calls those who had failed to a nice ass pimpin' castle filled with booby traps and the biggest pimpin' air conditioner in all of China. He made sure those Wu bastards got inside and got to see the pimpin' ass giant air conditioner.**_

 **Sima Shi is punching Sima Zhao multiple times while saying,"Why. Did. You. Fail? That was an F - in military affairs! You shame our family with that F! The last time a Sima got an F was during the fall of the Zhou Dynasty!"**

 **"Ow. Ow. Ow. I'm sorry-"**

 **"Sorry's not going to cover that F -." He makes one final punch and tosses Sima Zhao off like a piece of garbage. "I'll show you how to kill bitches the right way. Open all of the gates of this pimpin' castle. They need to see the interior of this place. I made sure they were all paid for by the kingdom's tax money."**

 **The gates open and the battle begins.**

 **"Guo Huai, Zhuge Dan, you're with me."**

 **"Oh my god! I get to see a real Sima in action! I am so honored!" happily exclaims Zhuge Dan.**

 **"Haha, I'm glad to help out in one of my few screen times in this story."**

 **They run towards a room where Wu soldiers were standing inside with giant fans blowing them away. Sima Shi laughs and taunts the soldiers,"Haha! You made it into the room with the giant air conditioner! This room is very useful during the summer and it also doubles as a nice torture room!"**

 **"How are they getting tortured?" asks Guo Huai.**

 **"They want to run over here, but that fan keeps blowing them back down! HAHAHAHAHAHA! They want to run here? No! There's a fan too! Mwahahahaha! Can they run over here? NO! FAN BLOWS THEM BACK DOWN! HAHAHAHAHA!"**

 **"Ha...! Er.. What?"**

 **"Hahahah! So devious! They can't run faster than the speed of cold hard wind!" Zhuge Dan happily goes along.**

 **"Ah, money well spent... Let's go. Let's just kill them."**

 **"Why?"**

 **"Just because. They will figure out how to turn this off and I want my cold air."**

 **After defeating the enemies in that room, they move on to the walkway with cannons on either sides of the way. They are not working and this makes Sima Shi angry.**

 **"Who turned off my cannons?! This is not canon!"**

 **"Haha! I figured out how to turn them off!" exclaims a random Wu generic. Sima Shi rushes over to him and stabs him to death. He goes over to a control panel just set on the wall nearby and quickly pushes some buttons. The cannons work and shoot up the soldiers in the walkways.**

 **"There! Now this is canon!"**

 **"I don't we're supposed to have these."  
**

 **"You're not supposed to have these. You carry a giant cannon yourself!"**

 **"Well... Er... You win."**

 **"Let's go!" They run to another area and when they are greeted by ballistae fire. Sima Shi exclaims,"They're using our pimp-ass turrets against us! They will not be forgiven for such a crime!"**

 **"Ballistae." corrects Guo Huai.**

 **"Let's get our turrets back!"**

 **"Ballistae."**

 **Sima Shi tears through the army of soldiers surrounding a ballista and captures it. He hops into the balista and begins to use it on the armies around the area. He laughs manically while inside it.**

 **"HAHAHAHAHA! You wanted to take our turrets, but I got one back to unleash hell onto you Commies!"**

 **"Wrong century and enemies!"**

 **"Wu-sers!"**

 **"There we go." Sima Shi uses his ballista to destroy the other ballistae currently in the enemy's hands.**

 **"Haha! I got our turrets back! By destroying them, we've removed a formidable weapon from their hands!"**

 **"Those were ours!"**

 **"Hmph, collateral damage. Let's go! My steed!" He whistles and nothing comes over. Only Zhuge Dan and Sima Shi completely throws all logic out the window and knocks him down to use him as his "steed".**

 **"We ride!"**

 **"Yes sir!" Zhuge Dan, completely on board with this, runs on all four limbs just as well as a horse in the game. They ride past Sima Zhao and Sima Shi slaps him in the head and laughs mockingly.**

 **"Haha, dumbass!"**

 **"Aw... Hey, wait a minute! Who's that under you?!"**

 **"Can't hear you over how awesome I am! I am awesome! Not you! Hahahaha!"**

 **He is nearing one of the main gates and Ding Feng appears.**

 **"Yo, yo! I'm back, bitches! Where that n*bleep* at? I'mma gonna-BWAGH!" Sima Shi slices him as Zhuge Dan knocks him down with the same force if you were using an actual horse. The gates open and Sima Shi rides straight for the Wu main camp. The Zhuge Ke generic jumps back in surprise and tries to put on a tough front.**

 **"W-What the hell?! Are you riding one of my kinsmen like a horse?! What the hell?! The Zhuges do not approve of BSDM!"**

 **"Well, this Zhuge is not your Zhuge! You don't decide for him!" Sima Shi gets off of Zhuge Dan and throws him at Zhuge Ke to knock him down. He clings onto the generic and begins to eat away at his health.**

 **"Stop! You will not get closer to our lord!" exclaims Lian Shi and Sima Shi turns to drool at her chest.**

 **"Oh myself! Are those giant meatbuns on your chest or are those actual boobs?! Can I squeeze them?"**

 **"No! Are you a virgin?!"**

 **"Well, my dad didn't get to set me up with a pretty girl before he died, but I got a mouth present. Come on, just one squeeze!"**

 **"Ugh! Forget it! You're on your own, Zhuge Ke!"**

 **Lian Shi retreats and Zhuge Ke is left to scramble around with Zhuge Dan still clinging onto him.**

 **"Hey, hey! I'm just a guy! How about we just deal this out like men and-" Sima Shi punches him in the face and kicks him in the groin. He then swings his sword upwards to send him flying into the air. Zhuge Dan manages to jump off in time to avoid being sent up there. The battle is won and Sima Shi praises Zhuge Dan,"Good job. You didn't get an F -. Your family should be happy."**

 **"What did I get?"**

 **"A B."**

 **"...What did I do wrong...?" Zhuge Dan goes to kneel before the sun in the horizon. "I shamed my family name! I must commit seppaku-I mean just regular ol' suicide."**

 **"Whoa, whoa. Back up. Remember that the grade doesn't make the man. It is the man himself that makes the man. Don't take my grade seriously. Some people are happy with a B and they turn out to be better people than those who have a big fat A+ on them."**

 **"What about you?"**

 **"I'm the exception, of course. Take my words as a common member of our humble ensemble of other common warriors wanting to make Wei a kingdom that people will remember. And putting down the bitches who don't like our leadership."**

 **"I'll keep that in mind, sir."**

 **"Good. Now, if you excuse me, I will go give Zhao a wedgie for his F-! Hahaha! Dumbass!" Sima Shi walks off, leaving Zhuge Dan to undergo his character development.**

 **"The grade doesn't make the man, but the man himself makes the man. I like that. I can't be bound by grades or family name! I have to think about myself as a whole! Once I can do that, I can help my lord with his goal!"**

 **"That's what I was saying. Get with the program, will you?" says Sima Shi off-camera.**

 _ **Wu lost that time thanks to having Sima Shi on the side. Once he gave his brother that atomic wedgie, he went back home and let Sima Zhao take over the military stuff despite his F minus. It turns out, Jiang Wei-yes, he's still around, did you forget him already? Of course not. You love him and his Canadian pretty boy face. He was watching those two Simas veerrrry caaaarefuuuuullly and waited until Guo Huai let himself get caught in his trap. Now Sima Zhao has to try to go save him and make sure he doesn't die. *whispering* He dies.**_

 **Sima Zhao says sadly,"You didn't have to do that... Let a generic do it..." Jia Chong corrects him,"He used to be. But now he's important and that's why we need to save his sick and pale behind now."**

 **"You're one to talk! You were barely made for this game!"**

 **"Oh, you love that I'm here."**

 **"You're a horrible influence! My mom was right about you!"**

 **"Oh, she was wrong about one thing... Hehehehe..."**

 **"You killed her... Did you...?"**

 **"Hm? I have no idea what you're talking about."**

* * *

 **His Flashback**

 **Jia Chong sneaks up on Zhang chunhua while holding a jar of a few strange-looking bugs. He unleashes them onto her and they eat away her to expose the coding that makes her up, which was a bunch of green ones and zeros spilling out of where the bugs were eating her.**

 **"Ahhhhh! Y-You! Ahhhh!"**

 **"I'm sorry, I think there's room for one guiding figure in Zhao's life. Say hello to Sima Yi for me, will you?"**

 **"This has to be one of the most ridiculous deaths you can give someone! Also, there's Yuanji!"**

 **"Screw her! You could barely distinguish her between a cardboard cutout! Come on, die already!" Jia Chong hits her with the jar and eventually manages to use the glass to finish her off. The bugs finish the job by completely wiping the body away.**

* * *

 **"I'm sorry, she just died of natural causes, you know? She's old, right? Old women die like that if they didn't die while giving childbirth already."**

 **"Not really. She was twenty-nine." Jia Chong was actually surprised and yells out in a hilariously high-pitched voice,"Whaaaaaat? I... How old are you?!"**

 **"Uh... I forget."**

 **"Forget this! Let's just go try to save Guo Huai!"**

 **"Yay! You're finally thinking about someone else's well-being other than mine's!"**

 **"Hey! Let me have some screentime!" exclaims Zhong Hui. "I'm in this stage! Come on! Camera boy, focus on me from now on!" The camera moves away from him and to Deng Ai.**

 **"Screw you guys!" Zhong Hui flips the middle finger while storming past Deng Ai. Deng Ai obliviously comments,** **"Ooh, a bird just flew by. I wonder what species it was."**

 **Sima Zhao runs to the target point of the map and is ambushed by Ma Dai and Yue Ying.**

 **"Hey there! Name is Ma Dai."**

 **"My dick?"**

 **"No, Ma Dai."**

 **"Pad Thai? Mm... Pad Thai... Okay, off you go." He creates a giant energy ball and kick into Ma Dai, sending him flying. Yue Ying thanks him and says,"That guy was bothering me ever since we set out for here. I hated that guy. Now I'm going to take your soul!"**

 **"How? I don't see your weapon anywhere."**

 **"Let's go!" She grabs a generic by the hand and it turns into a poor-tier scythe. "Better than nothing! Ha!" They clash blades when a pop up message appears.**

 **"Hey, I think I've heard your voice somewhere before..."**

 **"Yeah, I was the one who kicked your ass back at Jieting."**

 **"No... Just somewhere else... Oh my god, are you Laura Bailey?"  
**

 **"I don't know who the hell is that!"**

 **Guo Huai: Koff! Koff! the gates... they're open...! Arrrgh! I can't even run away from such a mundane attack!**

 _Guo Huai is wounded!_

 **"I failed... If only I had put more work into my duties... I can just hear my brother now..."**

 _ ***Sima Shi's voice* Hahahaha! F - again! Duuumbasss! Did you just give yourself another atomic wedgie when you get home?**_

 **"Hahahaha! F - again! Duuumbasss! Did you just give yourself another atomic wedgie when you get home?" shouts Jia Chong as he runs by Sima Zhao.**

 **"You're just as blamable as me!"**

 **"I'm immune to atomic wedgies as during my high school years, I never wore underwear! Hahaha! I still don't! Hahahaha!"**

 **"Are you coming on to me?"**

 **"You wish!"**

 **"Pay attention!" shouts Yue Ying as she tries to hit Sima Zhao with her scythe. Sima Zhao yells out angrily,"Get out of the WAY!" He kicks her in the chest and sends her flying with him shooting a flame bursting out with his finger.**

 **Guo Huai: Koff! Koff! ...Is no one... Going to hop over this wall and save my dying ass...?**

 **"I'm coming! Don't worry, I'm getting there! Hang in there!" shouts Sima Zhao as he is currently attacking officers. He goes on to defeat more officers.**

 **Guo Huai: ...Huuugh... I don't know... How much long I can...**

 **"Don't worry! I'm getting there! Just hang on!" Sima Zhao is sliding on an officer and crashes into another group of enemies to begin fighting them.**

 ** Guo Huai: Isn't... nobody... coming...?**

 **"I'm trying as hard as I can to get there!" He is fighting Xing Cai and is breaking those ox wheelbarrows.**

 **"Those were our life source you just destroyed! You'll pay!"**

 **"Move, move, move!" Sima Zhao knocks her down and uses her to surf his way along the path. More officers pop out of nowhere, overwhelming Sima Zhao. Suddenly Zhuge Dan appears on the screen with reinforcements.**

 **Zhuge Dan: I realized something. You and I are one of the same. We're B people while stuck living the shadows of A+ people. It changes today! We B people are the ones that make it happen and I will go help out a fellow B person like myself in this battle!**

 **"Aw, that's so sweet of you-"**

 **Zhuge Dan: I wasn't talking to you, F-. I was talking to Zhong Hui.**

 **Zhong Hui: I'm not a B person! I'm an A+! The chosen one doesn't get B's!**

 **Zhuge Dan: That kind of denial is why our kingdom is in shambles! You must accept your grade in life and work with it!**

 **"...I'm not even a B person...?"**

 **Guo Huai: Oh hello, friend. At least SOMEONE came to save me-GRAAGH!**

 _ **Guo Huai is more wounded!**_

 **"No! Grrrraggh!" Sima Zhao uses a foot to push himself along the ground with Xing Cai still under him as a human board. He finally lets her slide into a group of officers surrounding Jia Chong. He scoffs,"Show-off. I was doing just fine here-" Sima Zhao knocks him down as he runs towards the garrison Guo Huai was in.**

 **Guo Huai:... Isn't no one... Going to help me...?**

 **"I GET IT! GRRAAGH!" Sima Zhao gets to the sealed doors and he angrily cuts at it, but to no prevail. He takes a deep breath while looking very frustrated at the door. A few generics come out to attack him, but Sima Zhao blasts them away with his finger fire gun musou. His feet have a glowing blue hue to them now and he shouts,"KAMEHAMEHA!" He performs a drop kick and his feet shoot a giant energy beam to completely destroy the gates, it also takes the enemy beating on Guo Huai along with it. Sima Zhao runs to Guo Huao shouting,"You have a huge-ass gun! Why didn't you pop that guy's ass with it?!"**

 **"...Koff...! Koff...! The... plot...! Huuugh..."**

 **"Okay, okay! I'm sorry! Don't die on me please! You can't! You're needed to balance out the Cast of Pretty Boys thing we have going on here!"**

 **"I've got you now, Son of Sima!" shouts Yue Ying as she comes from above to strike the ground where Sima Zhao had jumped out of the way.**

 **"Stop following me! I don't even like older women!"**

 **"What? No! I'm here to ensure Sima Yi's bloodline ends here! I can't believe he was allowed to breed!"**

 **"You hate my dad, huh?"**

 **"He killed my husband, but I sort of owe him for liberating me from him at the same time."**

 **"Then you will let me go, right?"  
**

 **"Sorry, no can do!" She dashes towards Sima Zhao and he quickly grabs Guo Huai to use him as a human shield. The scythe hits him, wounding him even more.**

 **"Arrrgh!"**

 **"No! Crap! I meant to grab Jia Chong!"**

 **Jia Chong snaps his head at him,"What?" Guo Huai coughs loudly and then raises his cannon at Yue Ying with shaking hands. He pulls the trigger and the blast sends her flying out of there and Guo Huai is left to collapse to the ground.**

 **"Go on... Huuu... Get the Canadian..." A few generics help him up and take him away. Jia Chong beckons Sima Zhao,"Come on! I want to kill a Canadian! I wonder if they bleed maple syrup...! Mmh, that will go nicely with my waffles and human."**

 **"What?"**

 **"Waffles and chicken."**

 **As they race up the hill towards the castle with Jiang Wei in it, another group of enemies flooded the area. They were the Qiang that Jiang Wei had enlisted to help out with the fight. The foreign warriors began to shout in their languages towards the incoming enemies.**

 **"Aka ku gya kyet yut olk!" (Aha! Got you people!)**

 **"Tyuiop reyt cet gihy die!" (Prepare to die!)**

 **"Drey hyu iuop lik git wer!" (We're gonna tear you all apart!)**

 **"Looks like Jiang Wei is outsourcing to other tribes now. Let's just plow through!" Sima Zhao defeats all of the Qiang members and breaks through the ranks to get to where Jiang Wei was positioned.**

 **"Time's up, buddy! Now you will pay for trying to kill our sick guy!"**

 **Jiang Wei yells back,"Your sins your father had committed against our kingdom will not be forgotten! We will not rest until all of you are extinguished!"**

 **"I want me some Canadian blood syrup!" Jia Chong dashes by Sima Zhao and attacks Jiang Wei. Jiang Wei flails around as Jia Chong is clinging onto him trying to slice him up.**

 **"Damn our inability to experience wounds and blood! He is just losing health!"**

 **"Yeah! Keep doing that! Eat away at his health!"**

 **"Ahhhh! Please! Stop! Ahh!"**

 **"Okay! Who are we killing today? I hope that human Oreo didn't take up all the fun!" shouts Zhong Hui as he runs into the castle and is next to Sima Zhao.**

 **"Well, you can help out. Jia Chong's just draining the health away from him. Throw some of your magic swords at him."**

 **"Okay! I can kill two people today!" Zhong Hui has his swords fly towards Jia Chong and Jiang Wei. Jia Chong hops off of him to let those swords fly into Jiang Wei. Jiang Wei is taken back and when those swords withdraw out of him to return to Zhong Hui. He drops to his knees and looks up to get a good look at Zhong Hui.**

 ***Careless Whisper playing***

 **He continues to stare at Zhong Hui, who is obviously not into it himself.**

 **"...The hell is this guy's problem?" questions Zhong Hui.**

 **"You're absolutely the most prettiest lady I've ever seen! Accept this gift basket!" Zhong Hui spits at him and angrily yells,"I'm not a girl** **! I'm a dude!"**

 **"No way! Look at that slender build and luscious hair! Are you Celine Dion?! I'm a big fan!"**

 **"...Someone please kill his Canadian ass..." Jia Chong throws his axe at Jiang Wei and he jumps back. He begins to run off yelling,"I will be back, Celine Dion!"**

 **"..."**

 **Sima Zhao happily says,"Yay, we've finally got rid of him! He'll be back, but at least we now put some damage to their morale! Yeah!" Guo Huai limps up to him groaning,"Good job, sir... Huuu..."**

 **"Hey! You okay?! I told you not to die yet! I can't let you die!"**

 **"I'm sorry, sir..." He collapses to the ground and Sima Zhao catches his body. "I'm afraid that request can't be granted for you... Haaa... Look... You can't save everyone, so that's why you have to be willing to use everyone at your disposal because when the times comes... They might or not be there for you to use..."**

 **"So you're not mad about me using you as a-"**

 **"I'm going to tell your father that so that he messes with your food when you get home. But... I did really want to die, so... I thank you..." He closes his eyes and Sima Zhao lets out a yell, but Jia Chong throws a ball-ed up mass of chicken and waffle into his mouth to shut him up.**

 **"Now, now. Let's move to the next stage."**

 **"Mmh, not bad. Missing some syrup though..."**

 **"Stupid Canadian didn't bleed my blood syrup! Have your plain chicken and waffle now, you son of a bitch!"**

* * *

 **Jiang Wei is still lovestruck and Yue Ying taps him in the head.**

 **"Hello? Anyone in there?"**

 **"Celine Dion..."**

 **"I'm not Celine Dion."**

 **"I know that. You're Laura Bailey. Another cool thing, but Celine Dion..."  
**

 **"That wasn't Celine Dion, that was an ambiguously homosexual dude."**

 **"Same thing... Hah..."**

 **"... Anyway, again, I still have no idea why are you people calling me Laura Bailey. Who is that?! "**


	16. And So It Begins

**_Well, Jiang Wei got his Canadian ass handed to him by the likes of Sima Zhao's forces. Sima Shi didn't like the current emperor, so he put a new one in his place. Meanwhile, there were more bitches that needed to be put down since they like the previous emperor better. Sima Shi was on the case, no doubt. He wasn't gonna let two random old men try to tell him how his pretty ass is to run the country. He grabs whomever was on speed dial and that was Deng Ai and Jia Chong. No, his brother is not even on the speed dial, don't bother asking._**

 **Sima Shi tells Deng Ai and Jia Chong,"Okay, there are some bitches who don't like us, so we will give them the ol' Sima family tradition on how we deal with bitches! By killing them!"**

 **"Yeah! Why aren't I working under you?! You're me with skin color!" happily exclaims Jia Chong.**

 **"Because you are not worthy to be working under me. That's why you have Zhao as your master."**

 **"No fair! I call shenanigans!"**

 **" Deng Ai, let's go. Leave this guy with my brother."**

 **"Whaaa...? Fine..."**

 **"Ooh, I hope to see some new birds as we set out." says Deng Ai.**

 **"Oh, we'll be seeing some birds. These fine birds are of the genus Head-us Decapit-us and they will fly real high once we put down those rebels."**

 **"How exotic."**

 **"Exotic indeed."**

 **Sima Shi gets to the checkpoint with Deng Ai and Wen Yang announces,"I am Wen Yang, son of Wen Qin! This battlefield is mine!" Sima Shi scoffs and laughs while turning to Deng Ai,"Can you believe this guy? This guy. He has jokes. Well, let's deal with this joker."**

 **"I don't think we should-"**

 **"So what? He's just some pretty boy that may or may not be important to the story. Another thing I call my brother. Hahaha!"**

 **"I'm over here! I am now going to try to take this base that is very important to the plot advancement!" announces Wen Yang while in the main camp.**

 **Sima Shi angrily yells out,"THAT BASTARD THINKS HE HAS SUPERPOWERS?! Come on! We have to make sure he doesn't take all of our bases!"**

 **"It's a long way back..."**

 **"I know, I'm going to kill him just for making us go through that inconvenience!"**

 **They ride back down of the map to get the main camp and when Sima Shi enters the camp, he sees Wen Yang fighting soldiers and he pauses to observe him. Sima Zhao and Jia Chong catch up to him from behind.**

 **"Brother-"**

 **"Shh. Listen."**

 **"I am Wen Yang, son of Wen Qin!"**

 **"See that? This is a guy who didn't pull his head out of his own shiny metal ass. I don't go around saying: "I am Sima Shi, son of Sima Yi!" I could, but I have some humility."**

 **"Look who's talking about humility..." mutters Sima Zhao.  
**

 **"What'd you say, dumbass?"**

 **"Nothing!"**

 **"Just look at those toned metal thighs, toned metal arms, and toned metal ass. He's me if I were a robot!"**

 **"...That's not the conclusion I thought you-"**

 **"Shut up, fleshy human!"**

 **Wen Yang runs off and Sima Zhao is about to give chase, but Sima Shi stops him.**

 **"Bitch, do you not understand how to appreciate art? Let him be. We'll go after him later."**

 **"Now what?"**

 **"We deal with the castles. We must take all of the castles. And the bases as well."**

 **"Okay, brother..."**

 **Sima Shi goes over to the east castle while Sima Zhao goes to the west castle. The two are busy trying to capture the castles when Wen Yang appears on the map again announcing,"I am back! Now to conquer this battlefield!"**

 **"Ah, I got this." Sima Shi races towards the red dot on the map and faces Wen Yang. He defeats him and he retreats for a split second beefore appearing at the right castle.**

 **"I am back to conquer this batttlefield!"**

 **"This bitch doesn't know how to quit!"**

 **Sima Zhao yells out,"Brother! I'm supposed to at that castle-"**

 **"Shut up, dumbass! I'm going to stop the robots from taking us all!"**

 **"Ding Feng is at the east castle! We have to capture that!"**

 **"You do that or Deng Ai does that! But I am going to kick that metal ass back to Skynet!" Sima Shi runs into the western castle and meets with Wen Yang again with the Wen Qin generic.**

 **"Son, what is this?! I thought you said you weren't seeing that boy again!" exclaims Wen Qin to Wen Yang.**

 **"Eh? What are you talking about? This is the enemy!"**

 **"Huh... Ah, you pretty boys all look the same. Kill him."**

 **"Yes, Daddy!"**

 **Wen Yang charges to Sima Shi and he unleashes his Rage Musou onto him. He defeats him along with his father.**

 **"Ahhhh! Foiled again!"**

 **"You disappoint me, son! Tonight, your dinner goes to your brother! At least he can do what's told to!"  
**

 **"But, Daaaaaad!"**

 **Sima Shi grins and commands his troops,"Alright! All we have left is Guanqui Jian and this battle is ours! Let's go!"**

 **He marches towards the top part of the map where the target indicator is on the Guanqui Jian red dot. He is ambushed by three officers and he quickly defeats them.**

 **"Get out of the way! I need to kill a bitch!"**

 **He charges into the castle gates and slices up the masses of soldiers to get to Guanqui Jian.**

 **"Well, looks like the bastard has arrived! Come at me, kid!"**

 **Sima Shi walks past him, ignoring his words.**

 **"Eh? Hey! Where are you going?!" Sima Shi walks a few meters behind him and turns around. He brandishes his sword with a maniacal grin and he charges forward with it straight out. Once the tip of the sword makes contact with the generic's behind, the camera pans away to the outside of the castle and loud screaming can be heard echoing through the whole field.**

 **"Aw man! I was too late to see the execution!" exclaims Jia Chong. "Damn, I bet it was so cool!"**

 **Sima Zhao groans and mutters,"He never goes with the talking route..."**

 **"It's his sword that does the talking!"**

 **The two are inside the castle and see Sima Shi wiping off blood off his sword.**

 **"Oh, it's you two imbeciles. Emphasis on the 'imbecile' for Zhao."**

 **"What happened...?" Sima Zhao is looking at the corpse, which had blood pouring uncontrollably from the behind and mouth.**

 **"A bitch needs die like a bitch."**

 **"...Um... He doesn't die here, though..."**

 **"You're going to die here if you don't shut up."**

* * *

 _ **Mmhm, he put down the bitches. One got what was coming to him, but the other bitch managed to run away. Like a bitch. Sima Zhao learned something that day. He is surrounded by psychos and he can't do a thing about it. The best he could do is live with them and try not to turn out like them. He was also starting to accept how much better his brother was than him and that he could never be like him. He gives up on the whole family business of conquering China and just goes home with his head hanging down on his shoulders. But... something was going on that eventually made him important again.**_

 **Sima Shi is riding his horse in the city with two generic guards.**

 **"Really? This is it? This here was what was available in the bodyguard department? Oh dear, I hope no assassination plots try to happen today!"**

 **A hooded figure is falling from above Sima Shi and has blades extending from his wrists. He takes out his sword and sticks it upwards to have the hooded figure is impaled onto it.**

 **"I hope not another assassination plot happens today!"**

 **An arrow is shot towards him and the guard whacks it away.**

 **"Good job, Gery! You get a raise!"**

 **"The tyranny of the Sima ends today!" shouts the generic that shot the arrow. Sima Shi looks behind him and sees three generics riding towards him.**

 **"Seriously, do we both not have the budget to put more people on either side? Oh well, you people will be a piece of cake. This will be over soon." He races away, letting those three assassins chase after him.**

 **Meanwhile, Sima Zhao, Wang Yuanji, Jia Chong, and Zhuge Dan are riding into a garrison when they have their set of assassins after them. The assassins are dealt with and everyone is safe inside. Sima Zhao looks sadly at the gates,"He's still out there..."**

 **Jia Chong says out loud,"See what happens when you leave bitches alive? They bite the hand that spared their lives. Ungrateful bastards make up out population, understand that."**

 **"But... But..."**

 **"Kindness can't change the world."**

 **"You stole that from someone."**

 **"No, I didn't." Jia Chong turns around to play DW8 on a PS Vita. Wang Yuanji walks up to Sima Zhao and attempts to put a hand on his shoulder, but remember her size.**

 **"Nrrgh... Nrrrghhh...! Um..." She settles for only his arm. "I don't want to alarm you... but..."**

 **"He's already dead?!"**

 **"Er... No... It's just... If he dies..."**

 **"I become the main character! Why not just let him die? He has already treated me like crap! Who cares about him now?"**

 **"No, no! That's not what you're supposed to be thinking of! Look, we need to save him!"**

 **"Why? So that you have some piece of man-meat to look at when I go away? I see you looking at him!"**

 **"Well, I like his face. Nothing else. He has a toxic personality like his dad, and I hate that. Look, you and Sima Shi are brothers. Deep down, I'm sure he loves you under all of those remarks and insults he throws at you. Brothers have to look out for each other. It's in our culture. That's literally one of the most important relationships a man must have to be a proper Confucian. A MALE Confucian anyway..."**

 **"... I guess so... Alright... Let's get out there and find him! Open the gates!"**

 **The gates open and Sima Zhao races out of there on a horse towards the city area to look for Sima Shi along with Wang Yuanji.**

 **"Have you seen my brother anywhere?" asks Sima Zhao to a random city person he just saved from enemy soldiers.**

 **"No."**

 **"Seen him?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Hey, you. Have you seen-"**

 **"No."**

 **"Gragh...! I don't know who these people are, but I will find them and I will kill them once we find Shi."**

 **"Calm down, my lord. I'm sure your brother is holding out for us."**

 **"How can I calm down?! This could mean a big history change if we let him die or live! Do you understand the seriousness of our situation?!"**

 **"Yes, I do! If he dies, we get historical route. If he lives, we get hypothetical route. Of course I know our situation!"**

 **"Then help me look for him, for the love of god!"**

 **"I am! He is just not f*bleep*ing here!"**

 **"Damn you, Shi! Why were you so good at hide and seek?!"**

 **Wen Yang: Hm... This doesn't feel right... Could it be that my dad's wrong about this...? I mean.. The Simas are not exactly bad, they just are assholes...**

Wen Yang is temporarily withdrawing!

 **"Come on! Come on! You! I saved you! Tell me if you saw a five foot eleven man with black hair and a tiny hat around!"**

 **A peasant points and says,"I saw Lord Sima Shi running over there into the garden! He didn't look very well-"**

 **"Of course he didn't look well! He probably got twenty arrows stuck in his asshole right now along with the stick already in his ass since he was born!" Sima Zhao quickly gets on his horse to then ride it into the garden. He beats up the enemies inside while shouting Sima Shi's name.**

 **Wen Yang: Hmph, I'm just getting my shiny metal ass handed to me... Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing here...**

Wen Yang has surrendered to Wei Forces!

 **Wen Yang: I will help you people into whipping my dad into shape! He needs to understand how wrong he was into trying to kill you guys!**

 **"He's not in here! Where the f*bleep* is he?!"**

 **"Please, my lord... He isn't here..." says Wang Yuanji in a calming voice.**

 **"That bastard! He just moves around! Why can't he stay in one place?!"**

 **"Come on, Zhao. We have to put down the rebels. Do not break down on me yet."**

 **"Thank you... I'm sorry if seem like a jackass..."**

 **"No time for that. Let's go."**

 **"Fine... Huff... Shi... If you die, this is all your fault..."**

 **The two run out of the garden and the camera pans over to the garden bridge along the river it was built over. A clawed hand reaches out to grab the bridge and Sima Shi pulls himself out of the water coughing.**

 **"Koff... Koff... They're all gone... Koff... Koff... Arrgh, my eye... I think something crawled in there to die... Wait, was that Zhao? Crap! I need to run after him!"**

 **Wen Qin: You Simas are nothing but trouble! Prepare to die! Bastards just want the Emperor's power!**

 **"You shut up!" Sima Zhao angrily slices at him over and over and eventually kicks him against the wall to then stab his sword into his chest. The generic's body fell to the ground with a audible thump. Wen Yang walks over and whimpers,"Dad..." Sima Zhao punches him in the face angrily,"F*bleep* your dad! Your dad's a dick! He reminds me of my dad, but less manly-looking!"**

 **"Ow...!"**

 **"You know what?! It's also your f*bleep*ing fault! F*bleep*ing metal thing comes in thinking he's forgiven of attempted assassinations..."**

 **"Okay... I'll just go... Come on, Dad..." Wen Yang walks off with his father's body which automatically comes back alive to scold Wen Yang,"You little bastard! You were actually gonna go over to the Simas! Well, someone's not getting dinner tonight!"**

 **"Sorry, Dad... I'll be good next rebellion..."**

 **"You better!"**

 **Sima Zhao is fuming and kicking dirt as he pulls on his hair.**

 **"Stupid metal ass thing... Stupid assassins... Stupid hoarse voiced generic... Stupid Shi for hiding like a champ!"**

 **"Zhao... Please calm down..."  
**

 **"Shi's dead and now I'm just hearing his ghost voice!"**

 **"Zhao..."**

 **"Bastard used his hide and seek skills on me and it got him killed in the process!"**

 **"ZHAO! Ugggh...!"**

 **"WHAT?!"**

 **Sima Zhao angrily turns to behind him and immediately softens his face to see Sima Shi wobbling towards him with a hand over his eye.**

 **"...Huu... You make such a ruckus looking for me... Now I shall have to clean up your messes once after we reform Wei... Ugggh...!" Sima Shi falls to the ground and Sima Zhao catches him.**

 **"Brother!"**

 **"...Aghh... Being in that water really wasn't good for me... Oh my god... Did the pool boy NEVER clean the pond up...? Zhao, fire him after this is over..."**

 **"Brother..." Sima Zhao scowls at him and ends up shaking Sima Shi angrily,"YOU WERE IN THE POND THIS ENTIRE TIME?!"**

 **"Uuughhrguugh..."**

 **Wang Yuanji shouts to him,"Zhao, stop it! He's going to...!"**

 **"Urrgh... I'm fine... Oh god, that water stunk... I think my eye got something in it... Please tell me if it's bad..." Sima Shi removes his hand and the camera is only showing the back of his head and Sima Zhao's disgusted face.**

 **"...Oh no... You just... Ew..."**

 **"It's bad... Well, by second century medical standards, I will not make it... Zhao... I want you to know..."**

 **"Yeah?"**

 **"It's all on you now... It's now or never..."**

 **"Please! You can make it! We can cheat and get the hypothetical branch!"**

 **"No... It's over... It's over for me... Your time now, my dear brother... The main character title goes to you now..."**

 **"Shi! No! Don't go! I'm not ready!"**

 **"I wasn't ready either when Dad died... Now you know how I felt. Before I go... I just want to utter these words for the first and final time... I've always loved you. And here come the incest fanfictions... Bleh." Sima Shi drops dead in his brother's arms.**

 **"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The incest fanfictions! You bastard! You left me with those!"**

 _ **So that's that. Sima Shi passed away while attempting to put down the rebels. His brother, Sima Zhao was the final one left and the the generation long quest of capturing power for the Simas now rests on his shoulders.**_

 **Sima Zhao sits in a field that oversaw the sea/ocean/river/body of water flashbacking to his father.**

 _Shi, Zhao, you know what this country needs? More stripper poles in every home._

No... Not the right conversation...

 _Shi, Zhao, do you understand why we're assholes? Don't answer that. I will tell you. If we're not the assholes, then who will? In a perfect world, there are goody-two-shoes for every asshole that exists. Being an asshole is not just a life choice, it's a living. And it's not just a living, it's a way of life._

Not this one either... Still somewhat inspiring.

 _Alright, you two louts. Listen up. We're very f*EFF!*ing smart men. And smart men need to rule the world. Imbeciles must be exterminated like termites. Smart men will do the exterminating of the imbecile termites. We are the smart men that will exterminate all of the termites in the world and that is why we are what we are now. We must use our god-given talents for the sake of our kind._

Alright... Close enough... It's good enough...

 **Jia Chong is now who he is flashbacking to.**

 _Okay, you need to get off your lazy ass and do s*bleep*. I can't carry the whole team forever, you know. I can die. I hate it, but death is a bitch. Just like my ex-wife. No, wait... That's my new wife... My ex-wife was nice and not a bitch. Damn, I gave that up..._

 **Now Sima Shi.**

 _It's over for me... The main character title goes to you now... And here come the incest fanfictions... Bleh._

 **"Huff... I have to do s*Bleep* now... Argh..." He lays on his back and Wang Yuanji walks up to him.**

 **"Hey, sweetie... Want to have sex right here, right now before I have to become an actual adult?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Can I at least get the thing where you do things with your mouth...?"**

 **"No."**

 **"Aw... But when I become an adult, I won't have time to spend it with you..."**

 **"Jeez, you think I'm going to die soon?"**

 **"Maybe...? We all drop like flies anyway."**

 **"Huff... Sure. Fine. Let's go."**

 _ **Sima Zhao was now the big boss now after Sima Shi died. But Sima Shi did a VERY good job in making people think he was there to stay and this threw things into chaos because people don't like change. People ran way to Shu, people decided to talk to the very people they just kicked the crap out of a stage ago... But Sima Zhao was stuck being a bitch to the Wei emperor, Cao Mao. Sometime later, something was going with Zhuge Dan. He seemed not like himself. Sima Zhao Wang Yuanji, Jia Chong, and Zhong Hui decided to go check up on him.**_

 **Zhuge Dan is dressed in red clothing with the Wen Qin generic while being on top of a castle wall.**

 **"So, why did you come here?"**

 **"I'm always the B+ person over there... After Sima Shi died, I lost all hope for myself... For a B+ man like me to be inferior to an F- man... Unforgivable..."**

 **"Ha, you stopped wagging your tail for Sima Zhao?"**

 **"Grr...!"**

 **"Whoopse, I angered the doggie! Want a biscuit? Who wants a biscuit?"**

 **"Stop it!"**

 **"Aw, just messin' with ya. See you when we're stabbing Sima Zhao's head on a pike!"**

 **Zhuge Dan gets a messenger and he gives him a scroll. He reads it and looks up to the sky.**

 **"...My fate has been sealed in.. No turning back. I must make sure Sima Zhao dies here."**

 **Over in another area, Jia Chong smirks when he gets a messenger himself and he whispers to himself,"Hehehe... The B+ has finally sat himself with the delinquents... A shame... Oh well, two birds with one sword."**

 **"One stone." says the messenger. Jia Chong throws an axe at him.**

 **"And they say don't shoot the messenger, but you don't see me following that. Okay, Zhao, let's go have some dog meat."**

 **"Jesus, we're not that kind of people!" exclaims Sima Zhao.**

 **"I am. Would love me some dog meat... Right after some human meat..."**

 **"What?"**

 **"What? Let's just go roast the dog."**

 **"Okay, enough with those jokes."**

 **Everyone goes along their way defeating the generics and advancing when they are stopped.**

 **Zhuge Dan: Okay, just take out the bridge. They'll won't get me before the thirty minute mark like this.**

 **Jia Chong teases the speech bar thing with Zhuge Dan's face,"Who wants a biscuit? Want a biscuit? You'd love a biscuit."**

 **Zhuge Dan: Stop it!**

 **"Here's a biscuit!" Jia Chong throws a dog treat right in Zhuge Dan's face in the speech bar.**

 **Zhuge Dan: GRRR!**

 **"Jia Chong, you're making the situation worse!" exclaims Sima Zhao.**

 **"His fault for bringing this upon himself. He deserves all of my dog jokes now."**

 **"Now we have to take the LONG way!"**

 **"So?"**

 **"Ugh, I'm just gonna go."**

 **Skip all of the generic fighting to the climax...**

 **Sun Chen: Why are my bitches just bailing out on me?! I need to put these bitches into place!**

 **This dude that defects: Ahh! He just killed that guy! I don't want to be that guy! Let me join you! F*bleep* him!**

 **Another dude: Yeah! Take me with you!**

 **Dude #3: F*bleep* him!**

 **"Wow, this is becoming easier now." comments Sima Zhao.**

 **"I suppose you love that." says Wang Yuanji.**

 **"Hell yeah. Why can't life be this easy?"**

 **"It's not. If it were, then your brother would be still alive and not dead from water organisms eating out his left eye."**

 **"Don't remind me... uggh..."**

 **Wen Qin: Hey, doggie! Want a biscuit? Want a biscuit? Who wants a biscuit? You do! You'd want a biscuit! Have a biscuit!**

 ***A dog biscuit hits his face* Zhuge Dan: ARRRRGH! I'VE HAD IT!**

OMG, Zhuge Dan has executed Wen Qin!

 **Wen Yang: DAAAAD! Dad... Well, there's no point in me staying here...**

 **Wen Hu: Yeah, let's bail.**

Wen Yang and Wen Hu have defected to Wei Forces!

 **Sima Zhao declares,"Alright, let's finish this-What the...?" As Sima Zhao makes for the castle he leans over to see three generics with '?' over their heads.**

 **"...Who are these? Meh." He shrugs and proceeds into the castle. The gates open for Zhuge Dan to shout,"It's now or never! One of us will walk out of here alive!"  
**

 **"Zhuge Dan! Why are you doing this?!"**

 **"I'm tired of being subjected to being your lapdog!"**

 **"You were one to Shi..."**

 **"He deserved me being a lapdog! You don't! F people get nothing! Time to die!"**

 **"...Argh... Why won't you listen to me...?" He whacks Zhuge Dan once and defeats him.**

 **Zhuge Dan stumbles back to collapse to his knees. He spreads out his arms and shouts,"Come on! Kill me! Or are you too much of a pussy to try?!"**

 **"...I..." Sima Zhao lowers his sword and goes over to him. "Look, it's not too late. Maybe we could-"**

 **Jia Chong interrupts by waving a dog biscuit in Zhuge Dan's face,"Want a biscuit? Who wants a biscuit? Who wants a biscuit? You'd want a biscuit! Here's a biscuit!"**

 **Instead of a dog treat, he flings his axe at Zhuge Dan, killing him.**

 **"Grragh...! Screw... Screw you...! Uggh..."**

 **"You!"**

 **"Uh, uh, uh! No one likes a tattletale! He was being a tattletale!"**

 **"Jia Chong..."**

 **"Aw, don't make that face at me... It makes me want to murder a puppy. You don't want me to murder puppies, don't you?"**

 **"No..."**

 **"Good! Let's get out of this dump and see what our dear Emperor wants of us now."**

 **"... Huff... Fine..."**

* * *

 **Wen Yang is sitting on small bench with his head in his hands looking gloomy when Sima Zhao approaches him. He extends a hand,"I'm sorry about your dad... And I'm sorry for back when-"**

 **"Don't worry about it. I'm used to getting yelled at..."**

 **"Want to talk about it?"**

 **He sniffles. "...Now that my dad's gone... It's just so quiet... I'm scared."**

 **"You're how old?"**

 **"Twenty."**

 **"...Jesus, how old am I then...? F*bleep*! I'm old! I'm at a dad age! Uggh! Ahhh!"**

 **"Can I have a hug?" says Wen Yang as he looked as he was going to tear up.**

 **"...Okay, why not?"**

 **"Da-I mean-Master!"**

 **"Were you about to call me 'dad'?!"**

 **"No...! Da! Da as in 'big'!"**

 **"That makes no sense, but okay."**


End file.
